Monthly Archives: April 2008

The Bitch is Back

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Oh what a crappy day. Weather wise it’s not so good either. Mainly all the turmoil is internal. Can’t seem to get a haircut and I need one. Just don’t feel like waiting in the barbershop on the corner. I’ve walked by a few times today and there are guys waiting for haircuts, and someone is always in my barber Tony’s chair. So I walk on by. It’s a Dionne Warwick kind of day. The high point of the day was this morning seeing Julio and Stine for a few minutes. Nice little chat, Stine’s ready to have the baby, just a few more days. Wednesday is the due date. She’s uncomfortable with the baby kicking her internal organs. That’s gotta suck.

After that, a nice breakfast for me and time to think about what to do. Bill called and professed his love for me which was nice. But as nice as it is, I’m getting tired of the way our relationship is going. Almost flat lining. I haven’t seen him in a couple of weeks, though he has been here, in the apartment when I’m not. He left work once or twice to come here and take a nap, gone my the time I came home. And it’s not just that I hardly ever see him anymore. At least to me it does. How Bill feels about it, I couldn’t tell you.

I have had so much time to myself, that I can focus only on what is missing from my life. A lover is missing, that’s for sure. Human contact would be nice, someone to make love to and then cuddle with afterwards. It’s been years since that happened. I’ve thought about seeing a shrink, but I only want to talk about the matter at hand and they want a long commitment, which I am not willing to commit to. Once again I headed into the city to check out some art galleries. That seems to be the thing that I do lately. Bill asked me to call him if I went into the city so I did.

He told me that he was almost through with his voice class, then he was headed up to Washington Heights to see his friends and talk. They have a therapy like thing happening up there. Then he was off to the play he is stage managing at the Theater for the New City. He offered to meet me before tonight’s show, but as ‘appealing’ as that sounded it seemed highly unlikely. It would require me killing some more time just to see him for a few minutes and I just didn’t feel like doing that. It wouldn’t do me any good, since I’m not feeling that good about it. He wouldn’t be in the right frame of mind to listen to me talk about all the things I am writing here. He’s done it to me before, but I won’t do it to him. Unload a bunch of grief before having to do something else.

The Chelsea galleries were a disappointment. Same crappy art from a few weeks ago and I couldn’t find the gallery where the Fluxus show was which may have been the whole point of a Fluxus show. My attitude is presently, ‘fuck it’. I’ve cleaned house in some ways, deleted Facebook contacts that I don’t know, having never met them at all, friends of ‘friends’ and guys that think I was hot. No more, they are gone. More than likely they’ll never know and I won’t be getting any more stupid invites from them, to buy and sell people or some other crap nonsense like that. I changed the status of my relationship on Facebook and noticed that Bill has done the same. restored it actually.

I am happy to be back in the apartment, not dealing with anyone. The streets are rife with people pushing baby strollers, groups of people walking en masse on the street, not moving out of the way. Just tired of it all. Not suffering fools gladly or sadly.

After writing that I went out and finally got a hair cut. Tony did a good job. Mainly I go to Tony since he trims my goatee as well, trims it down nicely and cuts out a lot of gray hairs. Then I went to Empire Coffee to get my free pound of coffee. I used to get Goya or El Pico but I’ve been buying coffee for the office and with every ten pounds you get a free pound. It went well.

Unloaded my grief onto Annemarie via a phone call. She of course was as understanding as usual. Probably saw where this was headed before I did. Where am I in this relationship? Where is this relationship going? Is it a ‘proper’ relationship? What is a ‘proper’ relationship anyway? I do love him.

street level

waiting for a dance partner

Chelsea blossoms

a wooden bicycle

fellow travelers

Outside my window

It Mek

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We are not in the business of minding our own business. That’s how it was told to me all those years ago. Now I come to find that the whole concept, the whole idea is coming true. All commitments have fallen by the wayside. I cannot say stop it and I cannot say shut up. It’s all out of my hands. All I can do is look back, not in anger but in an element of surprise, a surfeit of anxiety. A well spoken indifference is what got me through most bad situations.

Not that I can afford all the paperwork. And those investments never got me where I wanted to be. No fidelity in my finances anymore. I think my money is seeing other people, much to my relief. I depend on my eyes, to get me through various transitions that occur. I share my commitment and satisfaction with the doctor. He’d rather walk anyway. Despite having asthma for over 40 years, and the doctor is only 30. There is always a chance of asthma related death but the doctor has been known to live life on the edge. His first prescription was free and that’s how he got hooked, I heard.

It was on the Nightly classroom news. That’s what the Green brothers told me. Nice family. A bit dairy oriented, and that’s no lie. Big money in cow shit. It was in the past then. No more biting off more than they could chew. Waste into methane is where the action is. It’s a gas gas gas. What’s left after the community gets wind of this? Turned up noses and turned down turnips. Make a wish. The only responsibility they felt was to the cows. The cows ruled their lives. It all got a little out of control.

Still the rain fell on both the good and on the evil. It was forecast in the Farmer’s Almanac, conveniently located in most modern outhouses. No one really watched where they were walking, causing a lot of confusion, contusions and bruises. Whatever used to work to relieve stress stopped working the other day. Reliability is for suckers. Let the healing begin. Onward Christian soldiers. Tora Tora Tora.

Show the world how phenomenal you can be. You can barely feel the blade pressed against your neck. Being the best a man could get or be. Stay away from that odor they said. Just stay away if you know what’s good for you. Unfortunately I never know what’s good for me and that could lead to anguish or heartbreak. Either you’re in or you’re out. It’s up to you. Entirely up to you. I want to know immediately what’s going on.

Slick and slimy, greasy and grimy. Do you like scratchin’? I understand, you can’t stay. The funny thing is…well, that’s the sad part. The sad part? Well, that’s the funny thing. I thought we were supposed to meet there, but instead you were here and I left confused. Please don’t do that again.