Last night Bill and I met up at 45th street and Broadway. There was an Anti-war demonstration at the Army Recruitment Center. It was crowded but able to move about in the triangle island. Would’ve been great if Good Morning America was on. That would’ve been the perfect thing to do. Probably some deal between the city and ABC so that nothing like that ever gets on the air. Not a private space like the Today Show has at Rockefeller Center.

There was one guy walking in the street outside the barricaded triangle calling everyone inside the triangle traitors. Not one for someone else’s free speech. Man, people like this have existed forever. The “You don’t like it? Leave!” set.

It was there that I dropped the bomb on Bill regarding the open relationship scenario, which thus far is a scenario, excepting last Thursday’s rendezvous. Talk with Julio last night occurred while drinking beer with a content of 10% alcohol, from where else, but Denmark! Hej!

Julio bless his heart, was looking out for my back. 10 years ago I would’ve wished that literally. But good kind friend he is, spent the majority of his time reminding me of what I felt and said less than two months ago. Yes I was hurt, and totally angry. He really did help, and I appreciated his cold-water wisdom as much as I appreciated the Fox Beer.
It did get quite heated and topped off with laughter.

But there is also love, not lost, but quite possibly regained.

A chance to begin again. Start fresh. A depth has occurred in this relationship that not felt before. Some friends told me when this relationship went aground that they were surprised at how strong I had become. I do believe that I am still that strong.

Bill has told me his fears now that I’ve told him of my rendezvous. His fear of me being with someone and falling in love with that person, i.e., becoming an emotional and not just sexual relationship is a fear I have lived with when he would suggest certain things like going to a club and such. And not a dance club.

No thanks. I’m no prude. I’ve been around the friggin highway, never mind the block. And I do mean that literally. Definitely something I am not proud of at all. The fact that I am alive and writing this in reasonably good health is really an amazing thing.

But I never did the clubs, the baths whathaveyou. Never any need. Which is probably why I’m here. I did bury a few friends and mourned others during the beginning of the plague years. But when I found Bill I felt I didn’t have to look again. Now, it turns out I may have to.

There is love there I know it, I can feel it. There is also pain and anger. A fine goulash, best served warm. Feeds two. Bittersweet perhaps. But we have a long way to go. And hopefully it will be a long trip.

I’ve always said to Bill that there is no guidebook really. Each relationship is different. There are similarities for sure. So it’s really up in the air. I don’t know the future, and I don’t think I really want to.

No prophesies of Nostril Damage here.

It is what it is. And that’s Ok. Went to work today. Major accomplishment. It wasn’t raining so at least not having to deal with that made it a little bit easier. On the way to work I listened to Brian Eno’s latest record Another Day on Earth. Very moody. Mitt vocals! I was going to turn it off, play another song by someone else but couldn’t get a reason to. It certainly is interesting.

I strolled into work before Christina, did what I had to do and waited for the day’s drama to unfold. It got quite odd when the lush locked herself in a private phone room with a door that doesn’t lock. She simply couldn’t figure out how to turn a latch. And she is currently in charge of the office with Bleedin Hope touring the continent.

Met up with Bill after work. We went to the anti-war rally, which now in hindsight seems most apt. I told him and I do believe this, that an open relationship is the way to go if our plan to stay together will survive. I do admit a certain gloating when I was telling him of the fact that my 14 month drought had ended. I had no guilt then and I have no guilt now.

He seemed surprised that I felt the way I did about open relationships, and he should be surprised considering how I was against them. But love is love. We shall remain a couple who love each other, though the fire of sexual desire for each other has cooled quite a bit.
I was worried because I thought he was still in his sexual compulsives group therapy, but it turns out he wasn’t, he was going on auditions.

I know what some of you are thinking…

So that’s what he’s been doing…and I believe him. I do love him, so I suppose like classic couples of the past a bohemian open relationship with me being the bohemian and Bill being, well, Bill. These roles can be interchangeable if need be.

After 14 months of me thinking, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ and then suddenly posting an advert somewhere and getting all these messages about how hot I am, it was truly a well needed boost to my ego. And I think most people that know me, know my lack of self-confidence and low esteem. And that’s just the charming bit.

Self-Effacing? Check please! And could you wrap this self-deprecation to go? Thanks.

Of course rules, boundaries will have to be put in effect. Bill for instance won’t bring anyone to Hoboken. Me? Hey, somebody’s gotta host!

I know that makes me sound like I cruise the net all the time looking for hookups. I really don’t. Swear to dog. I was much busier way before the Internet. Now it’s all about something that I don’t really know how to speak about. I can write about it no problem, but very few guys are into wit.

Where is the grace of an erect cock outline grabbed outside of a guys pants. The subtlety of a wanton gaze? Where is the lust?

So it rules and boundaries and respect…