Tuesday. It is currently 19°, real feel temperature is 9°. Right now I am feeling OK. It was better than 24 hours ago when my nose kept producing mucous. Now it’s not so bad. A slight headache after a nap earlier. I hope this means I am on the mend. Oh, the abyss of despair called today soon after Bill headed out west.

Once again resumes were sent out, just throwing them at the wall and seeing what sticks. Mike has been after me to get a job at his workplace, but I am not so sure if working at a shelter would be the right thing for me. I am slowly coming to grips with the idea that I will not be making whatever I made at the last gig salary-wise. But if it sticks, it sticks.

I’m not as smart as people think I am. I might know more than friends that watch Jeopardy but a lot of that is ready the clue and figuring it out. I’m not always right. Bill & Mike insist I should go on Jeopardy but I know I would not pass the psychological exam before the show. Would I freak out if I had a wrong answer? If I lost all my money?

I think that that would be a possibility. I watch the show and see the occasional contestant die a little when that happens. They made it so far only to lose most of everything or all of it. I have said or done stupid friends at various points in the past and regret it to this day.

There was sweet Rae Guay whose company I enjoyed greatly but one night in a pub in midtown Manhattan I turned to her and said she was vapid, without actually knowing what the word meant. Rae was one of those people who thought I was intelligent and despite my pleading that I really wasn’t, the misuse of the word vapid should have proved that I was actually the vapid one, not her.

That was the nail in the coffin of our friendship and I still carry that regret to this day. It’s almost like the more I state that I am not that smart, the more people seem to think, ‘Only a smart person would say something like that’.

I was told I was an idiot almost every day when growing up from my father and others in my family, echoing the pater familias. It’s a crippling thing that haunts me daily. And I was a not very bright student in my school days. At least I had the smarts to realize that going to college would be a complete disaster.

Even people at the last job felt I was perhaps a little too smart, but in that case, the barre was set quite low. Subtlety and wit were scarce materials in that office and when I would use both, it would generally be misunderstood.

I had a good talk with my sister-in-law this afternoon, talking about this here blog, and she asked if I ever tried to get these published. I never had since I have no idea who I would submit a few pieces of this here blog to. And since I have no idea if anyone reads this here blog, I don’t know who to ask for suggestions.