988. That’s the number to call. Suicide and Crisis hotline. I was in crisis today. I called and spoke with MoDee. She was in California. It was good that I called. It was a rough day.

The Legume and I, the thaw I thought we had on Monday was just a mirage. Things are still awkward. Does the Legume realize I am being railroaded? Is railroaded the correct term?

Regardless, MoDee was most helpful. She listened to me and it really helped. So much that as I was talking to her a great weight felt lifted from my shoulders again. I did call 988 earlier this year and that was helpful but I did not pursue the suggestion that I seek therapy.

It’s funny, I do have friends, but not the type of friends where I can sit and talk to them about what’s on my mind. I’m sure they have things on their mind as well.

I posted previously about lunch with Nancy and Bob. Of course, that’s not their real names. During the lunch I mentioned that I had been having problems with depression and the look on their faces said a lot, basically, ‘We’re not THAT type of friends’.

Years ago when I did ‘do’ therapy I had friends that said ‘Why are you going to therapy? Don’t you know you can always talk to me? But those friends can’t provide objectivity and that is a major part of therapy.

Sometimes it’s a frustrating part. You talk to the therapist but you don’t get any feedback. MoDee suggested some physical things I can do, such as placing my right thumb on the right collarbone and the index and middle finger on the left collarbone. It seemed to work.

I was at work talking on my desk phone from about 5:00 PM with MoDee till about 5:25 PM. Right now I do not feel heavy, not laden with work problems, and also dreading the upcoming election which can involve terrifying thoughts. It’s been relentless.

Bill is great but tonight Bill is on the road again. He hates to see me like this and I hate to be like this. I certainly do not want to tell him how I am feeling when he is far away and unable to help. Once again if he were here I could and would focus on him, diverting my attention away from myself.

It’s these moments when I despair. But not tonight. I did have a sandwich which helped put away those blues. Bill does notice that I seem so much better once I have eaten. I guess that’s the same for anyone, hence the slang term, ‘hangry’. Angry when hungry.

Now I sit in the apartment, having done my laundry. That means my clothes will be hanging on racks and hangers for the next 36 hours. I’ve even turned on the heater to aid in the process and that makes the apartment quite humid, yet lemony fresh.

That’s all I got for tonight. Tomorrow is a bicycle day. That clears the head as well. And that is good.