Well not soon after posting last night, I put Land of the Lost in the DVD player. I anticipated Bill coming home and wanting to watch it. It seemed silly enough, no thinking required. I could hear Bill climbing up the steps from the lower floors.

He was lumbering as usual and as usual I greeted him at the door with a smile, helping him with his bag. Just something nice to come home to. I know when he does it for me I have a look of ‘what the hell are you doing’ since it doesn’t happen that often.

And it doesn’t happen that often since he’s not home usually when I come home. It’s when he is home, that’s when the look comes out. Probably my father’s patented look. It’s too bad, I know- Bill tries. On the other hand I don’t mind doing it when he comes home.

So tonight he doesn’t seem as cheery and I ask what’s wrong. His knee has been acting up lately and it happened a few times today. Popping actually. And he also seems a bit subdued. He says he’ll be fine. He just wants to relax. He has his box of Cheerios, his Hershey bars.

I sit and continue watching the Office which was a good episode. The 7:30 repeat. Harpy called in the beginning. He’s getting nervous about getting his teeth removed so new choppers can go in. I did my best to reassure that it would be fine when call waiting interrupted, Nature was on the other line.

Harpy got off the phone and I took the other call. After that I settled in to watch Michael and Jan’s dinner party with Pam and Jim and Andy and Angela with Dwight and his former babysitter crashing. It was just the right amount of uncomfortableness to make it hilarious.

Bill asked me about Lois DiLivio’s Shakespeare Reading at McSwells next Sunday. He wasn’t sure whether or not he could make it as he has a play opening the following Monday (which is the day I am starting my new job) but asked me how I felt about the reading last time in December.

I told him I enjoyed it. It was fun, surrounded by mostly friendly faces and familiar people. I got people to laugh as I read my lines from The Merchant of Venice. Bill pulls out a script and asks me if I would read for his reading on Monday. That was surprising.

I was unprepared for it, even though I overheard him talking to the playwright on the phone saying that they needed a white actor. I thought about offering my services but didn’t think anything of it. Now here’s Bill asking me to do the same thing.

Almost immediately anxiety set in.

Yes I would be willing to do this. I explained how nervous it sounded. I would be onstage reading with people I don’t know. Bill said that since I was able to do it at McSwells, so why not again? I tried to tell him that yes I did it at McSwells but I was among people I mainly new, they were friendly and no one else would be paying attention.

Bill mentions my busking, how I can play my guitar in front of total strangers by the river. In my mind I say to myself, those people just keep moving on. No one stands there and pays any mind to what song I may be mangling. And I am basically hiding behind the guitar.

Bill says that people were paying attention to us at McSwells last month. They could hear us, they could see us and they were very interested in what we were doing. I disagreed, since we were in that fish bowl area, behind glass. It wasn’t that crowded, it was early Sunday afternoon. And I was among friends having fun.

Obviously Bill believes in me and had been thinking about it for a few days. I mention that it would have been nice to have been asked a few days ago, now I have to cram this anxiety into 36 hours instead of having the luxury of spreading that anxiety out over a number of days.

We watch Land of the Lost. Bill liked it a lot. I chuckled once or twice but my mind was elsewhere. After the movie and some of the DVD extras he starts to get ready for bed. My silence throughout most of the movie went unnoticed.

Only when he went to kiss me good night did he ask if I was alright. I told him I was really very nervous. He didn’t understand that and said well actors take that nervousness and put it in their acting. I tell him that’s all well and good but I’m not an actor.

‘Well you did it at McSwells’

‘Yes but I was among friends, it was very relaxed and fun. I don’t want to make you look like an idiot for getting me to do this.’

‘Look if you don’t want to do it, fine. I can get someone else. I just thought that this would be good for you.’

‘I said I was going to do it so I will do it. I just wish I had known about it sooner. I mean, I was fine, chilling out at home at 6:00 and now at 10:45 I’m really not so chill anymore.’

‘If you don’t want to…’

‘I said I will do it. Just very nervous. I’ll be with people I don’t know, on a stage, it’s very nerve wracking. And my part, it’s the bad guy.’

My part is the white manager of a black sculptor in 1968 Asbury Park who screws the artist. I’m going to do it, but I guess I have butterflies carrying hand grenades in my stomach. All for the experience I say to myself, all for something out of the ordinary.

And there are typos in the script.

And now I check my email and I have an invite for an interview with an application attached to fill out.

Now it’s an hour or so later. I watched Jazz on a Summer’s Day, another library DVD, disappointed that it was only 20 minutes long. Interesting to look at the jazz fans in the audience grooving to Louis Armstrong.

I also read the script that Bill wants me to read Monday night. It’s not bad, could definitely use some tweaking here and there, some tightening up, but I’m not a script doctor. I will participate though. I’ve highlighted all my lines and creased the pages where they are.

Just some stage fright to deal with.

I wrote that last night. Things are better. I am somewhat more prepared for the reading tomorrow.

I also have a phone interview for another job tomorrow afternoon. Feast or famine it seems. I didn’t take the pre-screening application too seriously. My cheekiness might have worked to my advantage.

If I post tomorrow, it will probably be later since I will be at the reading. So hang tight.

I did run into Julio & Alexander this morning in Church Square Park. While talking to Julio I notice a bird flying in to land on a tree branch. I noticed it had a wider wing span and it wasn’t a seagull. It was actually a hawk.

Julio remarked that it was probably going to eat a squirrel or pigeon. Or mice. A few weeks ago when Bill and I were headed to Chaz’ party, as we entered the park we saw a cat jump out of the bushes. In front of the cat was a mouse that desperately did not want to be dinner.

Anyway, here are some cellphone snaps of the hawk. Of all times, not to have my camera…