Category Archives: Communication Breakdowns

I Know It’s Over

Today was a day from purgatory. Not heaven, nor hell, but that place in the middle according to catholic doctrine. Very convenient. The phone and voice mail fiasco continued last night. I was apprehensive to come home last night, rather than deal with Bill and whatever mood he might have been in after his day and mine. And sure enough he was in not much of a mood, very subdued. I was quite subdued too. But he only stayed awake for a few minutes, giving me a perfunctory kiss good night which I reciprocated.

I stayed up some more, watched some TV and eventually went to bed. But I made a point of kissing Bill’s sleeping head before I fell asleep. Had an interesting dream about Julio and I meeting up in an 99 cent shop on Main Street in Lodi. It was a weird dream which featured the old Lodi that I grew up in.

I woke up about an hour earlier than usual, surprised to find Bill gone, surprised there was no farewell kiss. I walked to the bathroom and sent him a text saying that I missed him and would call him when I got to the cigar shack area. No phone call while waiting for the bus, still I texted him, telling him I missed him.

When I got to the cigar shack area, I called him and got a voice mail stating that he would be away from his desk from 9:00 to about 4:15, attending some function that his law firm was having. I suppose this was his way of showing me how I send people to Siberia, and now it was my turn, as if my father never did that to me. I guess 8 years really didn’t count hanging out with Solzhenitsyn.

The man cave at the cigar shack was still shut down, Jerry Vale came in early to allow some guys to crawl through the vents to see if they were open and operating properly. They seemed to be on our end but also needed to check out a neighbor’s vent. So Jerry Vale called the neighbor who flatly refused a 10 minute look see to check on the input and outputs. So the man cave was closed and sales had dropped considerably.

Zack would be tearing his hair out in the office but Zack is bald so there is nothing to pull out. Lawyers are now involved. The cigar shack lawyers, the neighbor’s lawyer and the landlord’s lawyers. It is now officially complicated.

And on another level, I still haven’t heard from the rival cigar shack that I met with. Thanks Freddy Herko. I try to remain hopeful and via a Woody Allen paraphrase, quoting Emily Dickinson, ‘Hope is the thing with feathers’. I am losing feathers. Even Jimmy Seltzer helped with a bolstering of spirits but those reserves are dwindling. Tomorrow is a day off so I am greatly looking forward to it.

It was sweet, both Thomas and Jerry Vale seemed concerned for my well being.


driving and texting


more driving and texting




11 Searchin’

I Honestly Love You

Bitter!

Now I am home. It’s a Thursday evening and it has been a long day. Up at 7:30, at the bus stop at 8:30 and in the cigar shack at 9:30. I got through alright, after a few decisions on how to get through the day. Some Facebook friends were dropped.

Didn’t need to deal with their shit anymore since I usually have to deal with their shit face to face. Now it’s only face to face, no phoniness. Its more ‘professional’ wouldn’t you say? The day was slow enough and also had an empty promise that was repeated from yesterday.

I didn’t believe it then and I didn’t believe it today. I have also decided not to give any sales away, even after I hit my personal goal. I used to do it but since no one else does it, so why should I? From now on it will be all mine. I couldn’t really expect others to do what I do.

That would be impossible I guess and unfair to them. It’s a burden, such a burden, oh what a burden to be so relied upon. You can thank Brian Eno for that line, or rather, I can thank Brian Eno.

I was aloof most of the day, while friendly and sociable. I guess I am that way right now. Bill is sitting behind me watching Lawn hors d’œuvre on his iPad and I sit here in front of the computer with my back to him. He offered to turn on the TV but he’s in the middle of his show and whatever I wanted to watch is being recorded so I can watch it anytime.

So the only sound is Sam Waterson & Carey Lowell talking about a case. A deal is struck, the ominous closing music is playing as Waterson & Lowell close the show. Bill probably has another episode on schedule I’m sure. He just turned on 30 Rock and I just turned down the volume instead of listening to the last 6 minutes.

Yeah I’m ambivalent tonight. Tomorrow is a day off and you know what? I really don’t care. Pathetic isn’t it? And it has been quite a struggle to write this much so far. Nothing to write about really. Not that there ever is.

I’ve slowly started looking for a new job again. Nothing major, just an email to useless staffing agencies. One out of three responded to my email. I try to send an email every couple of weeks but I am sure I have been binned.

No response makes me feel like I am a hopeless case. The longer I am out of the office environment means it will be more difficult to get back into that situation. In June I will have been at the cigar shack for 2 years. Nothing to be proud of I’m afraid.

Yes it’s a job and yes I am grateful to have a job but it is stressful. Sell sell sell all the time. No sitting down, which more than likely accounts for the weight I have lost. I haven’t needed to unfasten my trousers when I take them off in about a year. I remove my braces and can easily slide right out of them. What an accomplishment!

That’s it. I hit over 500 words for today. No mas.




08 No Clocks