Monthly Archives: January 2025

Prior to the show

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Tuesday. It is currently 19°, real feel temperature is 9°. Right now I am feeling OK. It was better than 24 hours ago when my nose kept producing mucous. Now it’s not so bad. A slight headache after a nap earlier. I hope this means I am on the mend. Oh, the abyss of despair called today soon after Bill headed out west.

Once again resumes were sent out, just throwing them at the wall and seeing what sticks. Mike has been after me to get a job at his workplace, but I am not so sure if working at a shelter would be the right thing for me. I am slowly coming to grips with the idea that I will not be making whatever I made at the last gig salary-wise. But if it sticks, it sticks.

I’m not as smart as people think I am. I might know more than friends that watch Jeopardy but a lot of that is ready the clue and figuring it out. I’m not always right. Bill & Mike insist I should go on Jeopardy but I know I would not pass the psychological exam before the show. Would I freak out if I had a wrong answer? If I lost all my money?

I think that that would be a possibility. I watch the show and see the occasional contestant die a little when that happens. They made it so far only to lose most of everything or all of it. I have said or done stupid friends at various points in the past and regret it to this day.

There was sweet Rae Guay whose company I enjoyed greatly but one night in a pub in midtown Manhattan I turned to her and said she was vapid, without actually knowing what the word meant. Rae was one of those people who thought I was intelligent and despite my pleading that I really wasn’t, the misuse of the word vapid should have proved that I was actually the vapid one, not her.

That was the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I still carry that regret to this day. It’s almost like the more I state that I am not that smart, the more people seem to think, ‘Only a smart person would say something like that’.

I was told I was an idiot almost every day when growing up from my father and others in my family, echoing the pater familias. It’s a crippling thing that haunts me daily. And I was a not very bright student in my school days. At least I had the smarts to realize that going to college would be a complete disaster.

Even people at the last job felt I was perhaps a little too smart, but in that case, the barre was set quite low. Subtlety and wit were scarce materials in that office and when I would use both, it would generally be misunderstood.

I had a good talk with my sister-in-law this afternoon, talking about this here blog, and she asked if I ever tried to get these published. I never had since I have no idea who I would submit a few pieces of this here blog to. And since I have no idea if anyone reads this here blog, I don’t know who to ask for suggestions.

Fell Beasts

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Monday, January 20. Hoboken. Still a bit under the weather. I thought I was feeling well enough this afternoon, able to go to the supermarket with Bill, but soon after that, I was fading fast. A nap was needed and acquired so that helped but ever since my head has been stuffy.

Just sitting around at home with Bill today. He’s off to some meeting somewhere out west from Hoboken which could be Jersey City or North Arlington as far as you’d know. That’s going to leave me lonely tomorrow but I am sure I will persevere.

Mike’s been great with phone calls but he’ll be working and so, not available all the time. I’m still busying myself with sending out resumes. I had a phone interview a week or so ago and another was tentatively scheduled depending on the client who decided it was not luxurious enough for their refined tastes. I had never heard of them and perhaps that’s because of their taking up so much space in that rarefied air.

It seems I won’t get anywhere near the salary of the last job and will have to aim lower than I had hoped. And there is also ageism to consider, it was hard enough to get my foot in the door in my fifties, but not that I’m no longer in that decade, it’s not any easier.

I see videos online of some celebrities walking down a hall filled with the assistants of a show all chanting and singing the celebrity’s name. I thought ‘Oh I can do that’, but realistically I am 30 to 40 years older than these cheerleaders. And my complexion is much too white. And I’m really not the cheerleading type.

Who’s kidding who? Add my age into the equation and they see me as Hank Hill’s father, Cotton Hill. I would’ve gone with Grandpa Simpson but he seems much too old. Who’s the ageist now?

Sometimes there is a flash from November and the freefall I found myself in (and continue to fall from). It was the loss of my routine and the fact that it seemed I wasted my life and time on a company that would get rid of me like that.

In hindsight I should have seen it coming, I mean I was warned and they were just looking for an opportunity, a slip-up to cause them to act. I’m certain Shahbudeen Khan offered little or no support at all, but that could be expected from such an impotent blood clot from Guyana.

I’ll more than likely be doing a shot of Nyquil again for sleep. It’s quite effective despite having an expiration date of 2024. A few family & friends are disappointed and angry with regard to things that are unrelated to Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday, yet an event that could prove to be catastrophic to this nation occurred today.

A return to idiocy, bitterness, and spite courtesy of the fell beasts and their foolish followers. The unbelievable return to power of L’Orange Merde.