2 minutes left in the morning of January 22nd, 2026. I just had the realization that probably because I was such a lousy, thoughtless, and selfish lover, could be why I’m still alive today. Granted, I’m paying the price for it now with lotion and a right hand, but I am able to be alive. The hope that spring eternal has run dry, at least the well of Hope

So far, I’ve only spoken to Bill and or Mike when we’re face to face, at least the past 24 hours. I find that lately, in the past 24 hours, I’m happiest when I’m at work. It helps that it’s a good job, easy, and I like the people I work with.

So I carried hope for 15 years with regards to Bill, and I guess now we’re companions, literally Bert and Ernie. With the same useful genitalia as those Muppets

I readily admit my idiocy when it comes to sexuality and Bill. It was a happy Pollyanna-like existence in the past 15 years or so. Ignorance is bliss, and I was quite blissful. Now that the bandage has been ripped off, I see things as they are.

No one wants to be alone, I know I don’t, and I know Bill doesn’t, so this is where we are- companions.

Passing by Xavier High School with bus number two outside, and I remembered I used to take bus number two from grammar School 50 years ag,o holy fuck.

And in my desperation or need to speak to somebody, I’ve been confiding in Marcus, and I’m not sure if that’s something, although he has told me that what was said was confidential, but still there’s doubt and or paranoia involved.

Now I find myself at the spot where 7 months ago there was much happiness with Bill, Mike, and me for the parade. Now the trees are barren, it is cold out, and I am alone. Bill and Mike are supposed to talk today about whatever it is they want to talk about, will I be brought up, who knows yet, think I would be, but with two narcissists who can tell?

I like wool hats, especially when it’s very cold. I have been very cold lately, but when I wear a wool hat, it gets wet with sweat, so I left it on the heater a little too long, and the wool hat was fried. So today I went around on my lunch break, I bought a new hat which was a good price, $10.

Otherwise, it’s not that cold in the 40s, I assume, but they are anticipating a major snowstorm this weekend. I’ve heard 16 inches expected to fall. Mike is coming over, or so he says, but we know how that goes. I told Bill that I don’t care if he does or not. I’m not going to encourage or discourage a visit.

Walking around, I heard Madonna singing Holiday and now that song has taken residence in my head.

Thankfully, that was overtaken by Siouxsie and the Banshees, Switch from their first album, The Scream. That LP and the Ramones’ first album was the soundtrack for returning to North NJ from the Village in Laszlo Papp’s Plymouth Charger in the early 80s.

I’m sure I’ve written about Laszlo in the past. Another HBJ name and an influence on my life, somehow… we shared September 12 for our birthdays.