Tag Archives: February 15 2003

I Can Transform

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Well my hope was delivered. The fourth of July is over and now we are in the fifth of July. Things did not improve really, just more people that are miserable. I myself am quite despondent.

Went to bed that way and woke up that way. Actually woke up a little bit pissed off since Bill decided to kiss me good bye for the morning since he was off to take his mother to the doctor. While kissing me good bye he decided to tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful he thought I was.

I can barely contain my resentment for being woken up an hour before I needed to. But hey, it’s not like I can get a good night’s sleep. I didn’t last night. So I woke up depressed.

And I keep sinking deeper into despair, and it could be from looking for a better job for the past 2 years to no avail. Or it could be from working 5 days in a row, 10 hour shifts, except for yesterday where I only had to work an 8 hour shift, a federal holiday concession.

Bill stopped by to see me at work and it helped matters though I am wallowing and conscious of it. Last night we did not go see the fireworks. We heard them, sounded like being in Beirut in the 1980’s, Bill asked if I wanted to go and I said no, I didn’t. I didn’t want to be around people and I certainly did not want to partake in whatever it was that people are doing.

We sat and watched Law & Order while the explosions shook the area around us. I started to feel somewhat better after an hour of the Batman movie from 1966. Bill had never seen it before and so it was all new to him. I used to own it on VHS when VHS was the way to go. Lately for me VHS is the way to collect dust.

Now I am home. Bill stopped by the cigar shack, to offer support. It was good to see him. He finally met Thomas, and as usual the Bradley was indifferent. Thomas mentioned that he was happy to have finally met Bill, the Bradley probably was upset that there is no one around that loves him the way Thomas and his fiancé get along or the way Bill and I get along. A snort of Xanax will probably do him well since it usually does.

After the Bradley left for the day, Thomas and I had a good heart to heart about relationships and communication. The day was winding down, my 5 day shifts on my feet were coming to a close. I did ask Calvin months ago to not schedule me for 5 days in a row and he was good about it, but since he’s on vacation and I am taking a few days off in a few days, amends had to be made and so I worked for 5 days in a row.

Off tomorrow which is nice, going to be busy, doing as much as I could in one day that most people can do on weekends.

While I am off from work, I am beginning to think that I won’t be posting for those days. Take some time off from this. I’ve written over 2000 entries and a break would be nice.


More Today Than Yesterday

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Hump day hump day hump day. That means it’s Wednesday. No one is impressed. Work was weird today. Caught a slight panic bug from the sole analyst, Esteban. He was one of the Three Stooges but now there is only Esteban. He’s getting married in a week or two. I’m thankfully not invited. Couldn’t afford a gift you see.

The stock market is not too well at all and that is bound to affect the company somehow. I’m staying until the end I think unless they decide to get rid of me too, but thanks to their ineptitude it doesn’t seem likely. So he was panicked and that got to me. You can see the fear and loathing n the faces of many business people in the area and it’s probably a lot worse downtown by Wall Street.

Whatever happens to the big players like AIG, Merrill Lynch and Lehman Brothers (and soon Washington Mutual) will eventually have a ripple effect on my little five person firm. On top of that there is the election where McCrazy and Pallid and just tossing out lies, not really getting into the issues since they really have no leg to stand on in that regard.

I spent sometime with my sock puppet arguing with wrong wing sycophants on a Daily News discussion board which did not help my frame of mind. I knew it would be like this last year and despite my knowing, still I throw myself into the mess. Just now a commercial for McCrazy who claims he’ll be able to turn this economic crisis around, even though his ‘former’ advisor Phil Gramm is one of the architects of this fiasco and despite the fact that McCrazy stated himself that he really doesn’t know much about economics.

How anyone could listen to this idiot and take him seriously is definitely lost on me. Surprisingly a lot of people do. And then there are the ones who will never ever vote for a black man, no matter what. Juan reminded me of that. Living in the tri-state metropolitan area the majority of people I am in contact with are somewhat like minded and it’s easy to forget that there are a lot of people between coasts that do not think like me.

So there is the fear that November 4 might not be as good as I had hoped. I learned that lesson in the last presidential election. That awful sinking feeling as I watched the results come in. Now Obama is much more charismatic that Kerry and a hundred times as inspirational, but that might just fall by the wayside.

I know in my 46 years of being here I might not have seen much but in the past 8 years I think I have seen enough. Last night I was telling Brenda about how Bill and I took to the streets 5 years ago to protest the impending war. Millions around the world did the same that February day but we were ignored since Bush Co. was going to do whatever the hell it wanted to do, which killed whatever empathy and support existed following the attacks on September 11.

Now five years later things are even worse, making those days before the war seem somewhat golden in retrospect. McCrazy plans on bringing Pallid to the United Nations so the huntress could finally meet foreign heads of state. There are so many things piling up against Pallid, her lies, her drunken power etc, how can this be ignored? By the wrong wing attacking Obama’s character since they can’t go on issues. But I’ve already said that.

America- what a country!