The Right to Write about Frank Lloyd Wright.

Why did I pick architecture rather than Aeronautics? What’s it all about Johnny? It’s about nothing Johnny, and it’s about everything Johnny. I am in love with Bill Vila. Who is a decent, good man and has done some bad things. My partner, Bill who we’ve committed to each other 2 years ago, who I’ve been with for 5 years, my partner and I have separated. It had to be done. Things were getting askew, to put it politely.

There’s so much shit (to put it impolitely) to deal with. Homeboy has got serious issues. I feel like I have been there already, or at least have a good idea of where his head is at. Usually it’s up his ass, meaning, he sees and cares for nothing but himself. I mean, he cares for me, he cares for his parents. He hates to be told what to do by them and he hates what is suggested for him by me.

Bill stopped finding me sexually attractive, and in feeling this way was compelled to find what was missing from our relationship amongst strangers in booth stores. Of course my friends told me he was fucking around, but I didn’t want to believe it, choosing to think it was our schedules. I made myself available to him 24/7. He made himself available to me for about 45 minutes a day.

But still I love him. He supports me I suppose, he supposes. But we both definitely need counseling. And it is up to him to arrange it, since he’s the one with the abstract schedule.

He is a decent guy. There is innocence to him that I find charming and irresistible. A lot of friends don’t see it. And he’s jealous of my relationships with Julio and Pedro. The fact that I’ve known them for almost 20 years doesn’t seem to matter. He’s jealous.

But as I’ve told him before, we have a different relationship than the friendship with Julio and Pedro. In fact it’s probably better. I want to be with him for the rest of my life and I think he wants the same thing.

And it’s about life. To share one’s life with someone is a great act of humanity. I don’t think he understands that. He just has so many damn issues. He doesn’t realize that when his parents or myself say something about what he should do, it’s all for what’s good for him, the best for him.

But he doesn’t see past his nose, and what he hears in his head is nagging and people telling him what to do. Jeezy Creezy, he’s 42 and still behaving like a rebellious teenager.

And I do love him very much. Relationships are work and this is where it becomes really hard work. We both need to put our shoulders to the grindstone.

Since August 30, and today is October 14, I’ve become stronger. I always felt, not superior but more knowledgeable in life matters when being with Bill. I am giving him one more chance and if it doesn’t work, then that’s that. I plan to make it work. I want him to make it work as well. I’m surprised that we’re not in couples counseling yet.

10.14.05 b