Category Archives: Hopelessly banal with a slathering of ennui

I Never Enjoyed My Operation More

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Last night provided a rough night of sleep. I went to bed earlier than usual and actually fell asleep but at 2:30 I woke up very dehydrated and with a killer headache. I got out of bed and drank a lot of water and tried to go back to sleep but that proved to be difficult. So I took two Motrin, drank some more water and went back to bed, eventually falling back asleep. Today was the day that something had to be done and I was grateful for a few hours of sleep. Things just have not been going right for me lately.

Of course things were better last week, then the weekend revealed things that I had feared. Perhaps feared isn’t the right word, I should have written ‘wary about’. I had hope but hope proved to be damning. It hasn’t been easy and today after doing the right thing, I came home and fell asleep. I woke up and got myself together once again, heading off to the nearby supermarket since there was not enough to eat and I couldn’t wait for Bill to do grocery shopping. That was the high point of the day, made possible thanks to Isis at the register.

I hadn’t seen her in weeks, we kept missing each other. Some catching up ended with her sympathy for my situation. I came home with some groceries in my canvas bag and my head in my hands. I wasn’t expecting company today but there they were- my personal demons. All the things I think about, letting people down, letting Bill down, cursing myself for posting on Facebook something that I was excited about not realizing that it was a big mistake. Oh the demons were there to back me up with their name calling and general self-loathing.

Every step seems to be a misstep today. Just now, a little after 3:00 in the afternoon I walked down the four flights of steps to get the mail only to find when I got to the mail box, there was no mail. Yes, it is a day like that. So today I am a shut in, having gone out twice today with no desire to have anything to do with the rest for the world, just waiting for Bill to come home. He’s about the only person I can deal with right now. He was great and supportive last night.

Resumes went out again today and I find myself set up with an agency meeting next week. An agency I sent emails to in 2010 which went unanswered, today they answered. Tomorrow I have to go back to the other place and discuss my volunteering with them. I do enjoy them and don’t want to let them down, even though I have already. The brief meeting this morning went well enough I suppose but no one had any paperwork and all I had was an open heart and a lump in my throat. I couldn’t help but feel like a fool.

It’s been a day of despair, a day of self-loathing. It’s not always going to be like this, just today I find myself in the ditch.

That was a few hours ago. Not much has changed. Heard from an old friend I hadn’t heard from since I had last seen him at the party at Maxwells in 2010. It was an email congratulating me on leaving retail and making a joke about the ‘new’ gig. I had to set him straight as it were.

Sometimes my enthusiasm can be a curse, for me at least. And anyway, I am still feeling like a fool.


Fat Chance Hotel

I Need You- N Dubz

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Well now that it’s autumn, the sun goes down earlier. It has been going down earlier and earlier with each passing day, and now by 8:00PM it’s time to turn the porch light on. That is, if we had a porch light. Since we don’t people will have to stand outside in the shadows of the street lamps, which isn’t so bad. It adds a nice ambience to things I think. Nothing I can do about it anyway. I’ll light a candle rather than curse the darkness. It’s also considerably cooler, the air conditioner has been retired for a few weeks.

Yesterday was truly a nothing day. It was a beautiful day but for some reason I couldn’t be bothered to go out and enjoy it. Instead I stayed in and enjoyed things. I suppose my experience of going out and sitting by the river on Saturday tainted my plan on going out and doing the same thing on Sunday. Actually I just couldn’t stand to go and sit by the river. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do and so I didn’t. I am sure I didn’t miss anything, as far as I could tell I hadn’t.

Bill slept most of the day and I farted around. I did go to the supermarket so I wasn’t a total shut in. On the way there I ran into a former neighbor who is going to be a neighbor again. This bloke who lived right next door to us will be moving into Claire’s apartment on the first floor. The bloke is subletting his apartment and in turn, moving into Claire’s sublet. It will be good to have the bloke and his bird and their dog around, though just because they’re in the building, doesn’t mean I will be seeing them.

When Bill woke up we watched the Emmy’s together. I was taken aback by how little TV I watch, at least not for entertainment. I rarely watch shows anymore. The TV is usually on MSNBC, CNN or TCM. Oh and HBO and Showtime and all those configurations. I haven’t given up on TV but more often than not I am watching the news and commentary on the news. I haven’t watched Doctor Who yet, though several people I know swear by it. I just never know when it’s on. Same with Archer and a few other shows that come highly recommended.

Today I was out and about and spotted a few cuties on the street. One time while ogling one of them, an old friend grabbed my arm. It was comical since they knew what they were interrupting and they could only grab me to get my attention. It wouldn’t matter anyhow if the friend didn’t grab my arm. Nothing would have happened with the hotties, it’s been so long I would have to look up ‘How To’ online at least to have a refresher on what part goes where. Still I do appreciate seeing a hot man walking down the street, so I guess I am not dead.




Hold Your Head Up