Wednesday night, 44°, malaise in the air. Both inside and outside my head unease abounds. I wrote the previous two posts for this here blog earlier in the day. The first day I found myself prepared to write at night only to remember I had written already. Last night I was not affected by a need to post. Today it’s relatively later than Monday or Tuesday.

There was a manic high recently but that seems so long ago. Today despair was on the horizon. I must remember not to be baring my soul to Bill or Mike on the phone. Bill needs to focus on his work and Mike does not know how to handle my mercurial moods and would rather not. I can’t blame him.

Back in the day, hanging out with Julio or Pedro, both knew how to deal with me. But I don’t think I was of the same mindset that I am nowadays. Things really were carefree. I suppose it was life in Weehawken, 30 years ago.

So here I am today. Bill has figured out how to deal with me. When he’s here or when Mike is here, I am fine. I focus on them. Alone time ruins me. I did some walking this afternoon. Considerably colder than the past few days.

Everything is too familiar when walking alone in Hoboken. Mike just takes it all in, commentary and all, whereas Bill and I converse. Mike asks questions when we’re home. He also sees things that Bill & I overlook.

A few weeks ago Bill, Mike and I went to the really big supermarket in town. As usual Bill and I go in different directions with Mike alternating between us and getting his own stuff. This particular day Bill and I had to go to the courtesy counter to fix and overcharge, Bill about 20 feet ahead.

I passed a large, handsome man in sweats. Apparently, Bill or I yelled to each other, saying ‘Babe…’ Mike noticed a look of disdain for the affection we stated on the large, handsome man in sweats. We were oblivious and I secretly thought the large, handsome man in sweats was on the down low. Perhaps it was wishful thinking.

So many things to say, so few ears to say them to. That’s a riddle that will confound me years from now, if there are years from now. Things to say to Bill who I know does not want to talk about. Thorny issues. In 2005 I would have posted about it, so fearless I was back then. Today I clutch the pearls at such a thought.

Bill is on his way home and I have a lecture given by Green Gartside of Scritti Politti, on YouTube and casting to my TV playing at the moment. I’ve been sleeping well so that’s something.

I still am astounded that I am 62, born in 62 and stand at 6’2”.It’s a handicap when looking for work these days. Such ageism.

And L’Orange Merde and his ilk are destroying the country.