Daily Archives: January 4, 2006

Watching the Detectives

Bill spent the night in NYC at his parents. His mom and dad seem to be on the mend, which is a very good thing. I had the bed to myself which was great, though I did miss his body and the heat it puts out. He really does emit a lot of heat. Which is great in the winter and a bit too much in the summer. And of course I missed him.

Got up and dragged my ass to work, stopping off for an egg sandwich on the way and Tony asking about Bill. Tony is very much interested in Bill’s career. Perhaps as a sideline he might be a good agent for Bill after working as a short order cook at Smilers. I picked up the Voice, and was only ten minutes late getting to work. I bought a piece of pound cake and a hot chocolate for the homeless guy outside the building. I sometimes give him cigars when I have some that I’m not too fond of.

Got to my desk and did my usual whatever it is that I do. Vinnie, one of the nicest guys needed to speak with me about some vital matter. We went out for a smoke when he told me that he needed access to the tapes from the cameras. That’s another thing I do. I am in charge of security for the idiots I work for. And it’s so secretive, they don’t even know about it.

About 5 people know about it, and none of them are major players in the company. The president of the company certainly doesn’t know. Apparently a laptop vanished over the Christmas holiday weekend. So I booked the conference room and dimmed the lights and pulled out the surveillance tapes.

Vinnie and I sat there and watched 72 hours in about one hour. Very fast. Apparently the lights in the office go off about 11:49PM each night. I had no idea. We checked the sign in books with the building security, and noted that 2 people signed in on Christmas Eve. DW and AW.

Watching the tape we only saw AW come in about 1PM on the 24th and never saw her leave. Even after the lights went out. Very odd. Did she wind up sleeping in the office? It seems likely. Was she doing the she-bop on top of the file cabinets? It seems possible. Did she walk out with a laptop? Perhapsamundo.

Well being the holidays, if someone was to steal something, all you had to do is put wrapping paper on it and the building lobby security wouldn’t know any better.

“What? This? It’s a gift. No I’m not unwrapping it, and no I don’t have a building pass.”

It’s also my job to write out building passes when there is something going out that can’t really be concealed by a briefcase, purse or backpack. I had gotten an old PC from the IT guys, they refurbished it for me. The company had purchased a whole bunch of Dells and this was HP.

Gazi, the head of IT had jerry rigged a packing tape handle so I’d be able to drag it home. But a building pass was needed. Not a problem, since I’m the go to guy in matters such as this, I knew exactly what to do.

I wrote:

Please allow John Ozed to remove a personal HP computer from Knob Head Inc. If you have any questions regarding this matter, please contact John Ozed at 212.555.5555.

And I signed it,
John Ozed.

No eye batting there. We never figured out who might have taken the laptop. Vinnie thinks someone might have put it somewhere. I think it walked.

I think I’d make a great Dick.

Detective, I mean.