An end result I reckon. At work, I had a problem with a fruit stand tablet. I noticed it yesterday and tried to do something about it without having to contact Yancy. But as things go, Yancy was in the mix and it did not make anything easier. In fact, it muddled the process.

I can hear his disdain over the phone. Everything he suggested I did, and he would ask if it worked to which I invariably replied, ‘No sir’. Not that it was a way to show respect, it was merely a perfunctory manner of speaking with one’s supervisor.

I did send him a message about it yesterday around 4:25PM and he replied around 8:25 AM this morning, moments before our staph meeting. Dealing with Yancy is exasperating for the both of us though my exasperation is of little or no consequence, the scully wearing supervisor dictates the rules of play, it’s his house and the house always wins.

So it was to no avail with Yancy. An hour or so later, I am in the loo and when I return to my desk, Marcus is on the phone with Yancy discussing what to do about the fruit stand tablet and Marcus and Yancy seemed to have figured it out and got things working nicely. Of course, it went nicely, I wasn’t involved and unavailable to hear Yancy’s eyes rolling back into his head.

Lunch is a few minutes away. I am not hungry having been eating most of the morning. Mike fell asleep on the couch last night. I slept OK for an hour or two, then woke up thinking it was time for me to wake up. It was not of course, I had about 4 or 5 hours to sleep and getting there did not prove to be too easy.

Bill is driving some Dominican women’s lacrosse team around an island off the coast of America. Depending on how they play, he might be back tomorrow if they do not do so well, or Saturday if they succeed in whatever they were trying to do.

I smoked a little cigar at lunch. I had been eating all morning, a bagel, a donut, some cookies and for some reason I simply was not hungry at lunchtime. I knew what I was doing somehow. My self doubts have reared their heads once more.

Marcus & Yancy fixing the problem that I could not get around set things off on that desolate path of self awareness. I decided at lunch to write down all of the requests that I fill. Not that anyone asked me to, just to satisfy my troubled mind. Within a half hour, I filled 5 requests.

I did not plow through them, I took my time, meticulous almost. And checked and double checked and even triple checked. One instance was someone requesting on behalf of their supervisor. A permanent pass was requested, but a photo was required.

I sent the template stating just that and a while later, the person that requested circumvented what I had told them. All the while my green flag was perched upon the emailed request. The circumvention had a smaller photo attached and feeling it was not my place to question their action, I processed the request.

Then going back to the request I found my green flag replaced by Janis’ blue flag. My mind reeled, questioning if I had actually placed my flag on it initially. I called Janis who spoke in hushed tones, that she was in a meeting and noticed the small photo that was attached and forwarded would be considered too small and more than likely returned to us saying just that.

She did change the flag from green to blue, from mine to hers. And now with Janis and her hushed tones, Marcus and Yancy doing what I could not, I feel that my time is running out. They’re tired of me, whatever it is, no matter, each week something happens and they have had just about enough of my work load.

I mentioned this to Mike who stepped up and reassured me that things would be OK, I would at least get a warning. But I think I have gotten a warning a few times, to pay more attention and be careful fulfilling these requests. I thought I was doing that and perhaps they might be thinking otherwise.

The Dominican womens lacross team lost and so Bill will be heading home tonight.

Back in the office. I admit that I messed up on a couple of things the past few days. In the back of my mind, the evil Jiminy Cricket whispers that I am about to be fired. Signs indicate some things. Marcus was going to have me train on ordering supplies tomorrow when I am at the big fruit stand, but now that is not going to happen. And Jiminy Cricket whispers ‘ why would they train someone who’s about to be let go?’

There is no proof beyond my paranoia. Bill is on the road today, and Mike is coming over to fill the void. One of the main drones from the big fruit stand is in the office. I didn’t know of his visit and merely asked,’ What are you doing here?’ an innocuous and harmless question which could be used against me.

Last night Bill and I watched Harold and Maude. I had seen it before, Bill had not. He enjoyed the macabre humor and did not know that Bud Cort was, and didn’t know that he died last week. It’s still a touching movie, and I was glad to show it to Bill.

At work, Jiminy Cricket is whispering in my ear. I am trying to appease the company that placed me at the fruit stand. I could definitely use a nap. Jimmy Chile helped me out a bit with a response to email my supervisor with. Taking what they sent me, rewording it, and sending it back. Jimmy Chile has a better grip on things than I do.

I am off to pick up my lunch from Wendy’s. Not the healthiest, but it serves a purpose. I had chicken nuggets, medium fries, and a chocolate frosty some of which wound up on my shirt. I know chicken nuggets are not real, but they did the job, and I will probably have a hamburger tomorrow as well as Saturday.

Still wrestling with the staffing agency and their need to read my goals. I can only think of one goal, and that is to wake up, go to work, and come home with no harm to myself or others. But that would not satisfy them. Too honest and too simple, and though it is work-related I don’t think they would see it that way

In 1995, a man and a woman whom I am friends with got married. They were a lovely couple, and they still are. I foolishly asked if they were going to have children, asking because I thought that they would be awesome parents. It was not received that way, and I ruffled the male of the species’ feathers. In hindsigh,t it was none of my business but I meant no offense.

I still think of them as friends, though time has passed and my mouth may have caused bruising in the relationship. Nothing malicious as far as I know, but malice is sometimes in the ear of the beholder. Perhaps it is merely another case of my sometimes default setting of vapidity.

Listening to Lazy Line Painter Jane by Belle and Sebastian, gifted by my greatly missed friend Juan, who is out there enjoying the universe since he was much too good to remain on the wheel of reincarnation.

Listening to songs from his mixtape playlists makes me miss him so much. He was a good friend, and I thought he would live forever. He should have. I wish I paid more attention.

I can’t play any more songs, they’re making me sad.

Jesse Jackson has passed away. I attended one of his rallies. It may have been autumn 1987; I videotaped it, I think. Just don’t ask me where the tape is. I recall it may have been on West 58th Street by the Plaza, but you know how fanciful my memory can be.