Ducks and dates. Getting them lined up. I fear that once again, I’m not sexually attractive to Bill. Sad but this is the future. He’s not going to be around until Friday, staying in the Bronx and Stuy town respectively, and I know what lies between those two points. In the meantime, I’m a hot property for a few guys, all I have to do is pick the ones that I want to play with. Easy Peasy. I certainly won’t be heading to the East Side Club while Bill’s away, lest I run into him there, and I certainly don’t want to do that.
And even if I’m wrong about what lies between the two points of the Bronx and Stuy town, I have a knowledge of the history of what Bill is capable of. He’s done it over the past year and a half. Other guys turn him on, other guys can put him in a state of arousal. I can’t lately. And despite my attempts, my overtures, he’s not feeling it, or me.
I admit that I didn’t believe him when he said it wasn’t me. He couldn’t even play with Rob, he said, the guy that he would like to create a ménage a trois with. I don’t believe that. I have a feeling in my heart of hearts that yes we love each other so much, so deeply, but hey, we ain’t gonna have sex anytime soon
I’m none to happy about it, but this is our future. The future is always changing and that makes me hopeful but after a year and change of sitting around waiting for Bill to make love with me, or to play with me I have to get my own groove on. Luckily when I was not into seeing other guys, I would let the guys that were interested in me down easy. I didn’t slam the door shut, left it open a crack. And hopefully they had done the same.
Apparently they had though. I still chat with some of these guys every now and then and it’s cordial. So after years of saying to them, ‘No no, I’m in a monogamous relationship’ I can finally say, ‘Yes yes, I’m in an open relationship’. And from what I read, these guys are definitely into me.
Bill’s always fond of saying that he didn’t care if I played around, because he knew he had my heart. That’s true, he does have my heart. The other guys can have the other organs and I can have some fun.
Last night, wasn’t fun. It was cold and lonely. Granted he was tired, I was tired, but I know when someone’s not diggin me. Bill should know that I know. There is his saying, when dealing with someone in the clubs who is into him but the feeling isn’t mutual, the saying goes something like, “Not ‘NO’, just not ‘NOW'”. So as in the clubs, so in the bedroom, the attitude has to be, just move on and maybe you will find someone to play with later.
So I’ve got my ducks lined up and I’m getting my dates lined up. I want to have fun and have sex, and I got to go out and get it.
To my advantage, Hoboken is also Homoken. Quite an array of gay men, and all within walking distance.
And while in the city, the East Side Club is only 200 yards from where I work. So I am surrounded by sex if I want it, and oh yes, I do want it.
The plan Bill proposed about us joining ESC, or actually, Bill renewing his membership and me signing up isn’t going to happen since Bill went ahead and renewed alone. So I can always go on my own.
I just don’t want to run into him there. Going together and playing together is fine, but now that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I don’t want to see him there, like I told the counselor the other night, because I’m going there specifically not to have sex with him, and certainly not to think about him. And as I said the other night and also mentioned previously to Bill that if I do go and see him there I will probably just put my clothes on and leave and eat the fucking admission fee.
The ménage a trois doesn’t seem likely, especially since I told Bill that there was a good chance, that since Rob and I like the same things, and Bill doesn’t, that he might be the odd man out. So I guess we’ll never know. It was all up to Bill. Rob dug me, I thought Rob might be a good playmate, but Bill doesn’t seem too keen on the idea, at least that’s my take on the matter.
And this is my future, now.