988. That’s the number to call. Suicide and Crisis hotline. I was in crisis today. I called and spoke with MoDee. She was in California. It was good that I called. It was a rough day.

The Legume and I, the thaw I thought we had on Monday was just a mirage. Things are still awkward. Does the Legume realize I am being railroaded? Is railroaded the correct term?

Regardless, MoDee was most helpful. She listened to me and it really helped. So much that as I was talking to her a great weight felt lifted from my shoulders again. I did call 988 earlier this year and that was helpful but I did not pursue the suggestion that I seek therapy.

It’s funny, I do have friends, but not the type of friends where I can sit and talk to them about what’s on my mind. I’m sure they have things on their mind as well.

I posted previously about lunch with Nancy and Bob. Of course, that’s not their real names. During the lunch I mentioned that I had been having problems with depression and the look on their faces said a lot, basically, ‘We’re not THAT type of friends’.

Years ago when I did ‘do’ therapy I had friends that said ‘Why are you going to therapy? Don’t you know you can always talk to me? But those friends can’t provide objectivity and that is a major part of therapy.

Sometimes it’s a frustrating part. You talk to the therapist but you don’t get any feedback. MoDee suggested some physical things I can do, such as placing my right thumb on the right collarbone and the index and middle finger on the left collarbone. It seemed to work.

I was at work talking on my desk phone from about 5:00 PM with MoDee till about 5:25 PM. Right now I do not feel heavy, not laden with work problems, and also dreading the upcoming election which can involve terrifying thoughts. It’s been relentless.

Bill is great but tonight Bill is on the road again. He hates to see me like this and I hate to be like this. I certainly do not want to tell him how I am feeling when he is far away and unable to help. Once again if he were here I could and would focus on him, diverting my attention away from myself.

It’s these moments when I despair. But not tonight. I did have a sandwich which helped put away those blues. Bill does notice that I seem so much better once I have eaten. I guess that’s the same for anyone, hence the slang term, ‘hangry’. Angry when hungry.

Now I sit in the apartment, having done my laundry. That means my clothes will be hanging on racks and hangers for the next 36 hours. I’ve even turned on the heater to aid in the process and that makes the apartment quite humid, yet lemony fresh.

That’s all I got for tonight. Tomorrow is a bicycle day. That clears the head as well. And that is good.

So now he’s the Legume. He resembles a bean. And he’s getting fatter. Not that I am in tip-top shape but I see how he hustles to and fro, waddling here and there, sometimes out of breath, sometimes sweaty. Always with the ‘yeah yeah yeah’. Like Cigar Shack Zack used to say ‘Exactly’ all the damn time and would follow it with a chuckle to cover his ass, this one is ‘yeah yeah yeah’ in a voice that carries.

Regarding the Legume, I’m reluctant to say what I told Cary Bell at John’s Bar years ago. I met Cary Bell at John’s Bar after responding to a Village Voice personal ad in the 1990’s. We didn’t connect but sat for a while and talked.

He was married to a woman for about 20 years. It was a loveless marriage, with three kids. Two older kids and one younger kid. I was hit by a bolt of righteousness. Cary was a decade or two older than me and in the closet. I told him, ‘You have more days behind you than ahead of you. Why would you want to maintain a lie? You should live your life.’

We exchanged numbers and I didn’t expect to hear from him again. After all, It was pleasant but there was no connection. A few days later, Cary called. He told me he took my words to heart and came out to his wife who was filing for divorce, and his children.

He told me the two older children were fine with it, the youngest had a problem. He was relieved and told me that a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. I never heard from him again but I have seen his online presence and he seems to be doing alright or was doing alright. At least I hope so.

Today was mediocre at best. The backward baseball hat wearing Bro in the mailroom did my tasks yesterday which was quite easy to do. I handled everything today and was done before noon again.

There are 3 methods to check the volume of work that I do. One is the folder with the PDFs that I print, fold, and make origami with. There is the Force Sales queue from which I create the PDFs. And there are the physical products that I manufacture out of thin air.

I ‘x’ the pdf folder and set the Force Sales to be approved (but not cleared yet) and the pile of kits. This is what confused Schlomo the DKB saying it takes the same amount of time to do A and to do B.

I didn’t understand at the time but then I figured it out. The man is a moron. I explained what he was seeing but he did not want to hear it and insisted he was right. He accused me of stretching out the work all day. So now I get it done as soon as possible and sit around for work to come through in drips and drabs.

Now that I am actively seeking new employment I really do not care a bit about what they might think. I do know the majority are dumb.