Author Archives: johnozed

About johnozed

I'm 50+ years old, 210-ish#, 6'2", reddish blonde, blue eyes with glasses (and without) masculine, funny, relatively intelligent, enjoy the company of assorted friends and family especially sordid friends and family. I love music, reading, writing, conversing, laughing, going to films, shows, concerts and smoking cigars. And I also enjoy looking nice in a suit and tie. Looking more like Lewis Lapham than Tom Wolfe. I'm sure there is more, but we'll just have to find out when I write about it. In a lifetime relationship with partner Bill Vila.

I Love You Bill Vila

Another day in Hoboken. Plenty of parking to be had and not much of a reason to write, except to write those 500 words and be done with it. I am still in a bit of a funk and I guess I will work my own way out of it eventually. I was pretty tired yesterday and had a nice nap in the late afternoon. And I had a dream where I had woken up from the nap and opened the door while holding the guitar as Bill walked in. Of course that didn’t happen. Bill didn’t come home until a few hours later, having had a lesson with his voice teacher in preparation for the singing of the national anthem and another song during the seventh inning stretch.

That is happening tonight at the baseball stadium of the Staten Island Yankees which is supposed to be close to the ferry terminal. I am fairly ambivalent to the whole thing. Of course seeing Bill sing is always a thrill. The national anthem takes about one minute and thirty seconds to sing. The other song, written by Irving Berlin more than likely takes about two minutes and hopefully thirty seconds to sing. It’s not one of my favorite songs and hopefully once that song is completed we can head back home.

There was a plan to see my brother Frank at Maxwells. He is going to see the dB’s and I would be going to see him, but since I am feeling the way I am feeling I would much rather just go home than do anything that involves going out. Plus as much as I like the dB’s on their records, I find them live to be rather dull. They’re all competent musicians but live there is something lacking. Of course I’ve had hit or miss experiences when going to see the dB’s which my brother brought up when we spoke the other day on the phone.

As usual writing helps me out despite my dislike of writing. To quote Dorothy Parker: “I hate having to write but love having written”. That sums it up for me basically. Last night Bill and I watched the Sound of Music. He had never seen it before from start to finish (and technically he still hasn’t since he walked in on the first half hour) and he loved it and kept thanking me for showing it to him. I enjoyed it myself but still it didn’t lift me out of my funk. Perhaps it would take something other than a movie that is almost as old as I am.

I went to bed before Bill and did not sleep that well at all. Lots of tossing and turning and not much rest in that. I could have used a few more hours but I was up before Bill and when I went out he was still asleep. And now it’s going on almost three hours with no contact from Bill. Perhaps he is still asleep. I did turn the volume up on the phone so if he decides to call I will hear it. But if he doesn’t and heads to the Staten Island Yankees game without me, well then I am off the hook and able to do nothing whatsoever which of course, is more than fine with me.

Sleep seems like the proper option which I hope to do the first chance I get, the sooner the better.

I Must Have Lost It On The Wind

Not a good day at all. In fact it basically started last night. Bill was on his way home and I made plans to meet him at the Path train. I also had tentative plans to see a friend do an acoustic set here in Hoboken and when I asked another friend if they were going, they said no. So I didn’t feel like going by myself plus this friend told me that lately all these people doing short acoustic sets around town have been playing some really depressing songs. I didn’t want to hear that so I just killed time at home.

My niece and I texted about going down the shore today and her itinerary involved being on the beach between 9 and 10 this morning. That meant I would have to get up early, catch a train with a beach chair and an umbrella and be out in Bergen County by 7:30. I wasn’t into it and told her that it was too early for me, but to have a good time. With that being taken care of I put it out of my mind and practiced my guitar a bit before heading out to the Path station.

It was a beautiful night with a beautiful moon and I enjoyed a cigar taking some lunar snapshots as I walked towards the Path train. Of course I was early and sat on a bench by the station steps and just waited with a few other folk. A couple of trains deposited people and eventually Bill made his appearance. I walked over and gave him a kiss and a hug and we walked along River Street towards home. Bill was full of details about his trip. This cousin, that aunt, his uncle, their kid, which of course was to be expected.

And also every little detail about the flight, the seat he sat in as well as the train trip and the near dilemma he had with his ticket on his smartphone which was rapidly losing power. When I heard him about to go off on a tangent I did my best to steer the conversation back to where it should be going rather than a discussion on the most minute details. Of course I had things to say but I wasn’t going to have my chance to say them, at least not while walking down the street.

After all my day was almost comical with the key dilemma. I got my chance to tell Bill about my day as we were walking through the apartment door. The GOP convention was on and that was stressing me out somewhat and I was curious to find out what happened when Clint Eastwood took the podium. We came home and Willard Romney was making his speech with quite an unenthusiastic audience. I knew I could find the Eastwood story online so that was no big deal.

Bill had settled in as we watched and we were both glad it was over since we wanted to watch the 11:00 news. Then came the Facebook messages. A message about why wasn’t I going to the beach with my niece and her husband. My answer was not satisfactory and the pressure was on. I explained that it was too early and read that there was no such thing as being too early. At 11:45 I was too stressed and took a Xanax since I knew if I didn’t I would more than likely be dwelling on the fact that I wasn’t going down the shore even though I had reconciled myself to the fact that I wasn’t going hours earlier.

Bill went to bed and all I had was a bad feeling and the Xanax was not working fast enough. It did kick in and soon I was fast asleep in bed. I barely remember Bill saying goodbye as he went to work this morning and as bad as I felt last night, I felt even worse this morning. The depression has lasted all day. Not because I wasn’t going down the shore, but the undue pressure that was applied to me last night. I know they meant well, but I was resigned to the fact that I was not going and the attempt of being pressured into it was not helping.

Chaz came by once again this morning with a bagel and more photos to scan. I decided to put them under his Facebook page rather than mine since they are his pictures and I’m not in most of them. It was the smart thing to do. I can’t say I was good company though and Chaz headed out about 90 minutes later. I ate my bagel and headed out to go busking. And busking was a bust. I was not into it at all, not feeling very outgoing and more than likely scowling as I strummed. After about 45 minutes I was done and headed back home.

I didn’t want to have anything to do with people at all, and that included Facebook which I am not on today. No pics, no posts, no sharing of memes and photos and whatever. And now that I am done with this entry, I am done for the day. No plans until tomorrow and that is more than fine with me. The ringer on my phone is off so if anyone calls me, I won’t hear it. I just want to be left alone and have this day put to rest as soon as possible.