Mind is racing a hundred miles an hour. Perhaps scientifically it’s more than that. Once again I underachieve. Work is of course nuts. Hasn’t gotten any better since Bleedin’ Hope’s departure. I wasn’t sure if she jumped or was she pushed, but odds are she jumped.

Interesting occurrences lately.

Bill was over the other night, and asked me how my day was. I tell him basically, “Zelzoyh this, Zelzoyh that…” He asks me her last name, I say “Schaffer” He starts yelling like he is known to do when he gets overly excited. He goes off on the fact that she worked with him at the law firm.

‘Oh my GOD! You work with Zelzoy Schaffer? Oh my GOD!” “Oh, you know her?” I ask. “She used to work with me at the law firm! I worked with her once and that was all I needed to know that this bitch was nuts!” He goes on and on about how her desk was so organized like a Feng Sui doing a Feng Sui.

“And she had the attitude like she was above us all.” “Like a real princess eh? Like her shit didn’t smell?” “YES!” Bill springs into action, and starts calling some of his girlfriends that he works with, mostly leaving voice mails. Within minutes one of them calls back.

Bill sits on the couch. “Hey, Marcia. Yeah. D’you remember that chick that used to work on 48? Name started with a Z?” I can hear static voice on the other end. “Does the name Zelzoy sound familiar? It does? Well guess what…?”

Bill starts to tell Marcia about where she is now, and who she is bothering now. “Yeah. She works with my partner, John at an Investment Bank. She’s pulling the same shit all over again.”

Turns out Zelzoy worked on Bill’s floor and forced another legal secretary out due to some power struggle. I tell you the woman is nuts. There is a pattern here and I’m sure the scissors are heading down towards my dotted lines.

I decide to get some info on her and drop a name at work the next day. I tell my friend Brenda who is nestled in the nest of vipers’ known as administrative assistants, “I’m having drinks after work with Diane Long from the law firm after work. Wanna come?” I say winking.

Brenda, playing along, plays ambivalent. “I’ll let you know.”,she says as I turn and walk away. Apparently when I walked away, Zelzoy lost her cool. Lost her cool enough to claim that I’m harassing her. Really lost her cool enough to call the “law firm” and speak with someone who claims, “you are such a good worker Zelzoy. We’d be happy to have you back.” On the speaker phone for most everyone to hear. All because I mention the name of someone she used to work with and who didn’t like her.

Harassment? For saying I’m having drinks with someone after work? Pish posh I say.
She is quite insane. The thing that really gets me is the fact that I’ve been working at this firm for over three years. She hasn’t been there three months and she has the office caught in her power struggle with me.

The really strange thing is I wasn’t in a power struggle. It started with me commenting on the fact that she never says Hello. That set her off calling me unprofessional. Then everything started being stacked against me.

I didn’t make any rude jokes. I didn’t show any rude photos. No email jokes at all. She lied to the wombus and bleedin Hope and they started stacking. I spoke with John McGruff the president of the company about her and he did have a meeting with her, but since then it has gotten quite worse.

Man I am so sick about writing about these people. They are getting depressing. I can only imagine how you feel. No really, I can only imagine.

My arms, they are so tired. My legs are so swollen. If it wasn’t for this product I don’t know how I’d feel.

“What the hell kind of advertising is that?” Melanie asked. I really had no idea what to tell her. It all came to me in the middle of the night. She didn’t know where I was coming from and frankly, neither did I. There’s really no excuse for this.

“What were you thinking? Or more exactly, what were you drinking?” Now that hit too close to home. To tell me my copy was poor is one thing, but to accuse me of being drunk while writing is totally another and I did not like it one bit.

“You Melanie, of all people should know I can’t drink.” “Well I realized I shouldn’t have said it once I had said it. And for that I’m sorry, Paul.” I was determined to comeup with the best slogan but I had no idea where to begin.

And I didn’t know what the product was either. Big drawback.

The first rule in advertising is to know your product. I think it’s rule number one, but I’m not too sure. More than likely it’s in the top five, or at the very least, top ten. But I don’t know where the rulebook is and I’m not one to actually follow rules anyhow.

“Paul, I’ll just let you think about this for awhile. Obviously you’re under a lot of stress…” Not that she’s the one who doles out the stress. By the ton. She got up and left my office.

Susan my assistant was lurking by the door. “Paul? Do you need anything?” “Not right now Susan, thanks.”

Susan was really the one who has all the best ideas. But for the past few weeks she’s been preoccupied by dairy products, specifically butter and milk. The top of her desk was covered with reports from the Diary Council. Apparently she’s on a mission to convert the office to the wonders of soy.

“Well I’m going to get a Soy Latte and if you’d like I’ll get you one.” “Ah no thanks Susan.” Awfully nice, but if I asked her to get me a regular coffee with milk, she’d go all soy on me. So I take a pass.

This product. What is it? What does it do? What do I want it to do? I have no idea. I don’t even know what the thing looks like. Is it sharp? Is it dull? Is it for women? For men?

No clue.

I try to make a list of celebrities we might get to endorse it, but I’m sure they’d like to know what it is, and would it be helpful or harmful to their careers.

It came to me. I know what it is. It’s air. We’ll sell air. Nobody thought that you could bottle water and sell it, and now look at that industry. There was the fad a few years ago, of oxygen bars, but that didn’t last too long.

Perhaps one day as you stroll down the supermarket aisle, next to the bottles of Poland Spring and Fuji water, you can buy bottles of air. Or even flavored air.

I immediately set to work.