Category Archives: STFU

I Heard It Through The Grapevine Gladys Knight and The Pips

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Oh what a long strange day it’s been. It started out earlier than usual, with Bill kissing me goodbye in the morning around 6:30. He’s so sweet and gentle and I am just a wolf in bed. An hour later I got out of bed and got myself together. Not enough milk for cereal so it was just coffee and I was out the door.

I do not like the crowds at all and when it is so early in the morning I like them even less. One good thing is the fact that there are a lot more buses and the bus lane is open so I was at the bus terminal in no time at all. It did give me enough time to get an egg sandwich which was not as good as it is on weekends.

Each time I go in there they seem to be trying out a new short order cook. I can’t complain though since the egg sandwich was 25 cents cheaper than it usually is.

I got to the cigar shack which was dark and that meant that Zack wasn’t in yet. I started work almost immediately on getting the cigars back on the shelves now that the painters are done with their work. They did a good job though. Zack did make it in and the two of us were able to get most of the cigars back on the shelves, leaving the rest for myself, Thomas and Bradley to restock the shelves.

And Thomas and Bradley did come in, leaving Bradley to tell me that he wanted Thomas and me to do the rest of the work. We got it done, thanks to some regular customers. I had to run an errand at lunch time which coincided with an errand that needed to be done for the cigar shack.

Some keys needed to be made, and there seemed to be only one locksmith in Manhattan who would be able to do the job. Very special keys that are made in Germany. So I was able to do that, get my own errand done and I came back from lunch about 20 minutes later than usual, but it was excusable since it was cigar shack business.

I came back from lunch, Thomas was then headed to his lunch while Zack and Bradley were sequestered in the office having a very long meeting. The meeting it turned out was about a whole new bunch of rules which was sent out a short time before I was leaving and I was too busy giving Jerry Vale my sales since I achieved my own personal goal.

And I will not read the rules until Monday since I am off both Saturday and Sunday. No I do not do work related things on my time. You’re gonna have to pay me to do such things.

I asked Zack if I could leave at 7:00 instead of 7:30 and when he asked why, all I could say was my body clock is screwed up. It wasn’t good enough of an excuse so I stayed for a very long half hour, giving more sales to Jerry Vale. And right before I left there was Thomas getting a very serious call which made the atmosphere even more bleak than it was earlier.

He needs me to switch a day in April so he could attend some family thing. The catch was I would have to work a five day shift which is killer and no one wants to work a five day shift. I’m sure if I was able to sit in an office most of the day it would be no problem, but I am on my feet for 9 hours a day, so that would make it 45 hours of standing around selling cigars and whatnot.

Still, it is over, I am home and surprised I was able to write this much. Time to chill. Bill is driving to Atlantic City tonight and tomorrow, but at least I will be able to see him tomorrow morning at my leisure and not so wolf like.





01 Feeling Good

I Could Be Happy (Again)

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The oh so unhappy syphilitic life of Phillip Andorr began when he was raised in a box next to a garbage can of medical waste. His smother was next to a lamppost and may have been impregnated when an overzealous dog chased a rabbit which turned out to be his father who was the understudy in a Fenway production of Harvey.

Phillip was a Red Sox fan and only by the decree of the most holy roamin’ apostolic church of idiocy was he spared the child and spoiled a rod. Phillip was an unhappy lad, not liked by anyone at all which made for an extremely bitter life overall.

No sweetness for Phillip Andorr, all sour and scorn for him. A truly nasty beast which haunted most of Long Island. It couldn’t have been easy but then again, being a Red Sox fan more than likely helped with his disconsolate lifestyle.

A teenager with sticky fingers Phillip found himself banned from both strip malls and strip clubs. His misogynistic tendencies did not help in either location and when he figured out what it was that was causing his routine absence of sense it only amped up his disquiet.

Phillip barked like a mad dog at passing cars whenever possible and it was then and there that he found redemption or at least what passed for redemption but Phillip actually figured out what it was that was bothering him. It was himself.

He looked into the reflection of a hub cap when he was laying in the gutter and wondered why life had dealt him such a lousy hand. That was my attempt at getting back at a true wanker who was a horrible customer that I had to deal with. Drivel and nonsense and fun to write.

I know I know, you’re thinking ‘John Ozed, is this one of your lousy attitude flip outs?’ And it isn’t, though of course you have every right to think so. You have every right to think about whatever it is you might want to think about. But for this I have back up.

Bradley witnessed the whole event and would back me if asked. And it was caught entirely on camera, which by the way added a lot more than 10 pounds to Phillip Andorr’s expanding frame. As I walked Phillip Andorr into the room he felt like I was watching him to make sure he wasn’t shoplifting. Now the only person who might think that would be a shoplifter, but still I gave him a doubtful benefit.

I tried to explain why I was there but Phillip Andorr was adamant that I was being too vigilant with regards to the criminal escapades in his dark and dank mind. Bradley heard this and offered to help but realized that there was no helping this loose loser. He flamboyantly showed Bradley and myself what he got and Bradley thought it best to let him wait a few seconds so he can cool off.

I took Bradley’s advice and there was Phillip Andorr so upset, as if an Ulster man ran over his turtle. I did my best to get this cancer out of the store as soon as possible and Phillip Andorr helped by calling me ‘Sweetie’ and I am sure he didn’t mean it as a term of endearment since discharge like Phillip Andorr wouldn’t know a term of endearment if it bit him in the face (and it certainly looked like that happened). But Phillip Andorr is out of my life and hopefully it will have nothing to do with your life.

That’s the way it goes I suppose. I should have been a proctologist, what with all the assholes that have been crossing my path the past months. With Lazy Teat Greg still reading this blog every day, followed by Miss Shack Thing and now in the flesh and blood, Phillip Andorr.

Can it get any better? Can they get any more bitter? Probably.