Wednesday, February 25. Woke up to a snowstorm outside the window. I wanted to stay in bed, but that was not going to happen. I walked through the apartment, and Bill was up already. I showered and was out the door in my usual time and manner.

Yancy was scheduled to be in the office this morning so I was prepared only to find that he was not coming in. One less thing to worry about. Edu and Adam just arrived, musicians for a session this afternoon. Nice guys.

Another error popped up due to my early morning incomprehension. Yancy has called me out on it and will be mentioned during the Friday morning reception meeting at the major fruit stand. Not looking forward to it, but I have no choice. At least I get some extra sleep since I don’t have to appear until 9 AM.

I really need to slow down and read things carefully. Just because I thought I did doesn’t mean that I had. Anxiety and apprehension once again haunt me. Perhaps I have been letting things slide. I need to focus more. I thought I was, but apparently I haven’t.

So much bullshit is going on right now, no relief in sight. And the treacherous walk to the PATH train provides uneasy steps to the gallows in my mind. Bill is scheduled to be on the road once again from Thursday to Monday or Tuesday.

Am I an idiot? I think about my regrets too often, and then I think about people who say they have no regrets and have to think, what the fuck is up with that? I don’t believe anyone has any regrets or anyone has no regrets, actually. That is no way to live a life, I think of coffee pots, I think of my mother, I think of things I said, I think of things I’ve done, I think of things I didn’t do.

And it all leads me to this present moment, and I’m sitting in the bathroom at home after an arduous day, which wasn’t so bad; most of them were mountains made out of mole hills in my mind. It’s an easy-going job, and the site is greater and upsets the House of Cards that I built. Let’s face it, it’s fucked up, but I made it home in one piece. Some people don’t even get that, and I am grateful that I have made it home in one piece.

The Hoboken that I moved to is long gone. The people that I was friends with from back then have moved on, or I’m no longer friends with them and would rather not have anything to do with me, probably because they realize I’m an idiot and say some untoward things, which usually after I say it immediately regret saying it.

I am tired, more mental than physical, though I am sure the two will be synced up soon enough. A little bit too much drama today. And over the next two days, more will be expected.