In the distance car horns are blaring, whistles are blowing, police sirens going off. Italy has won the World Cup. All of that was preceded by firecrackers going off steadily for about a half hour. It’s been a beautiful day and I do plan to go outside and enjoy it. Been cooped up inside both physically and somewhat emotionally. Day started out fraught with tension and came to a head (as it were) just around late morning.

Just a very deep and intense talk with Bill. Harrowing. And to top it all off I was supposed to call my sister while I was expecting her to call me. Crossed wires, bad communication. I was planning on taking a train to Garfield, where my brother Frank lives, but when I finally heard from Annemarie, she was just leaving Garfield. Then I hoped that I could take a train to Teterboro and meet her by my niece’s apartment, but that rail line doesn’t run on Sundays.

Bill and I talked things through. Talked each other in off the ledge. Annemarie headed back to Garfield, and offered to take me back to Bokeyland if I wanted to catch a train out there. I said No thanks, I didn’t want her driving all over the place. She would’ve with no problem, but I just didn’t think it would be worth the trouble. And immediately after I hung up the phone felt even worse. And it’s such a beautiful day. Feeling blue on a sunny day sucks.

Bill is at his folks and I’m just farting around the apartment. Lot’s of Italians in the Hoboken area. Lot’s of car horns. It’s not because of Bill that I’m blue, on the contrary I think things might be looking up. I’m more blue about not going to Garfield. There are probably car horns aplenty in Garfield, but I’m not hearing them for I was feeling sorry for myself. I’ve just eaten though and feel much better. Still mad at myself for not calling Annemarie though.

With Bill there were a few tears and a few angry feelings. We ran the gamut. We talked about what’s the point of going to see Philip Beansprout if we’re not going to take his advice under consideration? I mean we talk for an hour or two after the session then it seems we part ways mentally and go back into our old habits. That’s why we talked today. I didn’t go on Friday, Bill went solo and really didn’t get into what his session was like. He is starting to feel that he should go to these sessions solo, I don’t totally agree with that.

We talked about splitting up which is something neither one of us wants to do. Very Gladys Knight and the Pips. But not that sad, having just read the lyrics. There’s still hope, more hope than what’s in that song, no matter how great Gladys Knight belts it out. We both love each other so damn much and there was a sparkle of lust before he headed to his folks. Now there’s just performance anxiety.

And the car horns and the whistles keep blowing.