So far this has been a bleak holiday season. Yesterday Bill was down in the dumps and the way things have been going lately, today is my turn. I woke up to an empty apartment and looked out the window to near white-out conditions due to a snow shower. That more than likely meant I would be housebound.

Bill was up and out and at the gym on the upper west side of Manhattan at 80th Street. Despite several New York Sports Clubs (NYSC) between the apartment and west 80th Street that is the location he goes to. According to online sources, there’s a lot of action in the steam room and sauna.

I can’t say that is why he goes to that particular one but according to the ancient, unspoken rules to our 98% relationship, if he ain’t getting it from me, he’s free to go elsewhere. Don’t ask don’t tell would be the theme to all that. And since it’s been over 15 years, well you can figure it out if you’re so inclined.

It has been 15 years since I last hooked up with anyone, the last time was just so awful that I had decided to give it up. I can take care of things myself and reality could never match the 15-minute fantasy in my head. I took a shower and had some coffee that Bill made before he went to the NYSC.

I puttered around, watching the holiday morning shows and not feeling any holiday cheer at all. Then again being alone my empathy is nonexistent since there is no one to empathize with. I did try to be moved by whatever festive spectacle was before me but there was no connection.

After an hour or two I went to lay down, TV off, phone on Do Not Disturb but that was impossible due to the coffee and my simmering bitterness for the place I worked at and the people I worked with. Lying there on the bed in the dark, I thought of different things to write, each one seemingly strong, powerful, and bitter.

Bill texted he was coming home and asked if I wanted a breakfast sandwich or a bagel. I said no thank you. Yesterday when I went to the supermarket I asked Bill before I left if he needed anything and he said no. I still got him some items because that is how I am.

I do not think Bill will be coming home with anything for me since that is how he is. He does occasionally buy some chocolate confections when in the city and will bring them home though last time he took a photo of an empty shelf to show what he usually gets me was unavailable.

There were some items that would have been nice to get but that is not how he is. He would rather take a photo to show me that he is not getting me anything. And I suppose that’s alright since that is how it goes. I take it for granted that Bill doesn’t read this here blog that often and I am guessing that he will not read this.

He certainly doesn’t comment so I have no idea. He hasn’t mentioned it in a few weeks. I do like support and feedback but that is not coming. Google Maps shows him outside the building and I can hear his leaden feet climbing the stairs. And I was right.

There was no ‘I know you said you didn’t want anything but I got you something anyway’. Damn, I’m good at getting things for someone who said they didn’t want anything and it seems I am good at predictions. Doesn’t work with lottery numbers though. C’est fucking la vie.