Category Archives: Mood Mambo

The Hangover Strikes

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Well here we are, the first day of Winter. I came home last night before Bill, leaving him at the game so I could start the blog and uploading the video which was a chore.

The initial attempt rendered the video split in two. I attempted to rejoin them but there was a drop out of a second or so. So I decided to tack on the sound check but still I wasn’t satisfied.

Midway through Bill made it home, the Knicks won leaving us to believe that Bill was their good luck charm. We stayed up and watched some TV while I continued working on the video.

I was finally able to get the video up in one piece which was a relief. The only problem was that I was only able to shoot the video between the heads of two guys on the basketball court. Still it was a good performance by Bill.

Something different than the previous times when Bill sang the National Anthem before the NY Liberty games. The set up for those games were a lot different and there was no Steve Schirippa or Spike Lee to be seen. Schirippa is not as heavy as he was when he played Bobby Bacala on The Sopranos, he must have dropped 100 pounds or so.

I went to bed once I figured it all out with the video. Bill had a doctor’s appointment so he was sleeping in a little later than usual. I of course stayed in bed groggy. Didn’t sleep as late as I had been and was up before 9:00.

I had a hangover but it wasn’t from drinking, it was more from familial frustration and also resentment on the lack of job front. I’ve been searching all hours of the day, after midnight whenever seems right.

Nothing is happening and I wasn’t expecting anything to happen despite the New York Times saying that looking for a job during the holiday season is the smart thing to do since employers are generally in a good mood.

Of course I have to wonder if the recently laid off employees of the New York Times took comfort in that tidbit.

I was generally cranky and went about my daily routines. Coffee, cereal, shower and sit in front of the computer. Most of the day I was irate.

Made it to the post office to drop off a package to send to Annemarie in California. The line was long and I left my iPod home so I had to listen to various people complaining about how long the line was. What did they expect? It’s the last days before Christmas for goodness sake.

I saw Bill Ryan at the window but he didn’t see me so I didn’t say hello or anything like that. Nothing against Bill Ryan, but like I said I was irate.

I walked around a bit, tried to enjoy a cigar but it was too windy and didn’t light it properly. Just came home from all that, nothing worth taking pictures of.

After surfing around for a little while I decided to take a nap which was nice.

A winter’s nap, the first of the season seemed to dispel whatever it was that was bugging me. Woke up hungry and finished off the penne pesto and chicken that I set aside for Bill yesterday.

Decided to make more for the rest of the week. I enjoy it, and chicken has been on sale lately. I’m not complaining and neither should you since you’re not eating it, I am.

Now I’m doing laundry.

Juan called earlier in the day, he’s coming up to this neck of the woods. I was fairly distant on the phone, explaining that I was somewhat depressed and I was. I told him he could stop by but chances are I wouldn’t be good company.

Now I think I would be good company but if he doesn’t show up, that’s fine. If he does show up, I would hope he doesn’t show up with one arm longer than the other. It doesn’t have to be anything big, something that could be concealed in a cigarette pack would suffice.

I love this song. Anyone know where I could find it? It’s by lene Lovich’ former backing band, fronted by Jimme O’Neill, Fingerprintz, Wet Job. A WPIX-FM classic which makes it 30 years old….

Hymn of the Big Wheel

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Well today is a better day. It’s because I took a Xanax. Now some people frown upon the fact that I occasionally take a Xanax, but then again those people haven’t set foot in my size 12’s.

And what those people think actually has an effect on me taking some medication to feel better. Today I decided to ignore their opinions, worries and fears and it’s not a surprise that I actually feel better.

It’s my choice and I try not to judge what other people do in their lives or what they might do to make them happy, but I can safely say over the past few days I’ve never felt as despondent as I have. I appreciate their worry and concern but I do have to look out for myself first.

And I’m glad that I did.

Whether or not they’re glad about the reason I’m feeling better is something that I obviously cannot be concerned about. And it’s not like I take a Xanax every day, maybe one every two weeks at best.

Last night was a roller coaster of emotion for me. Bill came home after having deep tissue massage on his knees and we chatted a bit. At one point I decided to open myself up and actually tell him what was going on in my mind.

I told him how depressed I was and said a few other things, open ended stuff, hoping for some sort of feedback. I never got it. So my last statement on that matter was ‘this was my attempt to open up and talk about what is going on with me.’

That seemed to have gone unheard.

It hurt and reminded me of my Arcade Fire meltdown with my brother Frank. I was losing it and needed to talk to Frank about it, but he wasn’t having it, thinking I was baiting him for an argument. I am a firm believer in talking things out, but if there is no one responding to what I am talking about, it is basically useless.

Sure there are a few friends I can call, but even then I go unheard and wind up listening to everything they have to say about themselves with little or no input on my end. I generally would like to talk about what is going on with me.

If I believed in therapy for myself that would be the way to go, but since I don’t, it is not the way for me. Anyone else gets something out of therapy is fine, but for me it requires too much of a commitment that I am willing to make.

I was fairly distant with Bill most of the night. We watched all the comedy shows on NBC. Community was funny, Parks and Recreation not so much. The Office was OK as was 30 Rock, but those could be attributed to my lousy mood.

Bill went to bed soon after that and gave me a hug which was when he noticed that I wasn’t doing so well. I then explained what was going on, how I said I was so depressed and needed to hear some feedback from him and that since I didn’t I shut down and realized that whatever I was feeling, I would have to work through it on my own.

And perhaps even if Bill was there for me in that sense, I would still have to work through it on my own. He looked crestfallen and I felt bad dropping that on him before he went to bed.

Not that it kept him awake. As soon as his head hits the pillow he is out. This morning, Bill did make it a point to say he would be more attentive to my situation when he’s at home and in my groggy haze of the morning I told him I appreciated it and also apologized for my timing.

I should have brought it up right away when it was happening rather than feeling hurt and shutting down most forms of communication. I usually try to do that, but last night I was too far gone.

And like I said, I am better now.

Just got a phone call from my former boss Ashish. His first words? ‘Sounds like you’ve been drinking!’ Why does everyone think I drink all the time? He said I could use him as a reference which was gracious of him.