Monthly Archives: March 2012

I Honestly Love You


Now I am home. It’s a Thursday evening and it has been a long day. Up at 7:30, at the bus stop at 8:30 and in the cigar shack at 9:30. I got through alright, after a few decisions on how to get through the day. Some Facebook friends were dropped.

Didn’t need to deal with their shit anymore since I usually have to deal with their shit face to face. Now it’s only face to face, no phoniness. Its more ‘professional’ wouldn’t you say? The day was slow enough and also had an empty promise that was repeated from yesterday.

I didn’t believe it then and I didn’t believe it today. I have also decided not to give any sales away, even after I hit my personal goal. I used to do it but since no one else does it, so why should I? From now on it will be all mine. I couldn’t really expect others to do what I do.

That would be impossible I guess and unfair to them. It’s a burden, such a burden, oh what a burden to be so relied upon. You can thank Brian Eno for that line, or rather, I can thank Brian Eno.

I was aloof most of the day, while friendly and sociable. I guess I am that way right now. Bill is sitting behind me watching Lawn hors d’œuvre on his iPad and I sit here in front of the computer with my back to him. He offered to turn on the TV but he’s in the middle of his show and whatever I wanted to watch is being recorded so I can watch it anytime.

So the only sound is Sam Waterson & Carey Lowell talking about a case. A deal is struck, the ominous closing music is playing as Waterson & Lowell close the show. Bill probably has another episode on schedule I’m sure. He just turned on 30 Rock and I just turned down the volume instead of listening to the last 6 minutes.

Yeah I’m ambivalent tonight. Tomorrow is a day off and you know what? I really don’t care. Pathetic isn’t it? And it has been quite a struggle to write this much so far. Nothing to write about really. Not that there ever is.

I’ve slowly started looking for a new job again. Nothing major, just an email to useless staffing agencies. One out of three responded to my email. I try to send an email every couple of weeks but I am sure I have been binned.

No response makes me feel like I am a hopeless case. The longer I am out of the office environment means it will be more difficult to get back into that situation. In June I will have been at the cigar shack for 2 years. Nothing to be proud of I’m afraid.

Yes it’s a job and yes I am grateful to have a job but it is stressful. Sell sell sell all the time. No sitting down, which more than likely accounts for the weight I have lost. I haven’t needed to unfasten my trousers when I take them off in about a year. I remove my braces and can easily slide right out of them. What an accomplishment!

That’s it. I hit over 500 words for today. No mas.

08 No Clocks

I Hold Your Hand In Mine

Right now, Turning Japanese by the Vapors is playing. A 1980 hit, right before graduation if I recall correctly. Great song, I still don’t think it’s about masturbation but I do get the references. I don’t think one of my favorite songs of all times, Another Girl Another Planet by the Only Ones is about heroin but that’s what the word in the shooting galleries is, from what I’ve heard. Do they still have shooting galleries? Not that I want to know, I am just wondering.

The world spun on it’s axis and a new day started. Last night when I came home Bill was fast asleep. I woke him like he asked me to and we chatted for a while, he was getting pissed off at George Zimmerman’s friend Joe Oliver on Lawrence O’Donnell.

Lawrence O’Donnell and Charles Blow from the New York Times tore his story apart. It was found out last night that he’s not such a good friend of murderer of Trayvon Martin, Zimmerman, just a co-worker who hadn’t spoken to him in over a month. It seemed like he was trying to get as much of his 15 minutes of fame as possible, and Bill agreed.

Bill went to bed soon after, and I followed an hour later. A decent hour, I got about 8 hours but it wasn’t restful. I had a dream where I was in a car with former friend Derry Pedovitch. We were talking to each other. I saw a picture of him online a few weeks ago, and time hadn’t been that kind to him. In the dream he was about to take off his baseball cap and I urged him not to.

I woke up, Bill still asleep. He was still ill and took the day off from work. I muddled about with my things and kissed Bill good bye. He was startled to see me hovering over him and wished me well on my day as I headed out.

Uneventful bus ride once again. I helped a blind woman cross Eighth Avenue since the people standing around her weren’t about to. Then a walk up the avenue where I started work. Zack and Jerry Vale once again. Much better than yesterday.

Zack is a great boss (and I write that hesitantly knowing that once I write it, things generally go awry), very generous with jerry Vale and myself, so much so that we both did good on sales today, Jerry Vale taking a decent lead with me not so far behind.

I am dreading tomorrow, having to open up again. I do get out early though and since I am off on Friday my mind is trying to think that it’s like having a day and a half off.

Now the Stranglers are on in the shop, Hanging Around is the song. Is it about Jesus? There is a Christ reference and his mother, after all. It’s my WPIX Playlist, songs from 1978-80 and some more recent things that could have fit in back then as well.

Just 28 minutes left. 28 long minutes and I get to start it all over again tomorrow morning.

06 Lavaux