Wow. I had an epiphany this afternoon. After stressing out so much, too much about this self-evaluation at work, as I was on my cigar break at 3 PM, I figured it out. Now, I would like to think I do some of my best writing when I am upset, or even depressed. And for the past couple of weeks, I was both upset and depressed.

The writing was in relation to the job. Specifically pointing out wrongs I have seen, the way I have been treated, things like that. Almost itemized. I would write, re-write, save somewhere, and print out hard copies.

I even woke up this morning earlier than usual (since I went to bed earlier than usual) and dictated notes into my phone for more writing. There are two people at work I feel comfortable with discussing these matters and they were helpful but not filled with the fire I had in my belly. I was carrying around a lot.

As I walked up Broadway to my perch on Thomas Street, crossing Chambers Street, the epiphany struck. I don’t have to do anything. This whole self-evaluation is bullshit designed to make management feel good about themselves and possibly knock down any self-confidence I might have.

Ideally, it would be better if employees evaluated management but those sausages are so thin-skinned with their six-figure salaries they would likely have a nervous breakdown. I don’t have to submit my best writing to these nincompoops.

I realized that if I did that, I would be lowering myself to their level and attempting to uplift them with the quality of my writing and they are just not worth it. I think they would be expecting my lengthy wordy responses. And that is what they are not getting from me.

Schlomo the DKP gave me a C grade, with 6 successful scores, 1 above average, and 3 below expectations. In their world with their math that averages out to a ‘C’. It’s bullshit and I think they know it is bullshit and designed to piss me off and storm off into the sunset.

Instead, I’m just going to say ‘thanks’. I think this new perspective will frighten them. There are goals that must be stated and I think I will write that I hope to trust my co-workers again. It may confound them and I am fine with acting against their expectations.

They’re good at what they do but outside of their areas of expertise they really aren’t terribly bright. Sure they might be decent people but ultimately they cannot be trusted, but they’re the ones who I am not at all interested in trusting. It’s their house and their rules and you can’t win against their house.

So Barbara Shorten and Schlomo, and the Supervisor’s supervisor (and his offspring) fall way short of any faith I may have in them, besides faith of them being self-serving and general idiots. And that’s cool. Life is short and not worth having them infect my life with their petty ways.

I have to admit, it felt like a great weight had been lifted off of me. I sat at my desk with a new, better attitude and I felt like I was high. I wasn’t high but it felt like it. Like endorphins had been released.

I felt good.