“I grew up in a bakery town. Some grow up in factory towns, but not me. Bakery town all the way. I guess you could say I have flour in my blood. When I am kneading bread, it’s like a bit of heaven in my hands. I grew up on the floor of the bakery that my great grandfather founded a long time ago.”
“I would take whatever pieces of dough that fell to the floor and try to make little statues, and then bake them on top of the ovens. Not for consumption since they were on the floor originally. One of them even made the news for a few days when it was displayed in the window. It looked like a baked Pieta. It was on the news and people descended onto the sidewalk to pray in front of what essentially was a holy pretzel.”
“That happened frequently at the time, all over the place. Images of Christ or the Virgin Mary were turning up everywhere. It was reported that a few miles away from the bakery that on a urinal cake, an image of the Virgin Mary appeared in a bowling alley men’s room.”
“It was sacrilegious to some but these deity’s just pop up wherever they want to. Underneath highway overpasses, where despite the smell of piss, the Virgin appeared in condensation. At some public housing where Jesus on the cross had quite the roving eye.”
“As I got older I tried to create a sideline in my family’s bakery business and start creating and baking religious icons and events for sale and consumption. We initially started off on the wrong foot when I was served an injunction by Pepperidge Farms for our Loaves and Fishes line. It seemed our fish looked a little too much like Pepperidge’s Goldfish. ”
“That almost finished us, but I brainstormed and came up with Jesus curing a leper with grains of salt strategically placed on the leper’s body. It was a hit. I decided to expand on the theme and had a series of collectable edibles. One surprise hit was from the Historical Events line. Lincoln’s Assassination by Booth was gigantic. ”
“Things were going too well though. Pride comes before a fall, and I was feeling too proud. My downfall was inevitable. Terror by the name of Mr. Salty. Nabisco was following our progress very closely and felt that both Lincoln and Booth as well as a few other characters from history and the bible resembled Mr. Salty.”
“It was true they did. But I had figured that Mr. Salty had retired. It was rumored that he was hiding out in a remote cabin in the woods. I neglected to find out whether or not this was true, or even to see if Mr. Salty was alive. Oh he was alive and well and filled with his salt enencrusted anger.”
“He shut us down. I was perhaps a little too cocky. I had no idea that Mr. Salty was now the CEO of Nabisco. It was said that he was also getting involved with armaments, specifically for the Navy.”
“We surrendered everything. They took all that and more. I was glad the whole thing was over. ”
“I went back and sat on the floor of the family bakery for a few days, not eating, not speaking. Eventually I came to my senses and started baking again. I have decided to elevate baking to an art form. I don’t know what’s next, but it should be controversial. I am currently negotiating to have an exhibition at a well known gallery with my latest, life size edible collectables.”
“So keep an eye out.”
