It’s Saturday, October 25. Everything is a disappointment for me today. And I really do not like humanity. Most everyone except for some family & friends. My tolerance is quite low. I am finally going to take a social media break. It’s too much. It leaves me feeling ill, not in a good mind space.

And I have found things about me that are not to my liking. I thought a torch was extinguished, but I found it was still burning. There’s no point in being coy about it since I’m the only one who seems to read these posts. I may have mentioned before how I fell for Mike. Not taking away any love from Bill, I had a good amount of love to share with Mike as well. And Mike claimed he felt the same. Then in August, he revealed that he did not feel that way after all.

He found someone new, his beloved, someone 3000 miles away. And after all their clumsy attempts to connect, they have finally connected. I helped make it happen, as did Bill. Like I said, I thought the torch was extinguished, but seeing photos of the 2 of them online, I am gutted once again.

Bill more than likely has a clue, but he’s going through his own drama with work, and he is doing his best to deal with that. Needless to say, the atmosphere in the apartment was filled with bad feelings, not towards each other, but for those outside the apartment.

I’ve had my phone on do not disturb so that cuts out any intrusions that might be forthcoming from Jersey City and beyond. I just received at least a half dozen photos of Mike and his beloved in Jersey City (no longer Chilltown), and that bothered me. So much for thinking I had moved beyond it.

I plan on not saying anything about it, just letting it die like a neglected house plant. I almost posted my social media break on the social medias earlier, but decided to wait. That was around 11 AM. Now I am looking to 6 PM. I told Bill this, and he was supportive, saying, ‘do what you gotta do’.

I can’t say how long the break will be for. It could be hours, it could be days, it could be weeks, or even months. I guess I will see how I feel as time goes on. The thought of it makes me feel good. Earlier this year I did check in with Harpy, who was more cantankerous than ever, and he explained his absence from the social media platforms was due to too many narcissists. I thought he preferred to be the only narcissist.

In a way, I am following Harpy’s lead, as well as Hank Russert, someone I never met. I sent a message to him a few weeks ago, and he said he was OK. Good enough for me. There are others whom I did the same for, asking how they were doing but received no reply, which led me to believe they were no longer alive. Health matters and age do come into play with some, and I think of Thomas Gale Knoch when I wrote that.

Thomas was someone I enjoyed interacting with. But not in a while, perhaps over a year. But I will be making an announcement so as not to let family & friends worry. Perhaps that’s narcissistic.

With regards to Mike, I fell in lust with the character he portrayed online, some thuggish ruggish bone smoking a cigar. When he was sitting on my couch he was not like that at all. It was the bait on the hook that took me in. I fell in love with this sensitive guy, who got me out of a solosexual life that I had been living in for about 15 years of my own accord.

And now I am heading back into that. Perhaps not so much of being in my own accord, but instead, of saving myself from any more hurt. He did make a financial promise to repay what I had done for him for the past 11 months. I did not ask for it; he said he wanted to do it. If, in fact, he does it, I will be grateful for his gratitude. But anything is possible, and I, of course, could use the money.

1981 was 44 years ago. I drove to California with Perry Dedovitch. It was that trip to Canoga Park, and Perry told me I did not have to act so smart. Apparently, his relatives in Canoga Park thought I was putting on airs and trying to sound so intelligent when I was really just being myself. It was funny in an odd way, but it just goes to show how uneducated perhaps his relatives were, refugees from Clifton, New Jersey, resettled into the Los Angeles area.

I used to think there was a way for a long time, but I think it was less than a month took a week to get out there driving Perry’s van, stopping each night along the way.

We stayed with his relatives for a few days, then wound up having to go to Las Vegas because they were not going to leave us alone in their house while they went to Las Vegas, and then a drive back, which took about 5 days since we drove non-stop. Do I regret the journey? I am not sure, as it was an experience to say the least. Would I repeat it? Oh hell no.

This memory was brought to you via a social media friend who had posted that it was 44 years ago that Elvis Costello and the Attractions had released their country album Almost Blue. I flashed forward to New Year’s Eve 1981 with Dave Bell and two of his friends going to the Palladium to see Elvis Costello and the Attractions.

The trip to California with Perry showed that I was able to drive steadily across country and back, and a few months later, in 1982, when the driving to New York from Saddle Brook two times a day position opened up, I volunteered for it and got the job. And that opened up a whole new world, introduced me to Jet Watley, and showed me New York City from the inside.

Perry was the first one that I had come out to, and that was a big mistake since it resulted in a betrayal. However, Jet was accepting and welcoming since he was gay himself. The friendship between Perry and me crashed and burned. I was shocked, I was in tears, and eventually I got over it and got to be a very good guitar player, especially compared to Perry.

I was introduced to a group of people from Colgate University and fell in with them for a few years. Sometimes one of them turned blue in a bar on the East Village, but that’s a whole other story, one that the blue man would probably rather forget or at least would not want his children to know about.

So, thanks to that betrayal, as awkward and painful as it was, things definitely got better and removed me from that suburban daydream that I used to have and put me back into the world where I’ve been thriving sort of for a few decades.
Presently dealing with melancholy. It’s just very slow at the office today, hardly anyone’s in, so there’s no one to talk to or direct or help. So I’m left with my thoughts, and that’s necessarily not a good thing.
Bill is home. He came to the office yesterday and met Jimmy Chile. They got a long swimmingly is quite nice, and I had an enjoyable ride home on the PATH train, and then a walk through Hoboken at trip to the supermarket, where I almost bought hot dog rolls but figured I had bread at home, and then I got home to find out there was not much bread since Bill ate a lot of it. I got upset and let him know I was upset.

At work, there was the morning meeting, which I generally do not like to attend, but I have to, and so I do, and it takes about a minute for me to say my part, and then I have to sit there for another 45 minutes and listen to everybody else tell their stories.

Tomorrow I need to go to the main food stands for another meeting at this time, it will be in person, and the only redeeming value I can find in that is that I will add to my gathering steps for that day. This past Sunday, I set my counter to bike riding and did not set it back on Monday, which gave me over 600 steps for Monday, which I did not realize until I got home that night.

Oh, melancholy is overwhelming me at the moment.

It seems Mike’s beloved will be arriving tomorrow after a bunch of weeks where he backed out. If he actually shows up, that would be a major accomplishment. I am intending not to contact Mike over the weekend so he can focus on his beloved.

The owners of the fruit stand have arranged for people to get flu shots today. I inquired if it was for everyone, and they said no, since I am only contracted to work at the food stand, but not working for the fruit stand. No flu shots for me. So that means that if I get the flu, I get to bring it into work and spread it around, which is not what I want to do, but it is a possibility

Been 30 minutes since I’ve been outside, and it’s a bit chilly, so I’m going in in a moment.

Now, I am home with Bill. We’ve had Mike on the phone, trying to help him out so he would know which gate at the airport to meet his beloved. The beloved is flying from SFO to EWR, and all the info we’ve gotten thru Mike from his beloved is somewhat weird. Nothing matches up for United or American Airlines.

Bill has been handling these things since he thrives in itineraries. So when the phone rings, I have Bill handle it, which led Mike to think I was mad at him. He had to be reassured that I wasn’t, that this was Bill’s wheelhouse. When I travel with Bill, I just have to follow wherever he is going. It makes travel a pleasure for both of us.

Bill is wary of the beloved and the info, and it’s worrying me as well. And I think Mike is slowly feeling the same way. We all hope we’re wrong.