It is Monday, February 2nd, 2026. I had a good night of sleep, and the last dream I remembered was me being in Farfetched, helping somebody out who may or may not have been a customer or a client, and I was taking inventory at their request.

Once again, it’s very cold out, cold enough to make you want to stay in bed as long as you can. Having had the past two Mondays off, this Monday was quite dispiriting but there’s nothing I can do about it. Here I am, I made it into work once again in text intact.

The weekend was mainly with Bill, which was good mostly I would have to say. And Mike says that he’s greatly upset at the situation I am in. There is love, but it’s not physical love between Bill and me, which distresses Mike to no end, and Mike says he’s going to step up and give me what Bill cannot or will not.

This is very nice to hear, but as he tells me these things that reopens the wound that was scabbing over nicely between Bill and me. They don’t, Bill loves me, and I know I love Bill, but it’s not the way it used to be up until maybe a month ago, when I did have faith, and I had hope that someday things would get back to what they used to be.

But he was adamant and said that it would never happen, and the tone of voice was like a knife through the heart, and of course bill being bill communication is not his thing, so this can never be brought up to him without him getting greatly upset or unleashing the tone of voice that he unleashed the other week.

Mike promises to make love to me, which is awfully nice. Awfully nice physical touch is very nice; having gone without it for about 15 years, he reawakened something within me, something that had lain dormant. And now that I had some, I wanted it again.

Mike seems sincere, and I mentioned it to Jimmy Chile. Jimmy Chile states that it sounds like a con that Mike is running I don’t see it though and I know that Jimmy is just looking out for me as Mike is looking out for me and Bill looks out for me I am grateful to have such wonderful men in my life looking out for me and apparently I do the same for them when it arrives or is needed and I don’t even realize that I’m doing it

I should follow the advice I give to others, which is to not read the comments in social medias. But like a fool, I do since I fall for it almost every time.

Jimmy Chile seems convinced that Mike is running a con on me. I don’t see it, but Jimmy has seen a lot more than I have. I certainly wouldn’t want it to be true, but since when do I get what I want?

In the downtime at this gig, I found two possible job opportunities for Mike and sent them to him, but I have not heard back from him yet. Either he’s talking to his boyfriend, or I don’t know much anyway, I tried to make my bed. His words in my ear did not do much good for me and sort of poisoned the well for Bill and me. The Christmas gift that Bill gave me and my reaction to it were brought up a few times over the phone with Mike

Mike recognized the imagination and effort I put into getting gifts for him and Bill, and he really can’t speak about Bill because he regifted the gifts I gave him and told me that he did just that.

ICE in Hoboken, Jersey City

I haven’t got time for the pain

I woke up this morning, January 30th, the last Friday of January in 2026, and realized I never posted last night, so I hastily got something together and posted it.

They say it’s this morning that the cold is the coldest day of the year so far, and it certainly felt like that. I woke up on time and immediately wanted to stay in bed, but I could not.

The second four-day work week is nearly ended. Last week was planned; this past week was not.

So Mike’s boyfriend bought tickets for a cruise in May from Orlando to the Bahamas. Mike just has to get a flight from Newark to Orlando. The whole thing only works if Mike is not working.

Last night, while walking home, I was thinking about the 21st sandwich that I was going to have for dinner, tuna fish. I’m going to leave the Google errors in. As I walked up Washington Street, I saw an ad for quesadillas and realized it had been a while since I’d had one, so I went to Qdoba and ordered one.

I showed them my Qdoba card, and they said scan it and it turned out it was buy one get one free, and it was expiring that night. Whether or not it was true, I don’t know, but I bought two. I had one last night. I thought I’d eat two last night, but one was enough.

Bill is not a fan of Mexican food, so I decided to bring it to work today and heat it in the toaster oven in the kitchen. And being the idiot that I know I am, I wasn’t sure if the toaster oven was working properly, so I touched it, and within half a second, I had burned the tips of my fingers.

For the past couple of hours, it’s been bothering me. I was taking some Advil, and that seems to have done the job, or maybe it’s just time that feels that room. Or maybe it’s because I put my finger in my piss as I stood at the urinal and that seemed to do an immediate thing of dispelling the pain.

I was thinking of Kevin Wagner, who I may have written about before in the past, a former good friend whose heart I broke when I didn’t come out to him out of the closet, and he felt greatly upset, and I didn’t trust him. And like in Ted Lasso, Colin didn’t tell Jacob because he was afraid of Jacob rejecting him. It was the same thing with me, with me afraid of Kevin rejecting me, but that’s not what friends do, but that’s what I was afraid of. I have not heard from Kevin in over 40 years. I look for him online, but he does not have much of a presence at all, so I don’t even know if he’s alive.

He was a good man who married a woman named Ann and moved down to Florida, and that was the last I heard of him