I have spent the day on the shores of the river of sadness. The river of sadness leads to the gulf of despair and the trade winds were blowing from that direction. I really miss Bill. I wish he was home or coming home tonight. When he’s around I focus everything on him. When he’s not all I got is me and that is no fun. It’s a lonely existence.

I am fed up with this world and at some point, I thought death would be preferable. Then I said to myself I couldn’t do that to Bill or the family that I have. The family would get over it surely, but I doubt Bill would. Bill and I have a running gag about who’s dying first. I would prefer to go first since if Bill went I wouldn’t last long and more than likely do something by my own hand.

Actually, I would prefer an asteroid to hit the earth and take everyone out all at once. No favorites, everyone’s gotta go.

It’s this time of year that lends itself to this depression.

Work was a joke today. We use a highly popular computer program, and I’ve been using it for over a year. I know that clicks and whatnot and got things done in a streamlined manner. So much that was basically done with the bulk of my work before noon.

Then came the 2:45 break that I get and when I came back I was told there was a new method to the program. It’s supposed to be better but all I saw were additional steps that were added and with the people whose requests I fulfill, well not much got done.

Those people have to add info to the program so that I might follow up and send out the produced requests. But they hadn’t and my hands were tied. I did send emails asking them to fill more information out but they hadn’t.

The supervisor who mentioned this in passing had left for the day and I actually needed to ask him what to do in these situations. Perhaps walk me through it rather than standing 5 feet behind me saying things in his accented Guyanese English.

When I leave for the day I like to leave nothing undone, but here I was marking things to be done in the morning since it was not going to be done without the supervision that I apparently need.

The Legume and I really do not have much to say. That was a realization that I have been coming to for a while since July. We say Hello and that’s about it. This was a guy who I always made it a point to stop by his desk and shoot the shit as it were. Now the relations are threadbare.

During the sit down meeting on July 8, with the supervisor, the Legume and the inhuman resources director I did emphasize how much I liked that guy. Now it would be hard for me to say anything worthwhile on his behalf.

I see the hypocrisy in the office with missives from the inhuman resources director aout keeping one’s voice quiet when most of the time if the Legume is in, I hear him all the time.

His jokes, his interaction with his IT team, and most anyone who walks by his office. It was an awful way to end the day. Then again there was an awfulness at the start.

As I was headed to the train this morning and descending the steps, I saw an older woman struggling with her cane, her bags, and the cart she was using at the bottom of the stairs.

I thought about helping her but was swept away by the thought of how I had to catch that train. And I regretted it then and I regret it almost 12 hours later. I used to be that guy to help out those in obvious need, but not this morning.

I had to go to work and be miserable rather than help someone else out of their misery.

Such misery, such despair.

It was back to work again and Bill is on the road. I took the air conditioner out of the window yesterday. It’s a lot cooled out lately and once again for the past 20 years, I would go to sleep thinking the air conditioner was going to fall out. Every sound that was made was the sound of impending disaster.

And then there are the constant intruders that only come out when I am drifting off to sleep, masked ninjas who leave empty handed since they learn we ain’t got nothin’ worth stealin’. These are the thoughts that go through my mind like a ticker tape.

And ticker tape! Is that an early 20th century word or what? No one nowhere uses ticker tape anymore. Double negative?

One half of the usual paranoid thoughts are on the docket tonight. Bill is off somewhere in New England. From what I know, all is well. This superstitious atheist knocks wood. Summer is over and done with.

We are now in the fall or autumn. Not my favorite time of year but there is nothing I can do about it. Roll with the changes I reckon. I am constantly getting Artificial Intelligence suggestions about these posts as I write them. “Would this be better?” I am constantly dismissing the suggestions.

“I’m sorry John, but you shouldn’t do that” Then it starts printing the lyrics to ‘Daisy Bell’.
Most unnerving.

Today is Bruce Springsteen’s 75th birthday. My siblings were very much into Bruce from way back when, before Born to Run. I grew up hearing his music and some resonated and stuck with me. I tried getting into the fervor but overall it eluded me.

I did see Bruce on the Born in the USA tour at Giants Stadium. Not the same as seeing Bruce at the Bottom Line for a weeklong set of shows in 1974. In 1984 I went with my brothers and my brother’s wife’s family. It was a long show and that is all I remember, besides being asked not to light a joint around my sister in law’s siblings but I did anyway.

I guess my brother who wanted to get me high when I was 14 years old(!) wanted to show how clean he was. I was 18 when I actually started smoking weed. I was out of school, not going back after graduation. I was a poor student and did not need the help of weed to prove that point.

I think that might be a subject for a future post, I know the dates, the locations, and the names of the characters in that sordid tale. Since no one but me is reading this, that is what I will do. Too late for tonight, perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps I just jinxed it.

It was over 40 years ago and it was a very different world. Arduous and a very long time is what was just mentioned on the TV and it seemed apt to apply it here. School days also is a subject I was thinking of earlier today.
Sister Christine, a horrible teacher. Miss Gaudio, nice teacher. Mrs Maria Luciano, the absolute worst. And that was just grammar school, not forgetting Sister Mary Octavian and Sister Annelle. Violent penguins.