I am trying to maintain a positive mental attitude. No, not trying, having a positive mental attitude. I open up the office, turn machines on, set up the kitchen, book rooms, sign for packages then distribute the packages, stock the refrigerator, distribute mail, take inventory of supplies and kitchen things and answer the phones. That’s what I did at Wanker Banker that is what I do now.

I know it sounds a lot more glamorous than it is. I’ve been at McMann and Tate (MT) for five days now. Today while loading the dishwasher, I asked my supervisor Felicia how she thought I was doing so far.

“You were a lot more energetic during your interview.”

“Okay…?”

I don’t think that could be considered constructive. I was deflated. Day five at the new job and your supervisor says that. I mean, WTF?

I admit I’m eager to please, not kissing ass. Multi tasking and adrift. There isn’t any handbook to go to and whatever notes I find seem to contradict each other. David, the Oedipal temp ‘trained’ me for two days, and it was more of a hands off on the job not much at all training type of thing.

At Wanker Banker, (where I was, yes unhappy) I could seize the situation a lot of the time. No earth shaking decisions but small and smart ones. I was also my own boss basically. And I also had friends there.

There’s no real system at MT and Felicia keeps telling me how we have to keep things under budget. That makes it difficult to keep up on ordering supplies.

On an odder note, Felicia told me she was not going to be in on Friday. Trying to get a bead on something resembling cordiality, I asked her if she was doing anything special.

“No, I have a Doctor’s appointment”

Oh I hope it’s nothing serious. (And I was sincere in that regard)

“I have cancer.”

Now what do you say to that? Jeezy Creezy!

“You’re kidding. No wait, you wouldn’t kid about that. Wow. Sorry” That’s about all I could say.

This place is bugged for sure. Bugged in the sense that it seems a bit weird. Street slang if you will. Perhaps that’s why Felicia has been a bit distracted.

Yeah that cancer, one major distraction.

I do hope that it’s nothing really serious, maybe a melanoma. My money’s on the melanoma. Speaking of hope, I really hope this isn’t a rehash of the Bleedin’ Hope scenarios.

I don’t plan on leaving, but Felicia told me they had gone through quite a few receptionists before finding me. I wonder why that might be? Nah, I’ll hang in there, making a concerted effort to smile often while doing such drudgery. I had even run once or twice to answer a ringing phone. And I don’t even run for the bus. Skip maybe, but run? Nah, not really.

The plan is to maintain a positive attitude. If I’m going to stay I have to adapt to them because they aren’t going to adapt to me.

What the hell is wrong with me? Lately I’ve been plagued by self doubt, mainly about how much better I had it at Wanker Banker, and why the hell did I leave. I actually have to take a step back and realize and remember that the place was driving me crazy. True I was my own boss there, but basically I was so unhappy. I have to keep telling myself that, believe it or not.

Usually something will trigger the feeling of doubt, last night I was thinking about wine and how lately I had been getting my bottles of wine from Wanker Banker. I miss walking around midtown, I miss wearing a suit and tie, and I miss some of my coworkers. But I was so unhappy. I was doing the job in my sleep, making my own hours and still getting the task at hand done.

Was I being petulant when I left? No, I was generally unhappy. They did treat me like shit the past few months. The gave me half of what some people got for a bonus despite the fact that those people weren’t even there as long as I was. They turned a blind eye to being ripped off by various employees. New divisions of Wanker Banker were also pulling me in crazy directions, and I had no support from anyone really regarding who these new divisions were or how should I support them.

Also I was thinking about how other coworkers had moved on and how happy they seemed to be. Maybe I wanted to find some of that happiness for myself. I know I could never go back there again, despite a longing fuelled by doubt.

Being cooped up in the apartment most of the weekend really lent itself to feeling like that. I have to apply myself at McMann and Tate. More opportunities are possible. I need to take matters into my own hands without relying on Felecia my supervisor.

The sun finally broke through and I was able to take a walk outside and enjoy the waterfront. Quite nice, not too crowded. Of course I had a Padron. Julio couldn’t go out walking and Bill was content to stay home and watch Law and Order again.

Many cuties wandering about. I wandered over to CVS on Clinton Street because I heard an old friend from McSwells was working there. A dear sweet guy, Martin Kelly. Hadn’t seen him in years and would’ve liked to say hello. I looked around the store but didn’t see him.

Maybe he saw me first and hid. Perhaps I lingered too long in the Incontinence aisle. In any event, it was good to know he’s alive and well and working. Still digging the Arcade Fire cd. It’s so good. I’m sorry I missed some opportunities to see them live. Better late than never.

Tomorrow will more than likely be the last session with Phillip Beansprout for Bill and myself. The insurance will end by the end of April and the new job won’t cover it. The new job won’t even have Bill insured under my plan. Bill’s cool with that. I think we made enough progress with Phillip. We’ve learned to communicate better and I think that was a main problem that we had. The lack of communication.

And now, some pictures from Hoboken, April 23, 2006.

Found Art?

A building being renovated by Stevens Tech.

Big Ship Going Somewhere

Short Pier, no long walks.

Yours truly.