johnozed

Ok, I have a swollen face. Well it was really swollen this morning. It’s gone down considerably. Things have improved a lot between Bill and myself. Last night I took a nap from 5:30 to about 10:00. Saw Bill and went to bed an hour later. So it was cool. Still have some ways to go but he’s working on it.

I haven’t had a cigarette in over 24 hours and that is an accomplishment. I do enjoy holding one, but no lighting. Holding one is enough. If I could get off cigarettes I would be impressed. The cigars are an occasional thing though.

I certainly don’t mind being around smokers and in midtown Manhattan, outside of most office buildings there are a lot of smokers mingling. The thing is I always liked smoking. I wanted to do it when I was just a kid. I was surrounded by smokers since most everyone smoked back then. It was alright. In junior and senior year of high school, we could smoke in out designated smoking area.

Smoking saved my butt also. In summer school between junior and senior year having cigarettes helped me win favor from the ‘cool’ kids so much so, that when the regular sessions began in the fall, I wasn’t picked on so much since the cool kids liked me. For my cigarettes of course. Having 2 parents that smoked made sure that I wouldn’t be out of cigarettes. I must have had my first cigarette when I may have been about 10 years old.

Johnny Serpone, a neighbor and I plotted out stealing a pack of cigarettes from his parents and riding down to Industrial Lane on a Saturday afternoon and have our first puffs. I barely had a puff before I was wracked with guilt and fear and rode my bicycle home, gulping in as much air and running to the kitchen faucet when I got home to drink as much water as possible.

At various points in my childhood I was hanging out with juvenile delinquent smokers. At the Boys Club which was supposed to be where boys could get away from bad influences, I went out of my way to find the bad influences. Also outside the VFW where my parents hung out. Found myself outside with some naer do wells sneaking illicit puffs. I was found out though, but I doubt my siblings remember.

Everyone smoked. It was everywhere. You could smoke in the bank, in the supermarket, movie theaters were great places to smoke. Hospitals, doctor’s offices, buses, trains, restaurants. They frowned on places of worship, though one had to wonder where they got the ashes for Ash Wednesday. Having a cigarette was a good way to meet people, and not just oncologists.

You could ask someone for a light, and perhaps strike up a conversation or more. Or when cigarettes were cheaper you could bum a cigarette from someone or they could bum from you. Nowadays, people offer you money for a cigarette, sometimes a quarter, but lately a dollar.

Me, I rolled my own. Sometimes people would ask for a cigarette and I would offer a ready rolled cigarette. More often than not they would refuse, proving that beggars could be choosers. So, it’s been over 24 hours, been holding a cigarette, not lighting it. Feels good just to hold it. I guess it’s like Baretta. All I need is a cockatoo. Or was that a typo?

Well it’s a new day and I feel like shit. Didn’t sleep well and I am anxious about this afternoon’s oral surgery. I feel somewhat doomed. Last night still replays in my mind. I was supposed to go with Bill and his cousin to see Natalie Cole (?) this weekend but I told Bill to forget about it. I really don’t give a damn about Natalie Cole. I’m sure she’s a nice person But I would rather not go. Things are definitely up in the air vis a vis Bill and myself. He’s also supposed to be the godfather to a friend’s baby on Saturday afternoon and since last night I would rather not go to that as well.

Let’s face it, the way I feel now, I doubt I will be doing anything with Bill in the near future. To Bill’s credit I got 2 text messages this morning, the first one went as follows: ‘Babe, I’m so sorry I didn’t let u know I needed more time to finish my work instead of having u waiting around not knowing what was going on. I’m also sorry 4 snapping @ u b4 entering the subway. U shouldn’t have 2 bear the brunt of my frustrations’. And the second text message: I truly love u and only want happiness 4 u. Also (and I hope u embrace this as much as I mean this), u, r a winner.’

All very nice and I’m sure he spoke with his friend Margaret which prompted him to have such an about face, because last night he was quite adamant in his refusal to apologize for anything as I sat there being hurt. Do I need this? No I don’t. I have enough on my plate, as does Bill. I asked Bill on the phone last night if he noticed that I don’t tell him anything really about what is going on in my life and of course he didn’t notice and why should he. He’s always going off on what is plaguing his life at the moment and after his comment that I am high maintenance I decided not to tell him anything personal about me.

Great relationship huh?

As I walked across town this morning on my way to work, I decided to play side 2 of the Buzzcocks ‘A Different Kind of Tension’ starting out with ‘I Don’t Know What to Do With My Life’ and ending with ‘I Believe’ which is one of my all time favorite songs. I was surprised that I was getting choked up during ‘I Believe’ singing quietly to myself and walking through Bryant Park. I continued after that to Singles Going Steady, the Buzzcocks singles compilation. Ever Fallen In Love, What Do I Get, Promises all hit home.

I tell you Pete Shelley really hit the nail on the head when he wrote those songs. Now it’s back to the anxiety, the fear that something is going to go wrong with my oral surgery. My brother Frank had his stroke last year, around this time, the dreaded month of May and I feel I am slated for the same fate or worse depending on how you look at it. In any event I would like ‘I Believe’ by the Buzzcocks to be played during my memorial service. I definitely don’t have a positive attitude towards the whole thing and once again I am on my own, going through it solo. I guess writing about what songs I would like played at my memorial service betrays my morbid approach to the whole situation.

CODA

Walked to the Dental School, and it was warm enough outside to break a sweat and that’s when I realized I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so out of it was I. I got to the front desk on the fifth floor and let them know I was in. As I was taking a seat, who do I see but Bill. Apparently he took half a day off at work so he could be with me. I was pretty much frightened of the whole oral surgery thing, and the memory of my brother Frank’s stroke, caused initially by a tooth infection added fuel to my fire.

I told Bill that if I start talking incoherently and I’m not drunk or on drugs, get me to a hospital pronto. With the stress of the dentist as well as last night’s fiasco I was a bundle of nerves and it showed this morning. And no real restful sleep. I think Bill either figured it out from what I told him last night, or someone else talked some sense into him but he was somewhat humbled this afternoon. We still have a lot to talk about with regards to it all. I’m tired.

Hello. Tonight’s entry is from the loneliest guy on the East Coast. I would have said the world but there are probably plenty of lonely guys around. So I’ll take the east coast for myself, thank you. Tonight was supposed to be a fun evening. Unfortunately it didn’t turn out that way. The day started out quite nicely. Bill was here, we watched The Savages which hit home for Bill, having been through the situation of having a parent with dementia.

I enjoyed the movie too, if it can be called enjoyment. Just that I was able to see things in the movie that I hadn’t seen the first time around, like Laura Linney’s facial expressions or Philip Seymour Hoffman’s mannerisms. Went to bed after that, Bill joined me soon after. It was bliss having him laying there. I was fast asleep and didn’t hear him come to bed. Woke up and it was good to see him there next to me. I had picked out what I was going to wear to work, something extra special since Bill and I were invited to a shindig down on Wall Street that his cousin Elsie invited us to.

I had known about this for a week or so so I was looking forward to it, as was Bill. We haven’t had any good celebrations or parties to go to so this was going to be fun. The ride to work was pleasant, the weather was great. The office filled up, I was somewhat busy, running errands, even sent a small package to Annemarie, it was a good day. Everything seemed to be up up up. That should have been the warning sign. I got out of work at 4:30. Bill told me he was going to get out, maybe 5:00, more likely 5:30. No problem.

It was a nice enough afternoon. I wandered around puffing on a Padron, and found myself outside of Bill’s office building at 5:20. I called Bill, he still had some things to do. I mentioned seeing him in 10 minutes. 30 minutes later I was tired of standing on the sidewalk in dress shoes. Padron was finished so I called Bill’s desk and left a message, telling him I was going to be in Bryant Park waiting. Sure enough, after I found a seat in the park, Bill calls. By now, I’m tired and hungry but willing to go have a good time.

Bill showed up and I mentioned that I should have waited in the park rather than outside Bill’s building, seeing everyone going home, walking to the bus terminal. From out of nowhere, Bill says ‘if it’s going to be like this for the rest of the night I want to know now!’ I repeat that I should have waited in the park. He repeats himself just as angry as the first time he said it. So we start walking to the subway, not really speaking with each other. Bill did say, he was inundated with work at the last minute, all excuses, no apology.

No, ’sorry, but it wasn’t my fault, they threw a lot of things at me at the last minute’. No that would’ve been the nice thing to say. Bill asked how my day was and I gave a thumbs up, saying it was perfect. That was the wrong thing to say, since he heard it as having attitude. I didn’t intend for it to be attitude, and what if it was? He showed quite an angry attitude with his ‘tell me now’ shit. That effectively killed any conversation between the 2 of us for the evening. And also his imitating of me with my thumbs up and saying ‘perfect’ didn’t help matters at all.

I sat next to Bill and we barely said a word. In fact, I talked to the waiter more than I talked to Bill. I told Bill’s cousin that I was going to be leaving after the dinner since I had to take a train home and after a certain hour, you have to transfer in Jersey City. With the night I was having, sitting in the middle of a party, not talking to anyone, much less my partner, sitting 6 inches to my left, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Bill’s cousin said she and her husband were leaving at 9:30, taking a town car home.

At 9:00 I made my exit, kissing Bill’s cousin good night and thanking her for the invitation. I looked at Bill and said ’see ya’. I walked to the Path train, wishing there was someone I could talk to. I don’t think I ever felt as lonely as I did tonight. I tried calling Annemarie a few times, but she was out. I probably worried my nephew Earl since I called 3 times. I thought it pathetic, the only person I felt I could talk to was 3000 miles away.

Forget about local friends, Julio and Stine have Alexander, Roda has his son, Rand has his own thing going on, and Harpy, has his own problems. Everyone seemed to have real, more pressing matters at hand, including Annemarie, who has probably the most serious, the realest problems with her husband Rex and his heart procedure coming up, and here I am, ‘boo hoo. My partner isn’t talking to me’. Sometimes I just feel so pathetic. I did eventually talk to Annemarie and that helped, as did scribbling in my notebook on the Path train home.

I also called Bill and we had it out somewhat. He wasn’t going to call me. I did tell him that my ‘perfect’ thumbs up may have been seen and heard as snotty, but it wasn’t. His ‘tell me now’ crap was pure anger. And he never apologized for being late. I had to tell him that all he had to say was ’sorry, but it wasn’t my fault’ and I think the concept escaped him. Jeezy creezy, when did I become such a pathetic loser? Or was I always that way and being alone just brought it all home tonight? Bill’s pride in non-communication certainly did not help.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, a day that I am probably at my most low key. True I did see some of my family in the morning, but other than that I kept to myself mainly. Not in the doldrums and not resenting other people who’s mothers are still alive like the first couple of years after my mother passed away. Didn’t do much of anything and right now I can’t think of anything that I might have done.

I did watch Alec Baldwin on 60 Minutes, then watched the Simpsons where to my surprise, Homer’s mother Mona passed away, on Mother’s Day. Don’t know if it was Mother’s Day in Springfield, but it was the day they broadcast it. Homer mourned and fulfilled his mother’s final wishes, dismantling a missile silo inadvertently with his mother’s ashes. King of the Hill was also very good and funny. It’s rare that I watch King of the Hill on it’s own, it’s almost always after watching the Simpsons.

Then I watched Ratatouille, which took me by surprise. It’s was very good and the animation was great. A cute little story. Who knew that rats could be so adorable and not ridden with disease and parasites? I was just glad they didn’t have the rats talking to the people and vice versa. The human, named Linguine did speak but it wasn’t like there was a conversation between him and Remy the rat. Recommended.

After that, then the news. Lots of tornadoes in the Midwest as well as in the south. If I were to use the meteorological and theological skills of John McCrazy’s friend, Pastor John Hagee I would wonder why god hates all of these people in the United States? His rationale for Katrina was the big gay Southern Decadence party scheduled for the week that Katrina hit and god was so angry about that it nearly wiped out New Orleans.

I don’t think many gay people were killed or left homeless so this avenging god just fucked up the lives of those who passionately believe in it, with the pieces still scattered since these oh so pious christians spend more time demonizing LGBT people and not helping the poor and less fortunate that Jesus did and suggested his followers do. So I blame god for these disasters, courtesy of Pastor John Hagee. You use god to explain one catastrophe, why not use the god for all catastrophes? Myanmar and China were simply believing in the wrong god.

Woke up this morning to the sounds of an extremely heavy rain storm, heavy enough for me to send an email saying that I wouldn’t be in. I then went back to bed after texting Lydia that I wouldn’t be in. An hour or so later I felt bad that I wasn’t going in so I contacted Lydia and told her that I might be in if they could ‘finish fixing my ceiling which was leaking’. That was the excuse. I used it once before when working at Wolff Olins or rather, McMann and Tate.

So I was able to take my time and get ready for work at my own pace. I made it into the office a little after 11:00. Most everyone had leaky ceiling stories so they all chimed in with their versions. I told them that the repairs were started pretty much after I sent the initial email and that my really nice neighbors were overseeing the clean up. Still it was a crappy morning, strong winds turning umbrellas inside out.

I took the subway to the office, and it seemed like I was the go to guy for people who didn’t know how to get to where they wanted to go. 3 different people in 5 minutes. Got to the office and surprised everyone which made me look good, coming to work while repairs were being done on my apartment. Today was the day that postage stamps went up a penny so I took it upon myself to get to the post office to get them.

It wasn’t raining when I walked up Third Avenue. I passed this guy who seemed glad to see me. He said his name was Mike and we had some friends in common. A black woman that I am good friends with is his sister. All I could think of was Margaret, Bill’s friend. He rattled on and on about Margaret, how ill she’s gotten. I was surprised at how much he knew, or claimed to know while maintaining a healthy skepticism.

He said he goes to Hunter College and bought a car but the gas guage was broken and he needed some money to get some gas. Like $8.00. I gave him $3.00 and walked away. I called up Bill and asked if Margaret had a brother and it turns out she didn’t. It was a scam, a well played scam, worth $3.00, no more no less.

New Tom Waits video, posted today! Lie To Me.

A very mellow day. Presently watching a documentary on the Hippies, narrated by Peter Coyote, former Digger and the go to guy for narration duties for this type of thing. It’s not the ‘everything was great’ documentary, it’s more like “look it had it’s dark side.” I’m not really paying much attention to it. It’s rather bland and it’s nothing I hadn’t heard before. Last night was very quiet, didn’t do much of anything.

Juan called at 11:30 wanting to go out, and I told him that I would need a little more time to prepare, and Saturday Night Live had started, so I was basically in for the night. Fifteen years, while living in Weehawken I would wait until midnight on Saturday nights, phone in my unemployment claim then walk down to McSwells where I wouldn’t leave until after closing and somehow make it home usually by taxi, or depending on the kindness of strangers.

Now, I’d need enough notice, a disco nap and probably some Red Bull just to get me out the door. Juan did go out, solo and was the belle of the ball from what he said. I probably would have maintained my persona non grata status. Just as well that I didn’t go out since my niece Meghan and her husband Rob were participating a 5 kilometer run in Hoboken.

I found out last night with Meghan calling me. Last year she called me an hour before the race and I went, but this year I was able to prepare myself and have coffee and breakfast beforehand. This year, brother Frank, his wife Elaine and their other daughter Cori were able to make it. They called, wanting to come over to use the bathroom. I asked them where they were and they were closer to the train station so I steered them there and got myself together.

I met up with them on the street, Frank jonesing for an Egg McMuffin so it was off to McDonald’s for him while Elaine and Cori and I waited outside. Various families running off to early brunches and breakfasts for Mother’s Day, including McDonald’s. WE walked over to the river where there was a mass of runners waiting to start running. A couple of hundred I would say. They were soon off vanishing into the distance.

We sat on benches where Frank ate what turned out to be cinnamon buns, not an Egg McMuffin. The runners made their way back, Rob coming in 10th place for men and Meghan coming in 2nd for women. Meghan also received a trophy for her efforts. It was great to spend some time with the Garfield contingent this morning. Everyone seemed healthy and happy. Rob and Meg gave me a ride home with everyone headed back to Garfield.

I came home had some coffee and read the papers and I’m content. A very low key day is just what is needed at this point. No complaints, no stress. And here are some snaps from this morning’s activities. See you tomorrow….

Rob on the run

Meghan on the run

The Garfield Contingent

Cory and Me

Meghan gets her trophy

Me and the nieces

Well Saturday came and here it is. Turned out to be nice weather after a day and night of rain. Watched the TV last night, chatted with Juan before that. He made some suggestion about going out, I plead poverty. He lost his cellphone and doesn’t have internet where he’s been living at school. He did have a sketch of a plan to come up and visit his mother in Union City, so I told him to give me a call if he was in the area.

By 11:30 I was having difficulty staying awake so I went to bed, only to be woken by the buzzer at midnight. It was Juan looking to hang out. I was almost asleep and had to turn him down which sucked, but perhaps if I had gotten a phone call I would have made an effort. But he didn’t so I went back to sleep.

Then the phone rang and it was Bill calling to wish me a good night as well as tell me the latest tale of woe with regards to looking after his mother. I tried to reassure him that he should get some sleep and it might be better in the morning. When we spoke this morning things hadn’t gotten any better but they didn’t get any worse either. Poor Bill, at wit’s end. His mother can’t be left alone yet Bill has to get on with his day to day routine somehow.

I did my Saturday morning routine and shocked at what used to be cheaper a month or so ago has nearly doubled in price. Everything is getting more expensive. Even bagels which I now butter myself at home, thank you very much. Did the laundry, read the papers had breakfast. I also watched the Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer.

If you were a fan of the Fantastic Four like I was and knew the Silver Surfer saga you will be disappointed. A real must to avoid. Stick to the comic books. I still want to see Iron Man though, which would probably be the first time I listen to a Black Sabbath song with out the urge to leave the room.

Decided to head into the city after that. Took the Path train in and got off at Christopher Street which I hadn’t done in a long time, not in a year maybe. Walked around neighborhoods that were very different years ago. Favorite stores gone, even Washington Square Park is being redone. I think they were re-centering the fountain that used to be in the middle, a little off of center, which added to the charm but the new powers that be decided it must be aligned with something so now a good portion of the park has been dug up, behind fences and unaccessible. The Bottom Line is gone, Tower Records is gone, and we all know CBGB’s is gone too, and Washington Square isn’t the same. .

Sheridan Square/Christopher Street

Sixth Avenue and West 4th Street

Washington Square Park

The former Bottom Line

formerly Tower Records

Lafayette Street and Fourth Avenue

I walked up Lafayette Street, overhearing a conversation on Leslie Van Houten, one of the Manson Girls. Walked up to 110 Fourth Avenue which is where the best god damned card shop in Manhattan is, known as Farfetched. Farfetched is owned by Susan Zappone and Lois Marsilio, 2 old friends of Harpy’s that I’ve known about 10 years now. Farfetched is a fascinating store full of knick knacks and do dads and the occasional whatnot. Harpy was working with Susan and the atmosphere was full of happiness and good music. The customers were plenty and in need of a lot of attention, excepting the steadfast customers who have been shopping at Farfetched since 1945. I believe Harry Truman bought himself a picture frame on a whistle stop tour of Manhattan in 1947. Either Truman or Eisenhower, I don’t know, I could be wrong on that count.

Harpy and Susan at Farfetched

I then walked around a bit, chatted with Annemarie on the phone too near cell phone dead zones and avoided the recently infested with bed bugs, Union Square. I walked up Park Avenue, puffing on a Padron and listening to the B-52’s Funplex which gets better each time I play it and I’ve been playing it once a day at least.

Walked up to 33rd Street so I could finish my cigar and get a seat on the Path train back to Hoboken. An uneventful ride with me reading ‘God is Not Great’ by Christopher Hitchens. Hoboken was busy, people walking up and down the boulevard and shopping. Since tomorrow is Mother’s Day, the card and gift shops were busy, which explains the busyness of Farfetched.

Pretty Pretty

Abstraction

Good doggy

Cement crib

Pigeon frenzy

Got a call from Julio, he was out shopping for Mother’s day gifts and I shopped with him for a bit. Of course we hit the card and gift shops and after spending time in Farfetched I headed out to the street to wait. I ran into Steve Pierson a former executive director from my Wanker Banker days. He was with his wife Stacy and their darling daughter of 20 months, Abby. Steve is a nice guy, he grabbed my arm as I was headed out to wait and got my attention. He and Stacy moved to Hoboken a few years ago. He’s a really nice guy, a bit right wing but I don’t hold it against him.

Looks great in a suit and tie though, really woof. I did have a chemically fueled discussion over cigars and drinks (I was fueled he wasn’t) at a holiday party a few years ago. About Bush. He was for him, and guess who wasn’t? I think I’ve been proven right, but it didn’t come up. They left and I wished Steve’s wife a happy Mother’s Day.

Julio bought all the proper things for Mother’s Day, presents for his wife who’s a new mom, a card from their son for Mother’s day and as well as for his grandmother, Julio’s mom. Julio told me he was going to be an uncle, his sister Maria is having twins. Baby crazy I tell you. None for me thanks.

Pimpin’ ain’t easy