Author Archives: johnozed

About johnozed

I'm 50+ years old, 210-ish#, 6'2", reddish blonde, blue eyes with glasses (and without) masculine, funny, relatively intelligent, enjoy the company of assorted friends and family especially sordid friends and family. I love music, reading, writing, conversing, laughing, going to films, shows, concerts and smoking cigars. And I also enjoy looking nice in a suit and tie. Looking more like Lewis Lapham than Tom Wolfe. I'm sure there is more, but we'll just have to find out when I write about it. In a lifetime relationship with partner Bill Vila.

On My Radio

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Well it’s a new day and I feel like shit. Didn’t sleep well and I am anxious about this afternoon’s oral surgery. I feel somewhat doomed. Last night still replays in my mind. I was supposed to go with Bill and his cousin to see Natalie Cole (?) this weekend but I told Bill to forget about it. I really don’t give a damn about Natalie Cole. I’m sure she’s a nice person But I would rather not go. Things are definitely up in the air vis a vis Bill and myself. He’s also supposed to be the godfather to a friend’s baby on Saturday afternoon and since last night I would rather not go to that as well.

Let’s face it, the way I feel now, I doubt I will be doing anything with Bill in the near future. To Bill’s credit I got 2 text messages this morning, the first one went as follows: ‘Babe, I’m so sorry I didn’t let u know I needed more time to finish my work instead of having u waiting around not knowing what was going on. I’m also sorry 4 snapping @ u b4 entering the subway. U shouldn’t have 2 bear the brunt of my frustrations’. And the second text message: I truly love u and only want happiness 4 u. Also (and I hope u embrace this as much as I mean this), u, r a winner.’

All very nice and I’m sure he spoke with his friend Margaret which prompted him to have such an about face, because last night he was quite adamant in his refusal to apologize for anything as I sat there being hurt. Do I need this? No I don’t. I have enough on my plate, as does Bill. I asked Bill on the phone last night if he noticed that I don’t tell him anything really about what is going on in my life and of course he didn’t notice and why should he. He’s always going off on what is plaguing his life at the moment and after his comment that I am high maintenance I decided not to tell him anything personal about me.

Great relationship huh?

As I walked across town this morning on my way to work, I decided to play side 2 of the Buzzcocks ‘A Different Kind of Tension’ starting out with ‘I Don’t Know What to Do With My Life’ and ending with ‘I Believe’ which is one of my all time favorite songs. I was surprised that I was getting choked up during ‘I Believe’ singing quietly to myself and walking through Bryant Park. I continued after that to Singles Going Steady, the Buzzcocks singles compilation. Ever Fallen In Love, What Do I Get, Promises all hit home.

I tell you Pete Shelley really hit the nail on the head when he wrote those songs. Now it’s back to the anxiety, the fear that something is going to go wrong with my oral surgery. My brother Frank had his stroke last year, around this time, the dreaded month of May and I feel I am slated for the same fate or worse depending on how you look at it. In any event I would like ‘I Believe’ by the Buzzcocks to be played during my memorial service. I definitely don’t have a positive attitude towards the whole thing and once again I am on my own, going through it solo. I guess writing about what songs I would like played at my memorial service betrays my morbid approach to the whole situation.

CODA

Walked to the Dental School, and it was warm enough outside to break a sweat and that’s when I realized I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so out of it was I. I got to the front desk on the fifth floor and let them know I was in. As I was taking a seat, who do I see but Bill. Apparently he took half a day off at work so he could be with me. I was pretty much frightened of the whole oral surgery thing, and the memory of my brother Frank’s stroke, caused initially by a tooth infection added fuel to my fire.

I told Bill that if I start talking incoherently and I’m not drunk or on drugs, get me to a hospital pronto. With the stress of the dentist as well as last night’s fiasco I was a bundle of nerves and it showed this morning. And no real restful sleep. I think Bill either figured it out from what I told him last night, or someone else talked some sense into him but he was somewhat humbled this afternoon. We still have a lot to talk about with regards to it all. I’m tired.

The Final Taxi

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Hello. Tonight’s entry is from the loneliest guy on the East Coast. I would have said the world but there are probably plenty of lonely guys around. So I’ll take the east coast for myself, thank you. Tonight was supposed to be a fun evening. Unfortunately it didn’t turn out that way. The day started out quite nicely. Bill was here, we watched The Savages which hit home for Bill, having been through the situation of having a parent with dementia.

I enjoyed the movie too, if it can be called enjoyment. Just that I was able to see things in the movie that I hadn’t seen the first time around, like Laura Linney’s facial expressions or Philip Seymour Hoffman’s mannerisms. Went to bed after that, Bill joined me soon after. It was bliss having him laying there. I was fast asleep and didn’t hear him come to bed. Woke up and it was good to see him there next to me. I had picked out what I was going to wear to work, something extra special since Bill and I were invited to a shindig down on Wall Street that his cousin Elsie invited us to.

I had known about this for a week or so so I was looking forward to it, as was Bill. We haven’t had any good celebrations or parties to go to so this was going to be fun. The ride to work was pleasant, the weather was great. The office filled up, I was somewhat busy, running errands, even sent a small package to Annemarie, it was a good day. Everything seemed to be up up up. That should have been the warning sign. I got out of work at 4:30. Bill told me he was going to get out, maybe 5:00, more likely 5:30. No problem.

It was a nice enough afternoon. I wandered around puffing on a Padron, and found myself outside of Bill’s office building at 5:20. I called Bill, he still had some things to do. I mentioned seeing him in 10 minutes. 30 minutes later I was tired of standing on the sidewalk in dress shoes. Padron was finished so I called Bill’s desk and left a message, telling him I was going to be in Bryant Park waiting. Sure enough, after I found a seat in the park, Bill calls. By now, I’m tired and hungry but willing to go have a good time.

Bill showed up and I mentioned that I should have waited in the park rather than outside Bill’s building, seeing everyone going home, walking to the bus terminal. From out of nowhere, Bill says ‘if it’s going to be like this for the rest of the night I want to know now!’ I repeat that I should have waited in the park. He repeats himself just as angry as the first time he said it. So we start walking to the subway, not really speaking with each other. Bill did say, he was inundated with work at the last minute, all excuses, no apology.

No, ‘sorry, but it wasn’t my fault, they threw a lot of things at me at the last minute’. No that would’ve been the nice thing to say. Bill asked how my day was and I gave a thumbs up, saying it was perfect. That was the wrong thing to say, since he heard it as having attitude. I didn’t intend for it to be attitude, and what if it was? He showed quite an angry attitude with his ‘tell me now’ shit. That effectively killed any conversation between the 2 of us for the evening. And also his imitating of me with my thumbs up and saying ‘perfect’ didn’t help matters at all.

I sat next to Bill and we barely said a word. In fact, I talked to the waiter more than I talked to Bill. I told Bill’s cousin that I was going to be leaving after the dinner since I had to take a train home and after a certain hour, you have to transfer in Jersey City. With the night I was having, sitting in the middle of a party, not talking to anyone, much less my partner, sitting 6 inches to my left, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Bill’s cousin said she and her husband were leaving at 9:30, taking a town car home.

At 9:00 I made my exit, kissing Bill’s cousin good night and thanking her for the invitation. I looked at Bill and said ‘see ya’. I walked to the Path train, wishing there was someone I could talk to. I don’t think I ever felt as lonely as I did tonight. I tried calling Annemarie a few times, but she was out. I probably worried my nephew Earl since I called 3 times. I thought it pathetic, the only person I felt I could talk to was 3000 miles away.

Forget about local friends, Julio and Stine have Alexander, Roda has his son, Rand has his own thing going on, and Harpy, has his own problems. Everyone seemed to have real, more pressing matters at hand, including Annemarie, who has probably the most serious, the realest problems with her husband Rex and his heart procedure coming up, and here I am, ‘boo hoo. My partner isn’t talking to me’. Sometimes I just feel so pathetic. I did eventually talk to Annemarie and that helped, as did scribbling in my notebook on the Path train home.

I also called Bill and we had it out somewhat. He wasn’t going to call me. I did tell him that my ‘perfect’ thumbs up may have been seen and heard as snotty, but it wasn’t. His ‘tell me now’ crap was pure anger. And he never apologized for being late. I had to tell him that all he had to say was ‘sorry, but it wasn’t my fault’ and I think the concept escaped him. Jeezy creezy, when did I become such a pathetic loser? Or was I always that way and being alone just brought it all home tonight? Bill’s pride in non-communication certainly did not help.

Seriously, what the fuck?