Category Archives: WTF

I Don’t Hurt Anymore

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Right now at the cigar shop I am playing Elvis Costello & the Attractions, Armed Forces. Hard to believe that album is 31 years old. I remember playing it so much that my brother Brian said that I would soon be tired of it. That wasn’t true, but it was replaced by other music and bands back then.

Every week it seemed there was something new and exciting being released and surely something followed that caught and captured my imagination. Today nothing really captures my imagination and certainly working in the cigar shop having an imagination is a detriment.

Today was working with the possum and the old lady Jerry Vale. They seemed to get along quite well and I suppose Thomas and I make a good opposing team. It hasn’t been too busy but the sales have been quite good. I am thisclose to breaking $2000.00 but if I don’t make it, I will be happy with the sales numbers that I got.

The possum was itself today, glasses free and showing those beady little eyes it has. The old lady just stands around telling tales of yesterday, being a footloose youth in the 1970’s in Manhattan. Seeing this one and that one wherever and whenever.

When not telling tales of yore the old stands around hands clasped in front, or behind and occasionally humming along like an old washerwoman. Sunday’s Best just played and the line ‘Blame it all upon the darkie’ (sang satirically of course) was heard by myself and not the two people of color buying cigars for the evening. She wanted a big cigar and he opted for the thinner, more lady like cigar. whatever works I suppose.

The old lady hums along to Chemistry Class by Elvis and Co and he is certainly way off the naval base with that one. The lovely couple who bought the cigars have just put me over my goal so I am relatively content. No the old lady whistles. Most annoying, hands in pockets and doing her best to gain an inch or two in height.

Hard to believe but I have to work again with these two characters. I can easily understand how some managerial types are fond of the drink, I can see how it gets them through the day. The line between happy drunk and angry drunk is much too narrow and I would more than likely injure someone, if not myself.

I would not mind something bad to befall Christophe Sigmond, extraordinaire trou du cul. His glutes were not kissed the way he prefers and since I would not open up a new box of cigars for him he decided he did not like my attitude. I apologized and that just made him angrier.

I deferred to him totally, making sure he had enough rope but it wasn’t enough. He remarked he didn’t like my intonation to which I replied that intonation was overrated.So perhaps the powers that be will hear of my transgression and I am sure I might eventually hear it from Zack.

The safe was short some money tonight and I know for sure it wasn’t me since the first time I went into the safe was went I went to count at the end of the day. Old lady Jerry Vale certainly did not since he’s just a part timer so it must have been the possum. The possum who’s drawer always comes up short.

Well tonight it was over which explained why the safe was short. He was insinuating a week or so ago that it might be Jerry vale’s fault why his drawer kept coming up short. I think the possum doth protest too much.





I Don’t Do Gentle

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Oh yes, it was the day from hell. And it started out in the hellish manner before I even left Hoboken. I wait for the bus and nine times out of ten I am the one who flags down the bus. Most of the other people at my bus stop are way too involved with their iPhones and their smartphones.

You would think the bus driver (who I like and just got back from his vacation) would pull up to the person who flagged the bus, but no. He stops the bus wherever there is a young woman standing. It annoyed me enough that I just let everyone else get on the bus before me, including people who don’t know how much the commute is or lack the exact change necessary.

And of course once those people, about ten of them, got on the bus all of the good seats were taken leaving me to sit on top of the wheel well. It was the first of many things that happened. Bill was off today so that he could work the load in for the show that opens later this week. That meant no calling Bill for support or just to hear his voice, letting me know that he is there for me.

I soldiered on, not looking forward to working alongside the Possum. Sure enough there was the Possum on the phone when I walked into the cigar shack. Another scheduling debacle. Calvin was in the office which is where he spends most of his time lately. Jerry Vale was due in later in the day.

It was another slow day, not much business. Calvin mentioned that the sales for last month were lower than the previous year and the way things have been lately, October does not bode well either.

A customer came in today, I recognized him from being in the cigar shack on Sunday. He was returning the $395.00 lighter he bought on Sunday, he wanted a torch lighter after all, and the one he bought was a soft flame. I remember Thomas selling it to this guy.

The possum stepped up and offered to take care of the return and I thanked him and set about helping another customer. When an item is returned, the return falls to the sales associate, in this case it would be Thomas. The Possum made the return mine and on the tally for a good part of the day, I had about 20 sales, but only $9.69 in my column thanks to the refund which should have gone to Thomas. By the time I found out, it was too late to do anything about it.

Another customer came in with a return as well, and I recognized it as my sale. It was a key chain that a forgetful daughter bought for her father’s birthday at the last minute. The mother came in as a favor for her daughter, all the way from Rockland County.

I was going through the motions of the return and asked if the mother had the credit card. She said no, that I should credit her account since she pays the daughter’s credit card bills all the time. I told her we couldn’t do that. So she frantically tried calling her daughter, texting her daughter, all the while nervous about the time left on her parking meter.

She also did not believe me that we can get cellphone signals in the cigar shack. She went outside and came back in, telling me that her daughter just texted her about something unrelated so she was going to text the daughter to call back ASPCA. You read that right. I finished the return and immediately wrote that one down.

The day plodded forward, the Possum stealing a customer from me, I in turn stole a customer from him. I did not ask how he liked them apples, but did hope he would choke on one.