So they tell me you’re the all knowing all powerful deity. Tell me how does that make you feel?

I suppose omnipotent would be a good word to describe myself.

But isn’t that a bit egomaniacal?

Well after thousands of years of you people telling me that I do start to believe the hype.

So why do you go and kill all these people that adore you?

Well you know I wouldn’t give people more than they could handle.

Excuse me, but that sounds like bullshit.

Maybe it is. What are you going to do about it?

You’re a snotty little god aren’t you?

Maybe I am.

So tell me how do you get along with the other gods?

Other gods? Like who?

Zeus, Allah, Shiva.

Oh, them. They really don’t have much to say.

Why do you think that is?

Well the people that worship me fight the people that worship them. It’s a great form of population control when you really break it down.

Are you always this smug?

When I have to be, yes.

So tell me about your ‘son’. You sent him to earth to be murdered. Not exactly a nice thing is it?

Well he died for you.

Me? What did I do?

You were born. A most original sin.

I didn’t have any say in the matter.

Doesn’t matter. You’re born, you’re cursed.

Is this related to Adam and Eve?

In a way it is. You have to pay for their mistake.

The mistake of thirsting for knowledge?

Yes, I wanted them to remain ignorant. It really is blissful you know.

I’m surprised this world isn’t in a state of permanent bliss if that’s the case.

Are you so sure it isn’t?

So you kill a lot of innocent people. Does that do anything?

No, but it gives people a chance to wonder what is going on. I just let them think it’s no more than they can handle.

But babies?

Yes, babies. I really like ‘em. You know they’re not just for breakfast anymore. Lol.

You eat babies?

No, well not anymore. You know they used to sacrifice babies in my name. All types. That was fun but oh man, what a stink.

So, of all the groups that worship you, do you have any favorites?

Well they’re all my children. I loved the Jews, but man, they were so serious. Catholics really put on a good show, but oh the bureaucracy. Then with the reformation, man that was like splitting up the phone company.

How so?

Well from one company controlling everything, all of a sudden, you had many different variations on a theme. The Catholics had priests as operator assistance. Then Martin Luther introduced direct dialing.

What about the Jews?

The Jews have their own method of communicating. I don’t know where they got the idea if traveling to Jerusalem and wailing at a wall. But it’s all about me isn’t it?

And the Moslems?

Well they do like that big rock. And they throw rocks. They’re funny. But really don’t have much in the sense of humor department. Anyway, that’s all Allah’s thing, not mine.

When did you get into fashion?

Well it all started as a dare. I wanted to see if anyone would actually wear the things I suggested, and to my eternal chagrin, they did.

So the yarmulkes? The Burkahs?

All mine. Look out 7th avenue! Lol.

You’re a great big jerk you know that?

I know you are, but what am I?

Is that all you have to say?

Buddha has the right idea. But by endorsing that I diminish myself. So forget I said that.

One last question. If someone leads a good life, doesn’t hurt anyone, and doesn’t believe in you, is that a problem?

No, not for me. My followers, for sure though. I don’t exist. You’re writing this all by yourself.

Wise ass.

Despite what may have happened I have no idea how all this blood got all over everything. It is truly bizarre. Everything seemed to be going so nicely. I spoke to Mary Ellen who is usually so competent in matters like this, but when the parrot started squawking, that’s when she lost it totally.

I do have to admit that I never saw Mary Ellen actually attack the bird, though once it was over both of the dogs and the cat were silent, transfixed on the carnage. That’s when I supposed their blood lust kicked in and suddenly they all turned on each other with Mary Ellen in the middle.

What could’ve made the animals behave in such a manner? What made Mary Ellen freak out? And why attack a parrot that she had grown to know and love and occasionally take to bed with her?

Yes, It was a strange sight to walk in on her and the parrot when I came home. Her cooing and the parrots squawking was unsettling to say the least. To hear Mary Ellen talking in her sleep, offering a cracker to the parrot was gut wrenching. I turned and shuffled and slept with the dogs and the cat.

At least I felt welcome there.

I should have seen the signs, yet it seemed all so innocent. I’ve seen people take parrots out on the street, exotic birds and what have you, but I’d never seen anyone go to the bathroom with a parrot on their shoulder. Not even in pirate movies.

I must’ve been blind when the night that was supposed to be ‘our’ night at the movies turned out to have been orchestrated by the parrot. So much so that Mary Ellen smuggled the parrot in her bag and when the lights went down she propped him on her shoulder and fed him popcorn that I had paid for. I could’ve made a fuss when she insisted on no butter or salt and the older popcorn would be fine rather than the freshly popped.

But I just kept my mouth shut. I sat on her right and the parrot had the left side. Thankfully no one sat behind us, but towards the end of the film, the usher shined a flashlight at the parrot and we had to make a hasty exit. To this day, I have no idea how the Passion of the Christ ended.

The parrot shit nearly hit the fan though when Mary Ellen brought the parrot to church one Sunday morning. When she approached the altar for communion with the parrot on her shoulder and insisted on a wafer for the bird, I could’ve sworn the priest was going to throw her and the parrot out right then and there. But he gave the parrot some Eucharist and they walked right back to their pew. The parrot turned it’s head and said ‘Body of Christ Squawk’ for at least a half hour.

And now, there’s no parrot, just Mary Ellen, two dogs and a cat all covered with the blood of a parrot. And cracker crumbs that I have to clean up.