My Dearest Elizabeth,

I am so terribly sorry to read about what has happened to your father and his ferret. It seems like only yesterday when he just bought Ulysses. The two got along like a house on fire. No one expected the ferret to have a seizure when they both went out for a drive last month. From what I’ve read in the paper, the coroner stated that your father had gone into shock after Ulysses tore through your father’s hamstring.

It was sad to read and brought back memories of my great Aunt Dorothy and her pet rabbit. The two were inseparable. So much so that during cold winters, the rabbit would drape itself around Aunt Dorothy’s neck, occasionally dispensing dried raisins to children in her neighborhood.

When the rabbit died, Aunt Dorothy had a sumptuous dinner featuring rabbit as the main course. A few guests complained about the meat being too tough, I guess from aging improperly.

Speaking of aging improperly, did you hear about Mrs. Sofronicz? Apparently she was caught with the garbage man sorting out recyclables from regular trash, if you know what I mean. Mr. Sofronicz came home earlier than expected one night to find the garbage laid out all over the driveway. It’s been said that he revved the car and almost ran over the two of them, creating an even greater mess than before.

Mary Beth tells me that Mr. Sofronicz was caught loitering in a rest room at the shopping mall. Imagine that! A banker, hanging out midday in a public restroom. The scandal! Mary Beth said that he paid off the police as well as the press who were tagging along. No one knows if they’ll be having their usual Mardi Gras party this year. We’ll have to wait and see.

My youngest, Todd, has been having a few scrapes with the law, spraying graffiti on public buildings. You might know his ‘Tag’. It’s ‘Todd’. I’ve seen a few of his signings or art works, and they are quite colorful, but lacking something. Todd always lacked imagination. He’s got something, but not that creative spark.

He’s a handful, though a bit slow. His mother wants me to speak with him about his grades. He’s failing miserably in most subjects and we’re considering one of those tutoring companies that they show on early morning television.

I still think he doesn’t apply himself, but then again I didn’t really apply myself either. I was bored, I don’t think he is. I don’t think it’s drugs or alcohol, which if he had a problem with, I’d blame his mother’s side of the family. Bunch of lousy rehabbers.

I’m glad to see your oldest daughter has gotten her GED and finished her community service. I tell you, that girl is going places.

Once again Elizabeth, I can’t say how sorry I truly am about your father. It truly is a shame. He truly loved that ferret, almost more than life itself. That makes it ironic that the thing he loved more than life itself wound up taking his life.

Call me, we’ll have lunch.

Maurice