2 minutes left in the morning of January 22nd, 2026. I just had the realization that probably because I was such a lousy, thoughtless, and selfish lover, could be why I’m still alive today. Granted, I’m paying the price for it now with lotion and a right hand, but I am able to be alive. The hope that spring eternal has run dry, at least the well of Hope

So far, I’ve only spoken to Bill and or Mike when we’re face to face, at least the past 24 hours. I find that lately, in the past 24 hours, I’m happiest when I’m at work. It helps that it’s a good job, easy, and I like the people I work with.

So I carried hope for 15 years with regards to Bill, and I guess now we’re companions, literally Bert and Ernie. With the same useful genitalia as those Muppets

I readily admit my idiocy when it comes to sexuality and Bill. It was a happy Pollyanna-like existence in the past 15 years or so. Ignorance is bliss, and I was quite blissful. Now that the bandage has been ripped off, I see things as they are.

No one wants to be alone, I know I don’t, and I know Bill doesn’t, so this is where we are- companions.

Passing by Xavier High School with bus number two outside, and I remembered I used to take bus number two from grammar School 50 years ag,o holy fuck.

And in my desperation or need to speak to somebody, I’ve been confiding in Marcus, and I’m not sure if that’s something, although he has told me that what was said was confidential, but still there’s doubt and or paranoia involved.

Now I find myself at the spot where 7 months ago there was much happiness with Bill, Mike, and me for the parade. Now the trees are barren, it is cold out, and I am alone. Bill and Mike are supposed to talk today about whatever it is they want to talk about, will I be brought up, who knows yet, think I would be, but with two narcissists who can tell?

I like wool hats, especially when it’s very cold. I have been very cold lately, but when I wear a wool hat, it gets wet with sweat, so I left it on the heater a little too long, and the wool hat was fried. So today I went around on my lunch break, I bought a new hat which was a good price, $10.

Otherwise, it’s not that cold in the 40s, I assume, but they are anticipating a major snowstorm this weekend. I’ve heard 16 inches expected to fall. Mike is coming over, or so he says, but we know how that goes. I told Bill that I don’t care if he does or not. I’m not going to encourage or discourage a visit.

Walking around, I heard Madonna singing Holiday and now that song has taken residence in my head.

Thankfully, that was overtaken by Siouxsie and the Banshees, Switch from their first album, The Scream. That LP and the Ramones’ first album was the soundtrack for returning to North NJ from the Village in Laszlo Papp’s Plymouth Charger in the early 80s.

I’m sure I’ve written about Laszlo in the past. Another HBJ name and an influence on my life, somehow… we shared September 12 for our birthdays.

Monday, December 22, 2025

Winter has arrived officially, and all the autumn lovers are silent. Darlene Love sings Marshmallow World. Well, sang actually. Now I am playing Scritti Politti, ‘White Bread Black Beer’.

It’s been a good weekend. Mike came over on Saturday, and it’s been good. He returns to his crib tomorrow. We sat around and talked, Bill, Mike & me on Saturday. Good talk, though, about what I couldn’t remember right now. More than likely, it was about theater and plays, and show business.

Sunday had Bill sitting at home while Mike and I walked around Hoboken. We looked at plants and went to the 503 Social Club, which had an art exhibit with various artists in Hoboken and some musicians playing. It was brief, and then we walked up past Frank Sinatra’s birthplace to the really big supermarket.

We came home, had some frozen pizza, and watched One Battle After Another by Paul Thomas Anderson. Bill and I watched, Mike was preoccupied with his phone. That used to bother us, but it doesn’t anymore. Leonardo DiCaprio and Sean Penn, with a great supporting cast. I can see why it made the top spot for a few film critics end of the year poll.

Mike got Bill and me nice Christmas cards with handwritten notes in them. Heartfelt and touching, they hang on the door to the apartment in place of a wreath. Bill was off on the road for a day trip, and Mike and I headed into the city. We are planning on going to Garfield on Thursday for Christmas dinner with Elaine. Very much the same as Thanksgiving, only this time Brady won’t be there.

Brady was a dog that was given to my niece Corinne by her ex-boyfriend. They split up, and she got the dog. Corinne moved to Colorado and was going to take Brady with he,r but her father, my brother Frank, talked her out of it since he had become so attached to Brady.

Frank and Brady were pals until Frank died, and then Brady became Elaine’s responsibility. Elaine did well, taking excellent care of Brady up until yesterday, Sunday. Brady was 98 in human years, and his kidneys were not functioning. Elaine knew what had to be done and scheduled it for today, but things took a turn on Sunday, so Brady shed his mortal coil on the first day of winter.

Elaine is understandably sad, and perhaps having company over this week might help lift her spirits or distract her from them.

So I bought a gift for my grand niece, Shelby, and picked it up with Mike. We picked up lunch, which we ate in my office. I didn’t have to be there and didn’t expect to see anyone. But Jimmy Chile was i,n and we exchanged holiday greetings before heading out once again in the cold.

There has been a plan to have Mike here for New Year’s, but tonight he talked with his beloved, who said he was going to try to fly here during those days. Mike has little faith in it actually happening, but knowing it might be a possibility gave me the blues. That Irish thing, where you have had a great time and all it takes, in this case, was a remote suggestion to sadden me.

And I recognize the bullshit since Mike is not mine, I do like having him here, as does Bil,l and in my mind palace plans were made and suddenly shaken up by something that could very well not happen. I do love Mike, but I am not in love with him.