Tag Archives: Lodi

Words

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I wrote this last night after I posted.

I was just reading a blog that mentioned a young gay entrepreneur in Manchester, England. This young man was able to secure a business grant at the age of 18 to run and maintain a website designed to break down walls and remove labels on race, sexuality for young people. He mentioned that his sexuality caused him major problems, being brought up to think that being gay was wrong and horrible. That struck a chord in me, and a righteous chord at that. I too, like many others, grew up in a house with a loving family. Some people don’t, I know. But included in that loving atmosphere, however dented, was an very strong anti gay vibe.

Queer jokes, gay bashing (verbally) went on. Racial jokes were made as well. I too was brought up by my family and my Catholic schooling taught that being gay was the absolute worst thing a person could be. So imagine finding out on your own, that you are what you were told was disgusting and immoral. Imagine finding that out at 14. No one to talk to about. Run to the encyclopedia, run to the dictionary and reading that you’re abnormal, a deviant. A lot, not all, but a lot of heterosexual people ask, ‘why make it a big deal about being gay?’

Because it will show that things we were told about ourselves when we were growing up was wrong. Sometimes murderously wrong, sometimes suicidally wrong. Education could be the solution to this epidemic of ignorance, but then you have certain sections of this country dead set against any positive portrayals of gay life. Or it goes so far as to not mention gay people at all. In a society that’s ever changing, it’s not changing fast enough. And it’s not just this country, it’s the whole world.

About 15 years ago when I was working at Skyline Studios, there was this young man, Roget Romain who had a deal to do some downtime production work. He worked with some up and coming artists in hip hop. It was a cool studio and a lot of times I would hang out after I was through working. One night I was with Roget and my friend Miriam who was working as an engineer. We were getting jazzy. I was as I am now, open about my sexuality, but not in your face about it. The three of us, hanging out, listing to dub.

Roget wanted to ask me a question about being gay. I was open to it and gave him a green light. First off, the main question, ‘When did I decide to be gay?’ I think it was the first time I was actually asked that, and I had no set answer. Me, being me did say this, ‘When did you decide to be straight?’ He was taken aback. ‘I didn’t decide to be straight. It just happened. It’s how I am.’ I had to ask, ‘What makes you think it wasn’t the same for me?’ I think most questions about gay people, can usually be answered by changing the gender of one of the subjects.

Roget then moved into sexuality. ‘How can a guy take it up the ass? How can a dude suck a cock?’ I asked him ‘Do all the women that he’s been with, do they all like to suck cock? Do they take it through the back door?’ ‘No, some do, some don’t.’ ‘Well there you have it. Not all gay guys like to do this, some do, some don’t.’ It was fun to just hang out with an open minded young man, maybe I planted a seed in his brain. Cracked open his door of perception just a bit I like to think. There is no shame in being gay, lesbian bisexual or transgendered. Some people see it as a frivolous lifestyle choice.

There are many good and great things about being LGBT, but there are some battles that come along with it. Some kids when they come out to their families, they are out on the street. Abandoned by parents who’s child they loved one day unconditionally, now repulsed and shamed by something that was out of anyone’s control. They would prefer to live the life of a lie. In the closet. Get married, have kids, and fuck around on the side.

About 12 years ago I answered an ad in the Village Voice, met an older guy at a bar in the Village. We didn’t click sexually but had a good chat over a few pints. He was married, hadn’t had sex with his wife since 1980, has three kids, all grown more or less. He was gay. For some reason I was filled with righteousness that night, telling him that he’s getting up there in years, living a lie. Do you want to go out the same way? You’re doing more harm than good to yourself by living this way, a shamed existence, shamed by yourself.

We parted ways, and I gave him a kiss as he was about to get on his way to Penn Station. He was surprised and probably the first time he was ever kissed by another man in public, on a street corner. I gave him my number and asked him to keep in touch. He called a few days later. He told his wife, she was filing for divorce. Two of his kids were fine with it, one had a problem. But he was glad he did it.

He felt free.

I’m just so tired that people need to be told this. I know the five of you that read this irregularly are somewhat enlightened but I just wanted to get this off my chest. Preaching to the choir, perhaps. But I guess it has to be told, over and over, one way or another. And while you may be enlightened, the majority of the five of you aren’t LGBT (at least as far as I know) and you wouldn’t really know, you couldn’t walk in our cha cha heels. Like I wouldn’t know how it is to be anything or anyone else, other than knowing how it is to be me.

Let It Shine

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Well it’s Wednesday and it was a bloody wet Wednesday at that. Woke up to Help Me Rhonda by the Beach Boys. I sort of gave up on the new wave old rock station. I can depend on WCBS to give me something recognizable and if not that, then Mr. G’s weather forecasts will get me out of bed fast enough. This morning was water water water. Last night was snow, freezing rain. It was a mess this morning, that’s for sure. I wound up walking in the street since they were clearer than the sidewalks and I didn’t want to land on my tuchis like I had on past winter mornings. The bus stop was crowded with people which meant the buses were running late.

I didn’t mind, the bus pulled up in front of me and I jumped on, settled in and read the New Yorker, about a murder in Poland which resembled a murder mystery written by a Polish intellectual. It’s interesting enough but eventually I had to get off the bus and head to the office. The office was empty again, no one in. Long distance commuters working from home, less interaction meant more time for myself and my work and time to get anxious about my dental appointment tonight. I felt like I was a dead man walking.

I knew my teeth were in rotten shape but not so bad. I was worried since my brother Frank had a stroke due to a dental infection, and my smoking could not have helped matters. Yes I plan on giving up the fags this year, and by fags I mean cigarettes. The occasional cigar should be ok, but the cigarettes are going to have to go. And now that I have put that in writing I guess I’m going to have to do it. I walked down to NYU Dental School after work, smoke free though it was stressful enough to warrant a smoke. Almost got run over by a Hampton Jitney bis and all I was doing was standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

I got to the school, sat down and started filling out forms. SO far so good. A woman who worked there offered to help me with the paperwork so I said sure. I went with her and we sat at her tiny desk, and showed her my passport and a PSE&G bill. She looked at what I wrote on the forms and her head was moving side to side. I thought I had done something or written something wrong, but as I watched her it appeared that she had a mild case of Parkinson’s disease, causing her head to move in the side to side direction. That was a relief to me and we were done in no time flat.

I sat down waiting to be called and the same woman walked up to a few other people offering to help them out with their paperwork. They all said no, one said like a snot, ‘I don’t need your help filling out paperwork.’ Really mean. So the woman who helped me went back to her desk alone to do whatever else she had to do. It was strange, she got me through the paperwork in no time, while the other people she offered to help struggled with answers they really had to think about, like what day it was. It was basically an intake and they’re going to start me off with periodontics since my teeth are rotten. I have to call up and make an appointment tomorrow and start the long road to dental recovery.

The periodontics school is open from 9:00 to 5:00.

I’m calling at 8:59.

Hello to Francisco Xavier Venegas Ramírez, Santo Munafo, Jim Carley and John Nesselt.