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I Don’t Want To Be

Saturday, November 5th, 2011

At work right now, been a longish day at the cigar shack. Last night was alright, Bill Maher with Bill and then he was off to bed. I stayed up a little while longer. I looked up an old friend, no longer a friend online.

He hasn’t aged well judging by the picture but he was the number one employee at a Jewish nursing home in Bergen County. I was happy to see he was doing alright. My brother Brian into him a few years ago and to my surprise he was asking about me. Brian relayed the message and I in turn told Brian all about the falling out between us.

Basically this guy was the first person I ever came out to regarding my sexuality. What prompted the coming out was his then girlfriend asking me if I thought this guy was gay. I didn’t know but decided to broach the subject one night in the 1980’s when driving around and smoking pot.

He wasn’t gay but I told him I was and since we were working together in that book warehouse in Saddle Brook NJ, and with my mother working in the office I asked this guy not to say anything about my sexuality. Well he told his dotty girlfriend who also worked in the warehouse and she told two friends and so on and so on.

The next day I went to work half the people I was friends with were no longer my friends. My secret was out and it was then I discovered who my real friends were. As far as I know my mother was kept from this truth until it fell to me to tell her and the rest of my family the truth.

My sister did ask once in the late 1970’s if I was gay, since I had no girlfriends and my first instinct was to lie lie lie. I was going to an all boy’s high school and a regional high school at that, so no friends from school male or female were in my vicinity.

There was Paul Slavin who lived in the next town a few blocks away but I never hung out with him since he was so snobby. There was also a gay cruising area between, my house and Paul’s house and whenever I said I was going to Paul’s house I would usually be waylaid and laid on the way.

A few years later, my father had time on his hands due to retirement and while wandering through his house and into my room, discovered some gay porn. I thought it was alright since my brothers had Playboy and Penthouse in their rooms but who was I kidding besides myself?

I neglected to mention the night of my first anxiety attack. I was going to see the Who with my brother Frank and while waiting for him to pick me up in 1979, I got into a fight with my constant nemesis Brian. Brian dropped the bomb on me, telling me he was going to tell our parents about the magazines under my bed and that I was a pervert.

Frank couldn’t arrive to pick me up fast enough (then again he never could) and the ride was mainly me sitting in the passenger seat as he smoked weed and I maintained my silent nervous breakdown. Brian never brought it up again.

So eventually my dad found the mags and he told my mom, who told Frank, who told Annemarie who told Brian and when it came to me I had no choice to own the truth. Yes I am gay, and I have to leave. I didn’t have to leave but I did if I was going to live my life the way I wanted to.






Bronski Beat – Smalltown Boy 12 Inch Version

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I Don’t Love Nobody

Monday, October 17th, 2011

Another day at work. I have a swiss cheese schedule this week. Off tomorrow, on Wednesday and off Thursday. Then two days on and one day off. It’s a job and yes I am happy to have one. Yesterday was also a work day. It was Zack and Jerry Vale.

I struggled to get out of the apartment in time to catch the 9:00 bus since last time, the 9:30 bus didn’t show up until 9:55 making me late for work. I would rather be early than late so I did my best to hustle without enough sleep. I was still groggy as I headed out, Bill telling me he loved me and I grumbled my way down the stairs. I wish I could have been more animated for him but he knows I am not a morning person.

I made it to the bus stop and a few minutes later the 9:00 bus showed up. It was fairly crowded and at the next stop, RoDa and his son Logan got on board. They didn’t see me since I was in the back of the bus and of course, most everyone in Hoboken who is someone knows RoDa. So he situated Logan in the seat and chatted with a few people around him.

I sent a text, ‘Hello from three rows behind you’. He turned around and gave me a great big smile and a wave and we planned on meeting t the bus terminal. It turned out Logan and RoDa were headed in the same direction as I was, plus they were walking. So we walked up the avenue together, me making a pit stop to get my egg sandwich. We parted ways, RoDa and Logan to get tickets for the New York Comic Convention and me off to work.

When I got to the cigar shack it was 10:00, I was a half hour early. I expected to be able to chill out on my own for a little while before Zack and Jerry Vale appeared, but to my surprise they were there already, smoking cigars. I sat and ate my egg sandwich and once I punched in set about starting the store while Zack and Jerry Vale smoked.

Money counted, both drawers counted, petty cash counted. Everything was in order. It was an easy day and I once again grabbed top sales. I walked down to the bus terminal after work, leaving Zack to close the shack. I hadn’t walked down to the bus terminal since earlier in the year, and a few things changed. New restaurants, new buildings were noticed as I strolled down the avenue enjoying a cigar.

A short wait for the bus and a standing room only ride back to Hoboken. There was Bill waiting for me and ordering a pizza from Grimaldi’s. Love and pizza, two of the finer things in life. We watched Boardwalk Empire which is getting better and better each week, more complex, more characters and more depth.

After that was Pan Am which is a decent soap opera and usually fun to watch. Bill went to bed after that and I stayed up for a little while after that. A good nights sleep was had and it was off to do the same thing again. Thomas and Bradley and I working shoulder to shoulder and it was an OK day. Things were slow but still numbers were posted.

I had volunteered to work the Monday Night Football event despite my aversion to most things athletic. Yesterday Zack told me that Bradley would be working the event and not me. In an email sent earlier Zack wrote that Thomas and I would both have to work a Monday Night Football and since I was off tomorrow it seemed OK for me to do it.

But no, it went to Bradley and it was fine with me. Why it went that way, I don’t know. Perhaps Zack took my concept of the West Side Story update, instead of Jets vs. Sharks it would be Jets vs. Dolphins. I made that joke a few times and got a few good laughs, but perhaps Zack thought I would actually do a few songs from West Side Story at halftime. I did rehearse One Hand, One Heart just in case the halftime show wasn’t cutting it.

In any event, I was out of there at 9:05 instead of 12:30AM and that was fine by me. There was also drama happening amongst the staff, drama that I witnessed and was not part of which was odd for once. I happily rode the bus home and chatted with an old Maxwells friend, Ally on the way back, talking about Bob Mould and Steve Fallon.

Now I am home and extremely happy to be here.







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I Don’t Know Why You Don’t Want Me

Friday, October 14th, 2011

It’s Friday and for that I am somewhat thankful. It’s been a long day. Last night was busy enough with the hand off to Rand and meeting up with Lois in front of Rand’s apartment. Then I went home and finished the post and saw that most of everything on the hard drive was transferred to my computer.

Some things did not make the cut but oh well. i did get a lot of pics, some of which will be turned into holiday presents, they’re just that good. Stayed up later than I wanted to but it was not so bad. Not a full night’s sleep. Lots of thunder and lightning which kept me up for a short time in the middle of the night.

Bill slept through it all of course. He was up and out at 6:30 this morning, his usual wonderful goodbye kiss was an early wake up. If only my alarm clock was so warm and inviting. I eventually got up after failed negotiations with my snooze button.

Cereal in bowl, coffee brewing in the pot and me in the shower. I was out and checking my email and getting dressed in no time and before you knew it I was on the street headed to the bus stop. A call to Bill of course, him trying to cheer me up and me not fully grasping his kind words of support.

He’s so great and lovely and doesn’t let up until he can hear a smile on my face. I sat at the stop, enjoying a cigar and waiting for the 10:30 bus. At the next stop Deborah the neighbor got on and it was the usual chit chat before she headed her way in the bus terminal and I headed in my opposite direction.

Subway uptown followed by a stop at the magazine store, disappointed in the fact that the latest Mojo and Uncut magazines still have not hit the shelves in this shop. Looks like a trip to the local record store to get in locally and pay the god damned tax. A small price to pay.

The Bob Mould autobiography is proceeding nicely, I already ran into a slew of names of people that I know. Quite surprising. I know I won’t make the cut and I am somewhat relieved.

At the shack it was fairly busy, Thomas and Jerry Vale with me and Zack. Zack did alright today, me a close second. Thomas bringing up the rear, behind Jerry Vale. At least that was the score when I last checked. I am looking forward to going home and just relaxing instead of changing clothes and roaming the streets of Hoboken with a hard drive in my pants.

Bill is working on his play again so I will be home before him. I am closing the shack tonight so if everything goes right and the numbers match up I should be on the bus that I want, heading home. Not much to ask for is it?

And now I am home. Happy to be here. Where you are, I don’t know.



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I Do, Don’t You

Thursday, September 22nd, 2011

So happy it’s Thursday is one of my favorite acronyms as of late. And it’s Thursday and I am somewhat happy. It’s been a busy day too which was good. The day started out once again, Bill kissing me goodbye. I roused myself from slumber after trying to bargain with the alarm clock. The clock always wins.

After breakfast and getting dressed I walked over to the dry cleaners and saw Mona. I dropped off two of my shirts and two of Bill’s then headed to the bus stop. I chatted with Bill on the phone as I walked.

Overcast and muggy was the weather and since there was nothing I could do about it, I just sat on the bench, smoking a cigar that I actually started last night and listened to the iPod. Specifically a singer named Res which I bought back in 2001. Her songs have popped up on the iPod and has been the subject of some discussion.

It was a fun listen, I remembered being in HMV on 42nd Street and hearing it and asking the DJ who was playing, then I went and bought it. It’s a really good record and nary a word has been heard from her in 10 years.

Today I worked with Thomas and Bradley with Calvin once again sequestered in his office. It wasn’t as busy or containing the financial windfall I helped cause yesterday but still it wasn’t half bad, perhaps it was something I could write home about, or at the very least, write about here.

Still quite a few diplomats and their entourages in the vicinity, women buying gifts for their men in the form of cigars. Jimmy Seltzer made it in, earlier than usual and paid me a very nice compliment about how something that I recently wrote was good enough to perhaps expand into a book.

A very nice thing to hear rather than read what the spammed mastorhaters write, almost always wrong but hey even they have their chance to write though it never gets published, at least not by me. Perhaps Greg, Peter and Bobby Brady have a blog somewhere, or a favorite bathroom wall they write on, I really couldn’t tell you.

Jimmy Seltzer is a prince though and his compliment helped carry me through the day. And ‘My Friend, My Friend’ also made an appearance which was nice, good to see him since I see him so infrequently these days.

Tomorrow promises to be a busy day, I hope to get up early enough to get chores done, laundry, groceries and a stop at the bibliotheque. That should make the day packed with enough things to do.

Now there’s less than fifteen minutes left in my day, work wise. It’s a been a good one, Thomas is a pleasure to work with. Very sharp, a bit witty and a snappy dresser. I write this knowing full well that he won’t be reading this.

He’s a good man and will make his fiance quite happy, he is devoted to her 500%.







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I Did It

Wednesday, September 7th, 2011

Another splendid day in the cigar shack. Things are certainly looking ‘up’. The day started out quite nicely as well. My ‘roommate’ gave me a nice kiss goodbye. He was probably going to one of his many jobs, or doing church work or working on his performance hobby. I have to love that roommate. He’s so dedicated to what he does.More people should be like him and not so lazy. But that’s how it goes I suppose.

Some people can do things and some people can sit back and break out the Vaseline and spew forth on their keyboards since that seems to be what they’re so good at. The cigar shack did crazy good today, all of the staff hitting high numbers, myself in the lead much to Calvin’s dismay.

Thomas of course was a very close second and Bradley came in third, nearly tied with the big C. Lot’s of cigar smokers coming in from the rain and sitting in the man cave, smoking and drinking. No one got too rowdy though there was great potential for it.

Of course they were all super aroused when a woman sat in the back with her beau and lit up a small cigar. That always gets the menfolk going. Draw your own conclusions on that. Thomas and Bradley were their usual funny selves and Calvin seemed to be a bit on the moody side.

Hard to say why, but he was. So many reasons on why that may be but it’s not my story. Feel free to speculate. A nearby bookstore is closing down which has brought a lot of customers to the area, customers who never knew of the cigar shack.

A few of them mentioned that they walked by eight million times but didn’t know we were here. They promised to come back and I certainly believe they will, especially since quite a few of them stayed all afternoon, sending emissaries to the book store while they sat in the man cave puffing away on some expensive cigars.

Most of them were my customers so that is what inflated my numbers quite nicely. One of the customers ordered a couple of pizzas which made lunch easier. No need to go out for something to eat and made the sandwich that I made for lunch an early evening snack. All in all it has been a very easy going kind of day.

Lot’s of love all around within the staff and the customers. It really was a sight to be seen and experienced. Tomorrow promises to be even nicer though Calvin will be out most of the day, expected to return in the afternoon. I am sure Thomas, Bradley and myself will be able to make the most of it.

In fact Thomas and myself have been setting things up the past hour or so making sure that all things should run smoothly tomorrow, no locomotive accidents to be had which will probably disappointed those masturhators out there. They know who they are. Let’s hope they wipe their chins before kissing their roommates.







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I Can’t Wait #3

Tuesday, August 16th, 2011

And it’s back to work for me today after 2 magically nice days off. With the play, ‘Destinations’ at Le Poisson Rouge on Sunday, seeing Bill and a very good cast onstage and the trip to Sandy Hook with Bill and Corinne, it was certainly bound to be a disappointment to have to go back to work today.

I tell you a Xanax certainly helped. No despair though it was there when I was putting my eyeglasses on this morning. No, a wait at the bus stop was quite pleasant as I sat there finishing up a cigar. The bus ride was OK enough, a nice chat with Deborah my neighbor about nothing in particular.

The subway was the same as it ever was. People asleep, junkies on the nod and me staring into space. A walk around the block while talking to Bill on the phone was in order since I was quite early, too early to actually head into the cigar shack. And the cigar shack was alright, though that might be the Xanax writing.

It was Thomas and Calvin and that made it alright. Calvin seems to be stressing out from becoming the head cheese in the cigar shack. A friend suggested I help him out with the scheduling which would free him up to concentrate on the additional tasks he’s taken on. I mentioned it to him and he seemed to think it was a good idea and then he went and did the new employee schedule.

I was talking to Thomas and we both agreed that Bradley wants to be the assistant manager under Calvin. That’s fine by me, I just wanted to lighten Calvin’s load, but of course there could be a problem if Bradley tries to tell me what to do.

It circles back to a conversation I had with Jerry Vale the other night. Jerry Vale is a part timer and Calvin’s been talking to him about being full time. But the store can’t carry 4 full timers so someone would have to go and I reckon that someone would be me.

Especially if Bradley is chomping at the bit for an assistant manager position and with my lack of ambition and relying on merely wanting to help out there’s no other way I can see it. Thomas is an ace at sales, Jerry Vale is learning the ropes and can be molded into something that I’m not and Bradley when not punching walls, shows phenomenal skills when he deals with inanimate projects.

I could be wrong, I could be right, I could be prepared for whatever happens. I’m not bitter, but that could be the Xanax again. The friend who suggested I help out the scheduling for Calvin is a sometimes regular customer from the Bay Area. He thinks I should move to the Bay Area.

He’s a talented entrepreneur trying to sell a lesson guide for children to learn about money management. Something I could have definitely have learned when I was growing up instead of being taught that money was a mystery and a magical thing that would be exploited once I got my grubby hands on it.


Leggy

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