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I Don’t Know Why (I Love You)

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En bunden af ​​tønde slags dage. Bogstaveligt talt jeg følte lyst til at græde på et tidspunkt! But enough of all that. Things did get better a little bit but hardly enough. A headache and the weather did not help matters much.

I did see Stine this morning. It was the first time since July and she was looking good. Of course Alexander wasn’t with her, he’s been in preschool lately. The tales she told of him were of course pretty funny. ‘No you can’t eat a fudge brownie in my bed’ ‘Mommy you are making me so unhappy’.

Of course that would sound hilarious from the mouth of a three and a half year old, it doesn’t really translate well onto paper, or in this case, a computer screen. The bus ride was uneventful, met up with neighbor Deborah who was singing the temp blues and is looking to get out of the situation she finds herself in.

She helped organize a Broadway show for autistic children and it was a rousing success. Who knew autistic children would connect so much with Equus? But she is not receiving the proper credit for it and so she starts to read the writing on the wall. She has some irons in the fire so hopefully that will work out for her.

At work it was Bradley and Thomas and myself. It was Bradley’s birthday today so he was in a good mood. He is off tomorrow and to put it in his words, he will be ‘trolling for pussy’. No plans for drinks after work with Bradley. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of his trolling.

I hope when I get home the transfer of my photos and music from the old computer, now stored on Rand’s portable hard drive. Rand needs the hard drive back so I think I will be going home and getting the hard drive and walking it to Rands.

Even if the transfer is incomplete I will have to give it back nonetheless. I though I had transferred most of it earlier but I didn’t finish it. It’s my own fault and all I can say is ‘oh well’. I can up for it anyhow some way.

Now it’s just Thomas and myself and it’s not so bad. Not much is going on and things have slowed down considerably in the realm of the cigar shack. Not much contact with the outside world which is just as well since the last time I went outside it was raining. That is what upset me so.

I was looking forward to going outside for my lunch break but it was very wet outside. Rain and drizzle falling sideways and an encounter with a bird did not help matters much either. I sequestered myself in the closet like office and read Bob Mould’s autobiography which was somewhat entertaining.

I have to finish it by October 19 since another gay punk rocker wants to read it and it’s quite new according to the BCCLS system. Well I came home, climbed the four flights, changed from my suit & tie to street wear, grabbed the hard drive and was out on the street again while Bill was fast asleep. I met up with Rand on Washington Street and made the hand off, telling him to put it in his pocket, it would look like he’s carrying a friend. ‘Cause these guys don’t dance and word is out this our last chance.

I walked Rand home. He’s busy with the ComiCon going on this weekend. He’s working on behalf of the Jack Kirby Museum and on Saturday he is hosting a party/opening at Maxwells, called Kirby Enthusiasm. It’s the reason I took off on Saturday so I could attend and support Rand.

Død over den dovne sutten!


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I’m going to do something different. I could be doing it for a day or two or I could very well continue doing it forever. There is no end date in sight you see. Once again, I’m tired. Not of writing. Unfortunately it’s one of the few things I do well.

Other things I do well is self censorship. Keeping my true thoughts and feelings hidden. So I might not be doing that. No, for now, for today, I am only writing this for 2 people, Annemarie & Harpy.

They can do what they want with this. Delete it, spam it, or even repost it somewhere else. It’s up to them. I don’t really care. Just writing at least 500 words to keep up my end of the bargain. I’ve written 1,463 entries since October 2005. All with the promise to myself that I will write at least 500 words.

I’m not breaking that promise.

Harpy, one of the recipients might have a clue as to why I’m not posting anymore. That is, I told him last night why I was thinking about not posting anymore. Whether or not he remembers, is not my concern.

I’m feeling despondent today. Professionally and creatively. Professionally you will understand with me being unemployed. Creatively stems from what I wrote the other day.

Thinking I might get some words of encouragement and support from the 5 subscribers (who never, ever comment and probably do not read those things that I posted), or from people who have told me they read what I write every day.

That would include some family members, mainly my brother Brian and his wife Karen. I understand they have their own dramas going on, dramas that are probably more important than me feeling sorry for myself. My brother Frank did call, surprising me and telling me that he had read the previous entry, but not in so many words.

And it’s obvious that without the support and encouragement that I actually hoped for, I was able to do whatever it was I had to do. Which was to go on a interview.

The interview went well. I was comfortable but that could be from the Xanax that I took yesterday morning.

I’m sure Bill doesn’t read this forsaken blog, but he is supportive in real life. He helped me out yesterday, revamping the resume, and editing things down. I had a really good feeling about this job, despite my trepidation.

After a few edits working with Bill and the counselor I met with I hoped for the best. That was probably a mistake, getting my hopes up.

This morning while taking a shower, I heard my cellphone ring. After I dried myself off I checked the message. It was the counselor asking me to call her back which I did immediately.

She said the company had my resume and would I be available to meet with them either today or tomorrow. I said today since I had such a good feeling about it.

I did not expect a call back about 5 minutes later, the counselor saying that the company has decided to forgo the whole process that was set up and they were not seeing anyone after all.

So it’s been one of those days.

But it was also one of those days that I actually used common sense and didn’t do something that I was going to do. It might have actually made me feel better but ultimately it was foolish.

So I stayed home.