Jeez. Such pain, such exhaustion. Work was nearly a meltdown. Just so many people wanting things from me which I have to give, tasks, supplies, phone numbers, conference rooms among others. And give I do. I need a break and I need a new job. I should take a break before I get a new job. That is if a new job ever materializes.

Bill and I made plans to see Dave Chapelle’s Block Party tonight. I was into it, and then I wasn’t into it. Last night I mentioned I’d rather see the movie next week and Bill was cool with that. He was going to the Bronx tonight and his parents tomorrow night so I wasn’t going to see him until Friday. I understand that 48 hours is no big deal and it really isn’t. But with the day I was going through I needed to see him, to be with him, so I suggested seeing the movie as originally planned. Tonight.

I knew it would entail sitting in the dark and not talking to each other but I needed some comfort, some hand to hold mine and perhaps tell me everything was going to be ok. I walked down to 42nd street to meet him and he was happy to see me. I was pissed off since people weren’t walking the way I wanted them to walk and kept breaking my stride. After the day I had, the little things became big things. Oh how a joint would’ve helped. Or a drink, or something to alter my consciousness.

I saw Bill and he knew how I was. I mentioned my libido, which is out of control yet under control. So friggin horny lately and not doing anything about it. And there have been quite a few men that trigger the libido. Not doing anything at all about it. An attempt at being master of my domain.

Bill didn’t seem to want to hear it. He brought up the old try/do situation and it started to break down into semantics. And of course that led to a few words and ended with me shutting down. I was exhausted from the day and not sleeping properly (writing this while a fucking commercial for Lunesta plays in the background).

I know Bill was really into seeing the movie and I didn’t want to ruin it for him but probably affected his enjoyment through my passive aggressive behavior.

I probably should’ve eaten something but didn’t. Just became morose. The big theatre was empty as we took our seats and by the time the movie started maybe a dozen people were seated. Don’t ask me how the movie was. I couldn’t focus. Having difficulty focusing on big screens for the past couple of years. I mean, the movie was ok, but I was in discomfort in my mind and body. The job has been stressing bodily functions, and I was getting a headache from lack of food and my mind was distressed over the fact that I couldn’t get from Bill what I wanted to hear.

Oh my own personal hell, how nice. I sat through the movie, wanting to go to the bathroom, but just couldn’t bring myself to walk out during the showing. So I sat and got more uncomfortable. I don’t know why. I wasn’t terribly engrossed. I even tried to close my eyes and catch some sleep but there’s a lot of rap music playing, which doesn’t really lend itself to soothing, relaxing sounds.

There were some scenes of Dave Chapelle in Ohio, his hometown and I felt I wanted to be there in Ohio. Not New York, not New Jersey. Ohio. Like I’d last more than a month there. The novelty of living out there would probably wear off after awhile, and it’s a red state anyway.

After the movie I went to the bathroom, which filled up and caused me to be pee shy. So like I usually do, I feigned peeing and walked out and waited for the men’s room to empty. Once it did I was able to pee with no pressure except for the pressure on my bladder.

I walked Bill to the 2 train so he can head to the Bronx. We talked and Bill was supportive and understanding. I was tired and felt like I was losing my mind. Hungry from lack of food, tired from the day I told him about how I felt everything was out of control and how I felt like I was losing my mind.

We hugged and parted ways after a few minutes. I did luck out and caught a bus but of course that wasn’t comfortable since I was wedged into the last seat on a crowded bus. Julio called while I was on the bus and asked me something. He said something about a repeat and I thought he was talking about me. He was talking about the TV show, Lost.

Some sort of irony.

Now I’m home, I’ve eaten, I’m alone and I’m tired. I know Bill will be back in a day or two.

I’m just so exhausted.

Ok. Not a day to write about but things being what they are, I feel obliged. I had a better attitude today that’s for sure. Appreciating Matt the temp a lot. Cool kid. Lives under Webster Hall. Has a cabaret act at Don’t Tell Mama this month. Also has a blog, which I linked to. Film reviews. Nice style. We had a talk about Brokeback Mountain and I played the soundtrack, which started to bum me out.

The song by Teddy Thompson is great. I put his two albums in my shopping cart at Itunes. Of course he’s down with the Wainwrights. I think he used to go out with Martha. He’s the son of Richard and Linda Thompson. Oh these children of talented parents. I try not to get jealous.

I also recommend David Rakoff’s ‘Don’t Get Too Comfortable’. It’s almost as good as his first book, ‘Fraud’. Wandered around midtown for lunch. Nowhere in particular. Instead of the east side I went west. Exotic. Just to get away from the office. It wasn’t so bad out. Had the Ipod going and walking in the sun. Quite nice.

The other day, Sunday, I was on line at Hoboken Bagels, getting the usual when who is online in front of me? Senator Menendez, who replaced Corzine, when Corzine became governor. I didn’t say anything to him, some customers were deferential, not me. I sent him a nasty email telling him off after he sided with the credit card companies with the bill that makes personal bankruptcy difficult. I was fierce and rude. I told him a great majority of his constituents fall into that category. I’m sure he never saw it, though it’s possible since he was Representative Menendez then.

I also didn’t to trip him on the way out since he was heading down to Belmar to march in Belmar’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. He announced this before he left the bagel store. What a hard working politician. Walk down the street and wave at the people you’ve screwed.

My loins are behaving like spring is here. Why not, the weather’s been so wacky or rather nutty, that the trees are budding. I think it’s happening all over the metro area. The men are getting better looking and bears are coming out of hibernation. And the amount of hits that I’ve been getting are a lot more than usual, which means I’m getting hits. It’s flattering for sure, but then again nonexistent since this is the Internet after all.

I was talking to a fellow blogger Rod and he mentioned that since the Internet most guys (read: gay guys) tend to see sex as an all you can eat salad bar at Wendy’s. That’s almost a direct quote. It’s true. A lot of guys do. Sometimes I’m in the main chat room at gay.com and it’s cock cock cock. Oh my. Then Juan and I will disrupt the natural order of things with our surreal repertoire.

So I am home. I am not the master of my domain. That ended a few days after I wrote it. I’m not complaining. I will be master of my domain once again, maybe next fall. It was Philip Beansprouts’ suggestion anyhow. Oh this frustration.