Monthly Archives: September 2024

An anniversary

It’s an anniversary. 24 years ago tonight I met Bill. It’s been a fun ride and it keeps going on and on which is fine by me and fine with Bill. It’s a relationship and it’s work. 24 years later it’s a little bit easier but with time comes age and with age comes worry. Health matters basically.

Nothing bad is happening but in the back of my mind, when Bill is here and not saying anything I panic and need to ask him to respond or make some sort of sound. He does just that, chuckling at my morbid paranoia.

I told Bill the story of my Mother on Mother’s Day in 1991 when sitting in her chair doing the New York Times Sunday crossword, she left, just like that. Who knows what my father was talking about when she passed but I guess when he looked over and saw she had passed away he was shocked.

Bill is a great talker and when he suddenly goes quiet I need to check and he understands. Bill and I were members of a Gay Yahoo Group, for Men who Like Men in Suits. That’s where I was 24 years ago.

I was into wearing suits as fetishwear and found a group of other men who were into it as well. I had gone to a few of these parties and always went home dejected. My sister was in town and drove me to the Path train from my apartment in Weehawken.

The party was on Ann Street and I took the elevator to the penthouse. I was determined to have a good time this time and availed myself of the beverages, which I think that night was mainly wine. That meant a mellow night.

At some point I was outside on a terrace, smoking a cigar, and from my memory, I was surrounded by suited men laughing at my bon mots when through the crowd I saw this brown-eyed handsome man in a mustard colored suit.

He certainly stood out in a sea of dark colored suits but I didn’t mind. A connection was made and he seemed to feel the same way. I saw Bill sitting in a chair while Erykah Badu was playing. Bill was vibing on the music and I walked up to him, asking ‘Do you dig Badu?’.

The wine emboldened me enough to make some physical moves on Bill in front of everybody else. A public display of affection or in this case, lust, is not my usual modus operandi. We wound up leaving together, both of us on the same train going uptown.

He was getting off at Union Square and I was continuing on. Before we parted I told him, ‘I’m feelin’ you kid’. We exchanged numbers and threw our chances into the air. Apparently, Bill had seen a photo of me in the Yahoo group page and it turned out I was just his type.

Little did he know what was coming on down the line. I sure didn’t, and here we are 24 years later!

Fear Strikes (Doubt)

I have probably mentioned it before or whined about it. Some people are afraid of me at work. I am not a violent guy, I don’t punch walls or slam doors. I’m a guy who is 6’2”, weighs about 215 lbs., and yes, I have a mouth on me. And yes that mouth has gotten me into trouble (though this here blog cost me 2 jobs).

The thing is, I’ve known frightening guys. Growing up and later in life, they were around. I saw men being violent when I was growing up. Luckily for me, they were friends or liked me. I’m not like them, though I did appreciate their company and sometimes enjoyed the powders they were offering. I willingly played the court jester at 4:00 in the morning, entertaining people who were grinding their teeth and talking a mile a minute.

We all paid the price, one way or another, if not the next day then some years down the road. Sometimes I see them on the street, they’ve turned their life around, they met a good woman who they loved and did not like the things they were doing so they stopped. I was the same way. Bill didn’t like what I was doing and I eventually stopped. Nowadays it would be crazy to put various powders under one’s nose.

A very dear friend of mine, who I truly loved in an ultra-platonic way and loved me back in an ultra-platonic way before a massive falling out over L’Orange Merde was that guy. He’s the one who springs to mind.

One particular event looms large. The two of us were playing dominoes in some bar on the Lower East Side. Powders were around and one had to go to the men’s room to do such things. We couldn’t give up our prime spot so it was one at a time, a handoff under the domino table.

It was my turn for a trip to the men’s room and as I approached I saw a queue to get to the restroom and decided not to. My friend was alarmed at this and thought someone had done me wrong. I tried to reassure him that there was nothing wrong, that I would wait till the line thinned out.

He did not believe me and insisted that someone insulted me. He calmed down after a few minutes after I saw the anger in his eyes. I never was afraid of this friend, like I said, I loved him in this mutual admiration club. And it’s guys like him that would truly strike fear in those whom he did not know.

His day job involved being the boldest of the bold and he reveled in that position. He would tell me of injuries that he would inflict on uncooperative people. He knew I was attracted and repulsed by these tales. I never told him not to tell me these things which could have made me an accomplice perhaps.

I haven’t spoken to him in a long time and I miss him. Who wouldn’t want someone looking out for them like that? Then again it was the nineties and a lot of things were different then. He and I were both different.

The thing is, I’ve known people who would strike fear in the likes of my co-workers and I am not like that at all, but here I am, striking fear in these people I work with. Let’s face it, these co-workers see me as an angry old white guy.

But I’m the type of guy, who if I saw them in trouble on the street, I would do my best to help them.

My friend eventually moved to the West Coast to get away from the life he led for a living. I continue to wish him well.