22° on a Thursday morning in January. Crazy detailed dreams that were somewhat unnerving. One was me with Bill getting into a building in Manhattan, Bill got through the narrow black doors with no problem, and I got stuck and needed his assistance to gain entry.

Then I was in an apartment with Julio & Stine. It was a nice apartment, based on my memory of their apartment in Hoboken. Their boys weren’t in the dream. I told Julio about my lack of employment situation and Stine handed me a bag of weed. I tried rolling a joint but I was having great difficulty.

A mutual friend, Lisa DeFalco showed up and was talking to Stine while I was talking to Julio about working on the video project that I was planning. I couldn’t really see if he was into the video idea and I decided it was time for me to go and catch the bus.

I was planning on smoking a joint walking down 42nd St to the bus terminal when it seemed that Lisa DeFalco turned into Daisy, my friend that I was able to get a position at the company that fired me.

It turned out Daisy was an artist in the dream and had given Julio and Stine quite a few pieces of art which were hung throughout the apartment, the pieces I saw were labeled ‘Joseph’, I thought they should have been labeled ‘Julio’. I was still trying to gland catch a bus but Daisy clung to my arm tightly.

The next dream was brief and involved skydiving with Keith Haring. That was it, not as involving and detailed as the Julio & Stine dream. It was quite a way to wake up and I was quite groggy. Bill mentioned that he noticed I slept so well since my side of the bed was quite orderly and undisturbed. I could have sworn I was tossing and turning.

This morning I received an email from a job that a week ago decided they didn’t want me. They saw Automat Kitchen and Trader Joe’s on the resume and felt I was not in the luxury clothing game. It seemed that this staffing agent, Brian convinced the client to give me a chance with a phone interview next week.

So my anxiety level went up a bit. There was also another email offer which I didn’t get too far into since I was still a bit stressed from the other offer, which isn’t really an offer, more like an inquiry.

I am planning on heading out today, off to the supermarket. It will be brief since it is still 22° right now and I need to gather my steps.

I heard from Mike this morning who asked what to do when there is no hot water. I advised contacting his absentee landlord and to call the tenant advocate for Jersey City. He said he was going to call his apartment placement advisor when they were scheduled to be available.

I do have a plan to go to see him tomorrow on his day off to continue to help him out with his situation.

Tuesday. It is currently 19°, real feel temperature is 9°. Right now I am feeling OK. It was better than 24 hours ago when my nose kept producing mucous. Now it’s not so bad. A slight headache after a nap earlier. I hope this means I am on the mend. Oh, the abyss of despair called today soon after Bill headed out west.

Once again resumes were sent out, just throwing them at the wall and seeing what sticks. Mike has been after me to get a job at his workplace, but I am not so sure if working at a shelter would be the right thing for me. I am slowly coming to grips with the idea that I will not be making whatever I made at the last gig salary-wise. But if it sticks, it sticks.

I’m not as smart as people think I am. I might know more than friends that watch Jeopardy but a lot of that is ready the clue and figuring it out. I’m not always right. Bill & Mike insist I should go on Jeopardy but I know I would not pass the psychological exam before the show. Would I freak out if I had a wrong answer? If I lost all my money?

I think that that would be a possibility. I watch the show and see the occasional contestant die a little when that happens. They made it so far only to lose most of everything or all of it. I have said or done stupid friends at various points in the past and regret it to this day.

There was sweet Rae Guay whose company I enjoyed greatly but one night in a pub in midtown Manhattan I turned to her and said she was vapid, without actually knowing what the word meant. Rae was one of those people who thought I was intelligent and despite my pleading that I really wasn’t, the misuse of the word vapid should have proved that I was actually the vapid one, not her.

That was the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I still carry that regret to this day. It’s almost like the more I state that I am not that smart, the more people seem to think, ‘Only a smart person would say something like that’.

I was told I was an idiot almost every day when growing up from my father and others in my family, echoing the pater familias. It’s a crippling thing that haunts me daily. And I was a not very bright student in my school days. At least I had the smarts to realize that going to college would be a complete disaster.

Even people at the last job felt I was perhaps a little too smart, but in that case, the barre was set quite low. Subtlety and wit were scarce materials in that office and when I would use both, it would generally be misunderstood.

I had a good talk with my sister-in-law this afternoon, talking about this here blog, and she asked if I ever tried to get these published. I never had since I have no idea who I would submit a few pieces of this here blog to. And since I have no idea if anyone reads this here blog, I don’t know who to ask for suggestions.