So far this has been a bleak holiday season. Yesterday Bill was down in the dumps and the way things have been going lately, today is my turn. I woke up to an empty apartment and looked out the window to near white-out conditions due to a snow shower. That more than likely meant I would be housebound.

Bill was up and out and at the gym on the upper west side of Manhattan at 80th Street. Despite several New York Sports Clubs (NYSC) between the apartment and west 80th Street that is the location he goes to. According to online sources, there’s a lot of action in the steam room and sauna.

I can’t say that is why he goes to that particular one but according to the ancient, unspoken rules to our 98% relationship, if he ain’t getting it from me, he’s free to go elsewhere. Don’t ask don’t tell would be the theme to all that. And since it’s been over 15 years, well you can figure it out if you’re so inclined.

It has been 15 years since I last hooked up with anyone, the last time was just so awful that I had decided to give it up. I can take care of things myself and reality could never match the 15-minute fantasy in my head. I took a shower and had some coffee that Bill made before he went to the NYSC.

I puttered around, watching the holiday morning shows and not feeling any holiday cheer at all. Then again being alone my empathy is nonexistent since there is no one to empathize with. I did try to be moved by whatever festive spectacle was before me but there was no connection.

After an hour or two I went to lay down, TV off, phone on Do Not Disturb but that was impossible due to the coffee and my simmering bitterness for the place I worked at and the people I worked with. Lying there on the bed in the dark, I thought of different things to write, each one seemingly strong, powerful, and bitter.

Bill texted he was coming home and asked if I wanted a breakfast sandwich or a bagel. I said no thank you. Yesterday when I went to the supermarket I asked Bill before I left if he needed anything and he said no. I still got him some items because that is how I am.

I do not think Bill will be coming home with anything for me since that is how he is. He does occasionally buy some chocolate confections when in the city and will bring them home though last time he took a photo of an empty shelf to show what he usually gets me was unavailable.

There were some items that would have been nice to get but that is not how he is. He would rather take a photo to show me that he is not getting me anything. And I suppose that’s alright since that is how it goes. I take it for granted that Bill doesn’t read this here blog that often and I am guessing that he will not read this.

He certainly doesn’t comment so I have no idea. He hasn’t mentioned it in a few weeks. I do like support and feedback but that is not coming. Google Maps shows him outside the building and I can hear his leaden feet climbing the stairs. And I was right.

There was no ‘I know you said you didn’t want anything but I got you something anyway’. Damn, I’m good at getting things for someone who said they didn’t want anything and it seems I am good at predictions. Doesn’t work with lottery numbers though. C’est fucking la vie.

Another opening, another show. That’s from Kiss Me Kate which was on from a broadcast that I recorded for some reason. Bob Fosse is in it, the songs by Cole Porter are top rate. Ann Miller is in it. My mother did not like Ann Miller at all since she felt Ann Miller lied about her age all the time. So my mother’s disdain for Ann Miller carried forth unto me.

It’s the holiday season. Christmas is 2 days away. I am not really into it and if you’ve been reading the blog, you would know why. I got a text from Daisy the other day while she was at the accursed job that I used to have when it wasn’t cursed. Now I am not there and so I curse them.

Daisy with her childlike faith was chipper and positive compared to my lack of enthusiasm. I try not to think about the law firm of the damned but Daisy’s text had me spiraling back towards bitterness. I waited until the evening to reply, knowing that she would be home. I wasn’t pleasant and threw cold water on her plans to meet up for the holiday.

On the one hand, I would like to know how the job was, did she get a good bonus but that was tempered with my loathing of her coworkers. People that she works with and smiles with and sometimes shops with when the work day is over, the same people that did their best to make my life hell, the Filipinos.

The texting went back and forth between me & Daisy and I did not like it much, especially my animosity towards her employer. She reminded me that she is not her job, but still, I could not get past that. A few hours later I apologized and she of course remarked that she was praying for me. I suggested that she contact me if and when she is in Hoboken again. If she does I would make an effort to meet her and be positive. If she doesn’t, c’est la vie.

I made it to Mike’s crib yesterday. I brought about a dozen towels, some pots and pans and plates and bowls and utensils, and coffee cups. It’s a nice apartment and Mike has plans to furnish it and make it homey. We hung out and talked about many things, some touchy feely stuff. It was a good visit for a few hours.

He too has a childlike wonder to him, though not as sugar-coated as Daisy’s childlike wonder. Mike has seen some things and has been through some things. I am honored that he feels comfortable enough to talk to me about such matters.

There is a plan to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree on Friday but that is up in the air. It might have been a chance for Bill and Mike to finally meet since they both have heard so much about each other through me. But things being what they are, Mike might have to reschedule due to something or other that affected his workday today. C’est la vie.

And as in previous postings, Bill and I are in separate cycles of disillusionment for lack of a better word. He was wrestling with NJ DOL unemployment and was frustrated. I suggested stepping away and coming back to it with fresh eyes but he wasn’t having it. He knows himself so well and he feared he would fall into whatever traps lay before him.

I thought & hoped that knowing those traps would be there might make it easier for him to avoid them. He wasn’t feelin’ that and wound up staying in and figuring it out while I was a slave to my steps and going out to avoid the blues that I saw on the horizon. I came home as he was going out. I have no idea if he got through his NJ DOL troubles and I didn’t ask. C’est la vie.