I have probably mentioned it before or whined about it. Some people are afraid of me at work. I am not a violent guy, I don’t punch walls or slam doors. I’m a guy who is 6’2”, weighs about 215 lbs., and yes, I have a mouth on me. And yes that mouth has gotten me into trouble (though this here blog cost me 2 jobs).

The thing is, I’ve known frightening guys. Growing up and later in life, they were around. I saw men being violent when I was growing up. Luckily for me, they were friends or liked me. I’m not like them, though I did appreciate their company and sometimes enjoyed the powders they were offering. I willingly played the court jester at 4:00 in the morning, entertaining people who were grinding their teeth and talking a mile a minute.

We all paid the price, one way or another, if not the next day then some years down the road. Sometimes I see them on the street, they’ve turned their life around, they met a good woman who they loved and did not like the things they were doing so they stopped. I was the same way. Bill didn’t like what I was doing and I eventually stopped. Nowadays it would be crazy to put various powders under one’s nose.

A very dear friend of mine, who I truly loved in an ultra-platonic way and loved me back in an ultra-platonic way before a massive falling out over L’Orange Merde was that guy. He’s the one who springs to mind.

One particular event looms large. The two of us were playing dominoes in some bar on the Lower East Side. Powders were around and one had to go to the men’s room to do such things. We couldn’t give up our prime spot so it was one at a time, a handoff under the domino table.

It was my turn for a trip to the men’s room and as I approached I saw a queue to get to the restroom and decided not to. My friend was alarmed at this and thought someone had done me wrong. I tried to reassure him that there was nothing wrong, that I would wait till the line thinned out.

He did not believe me and insisted that someone insulted me. He calmed down after a few minutes after I saw the anger in his eyes. I never was afraid of this friend, like I said, I loved him in this mutual admiration club. And it’s guys like him that would truly strike fear in those whom he did not know.

His day job involved being the boldest of the bold and he reveled in that position. He would tell me of injuries that he would inflict on uncooperative people. He knew I was attracted and repulsed by these tales. I never told him not to tell me these things which could have made me an accomplice perhaps.

I haven’t spoken to him in a long time and I miss him. Who wouldn’t want someone looking out for them like that? Then again it was the nineties and a lot of things were different then. He and I were both different.

The thing is, I’ve known people who would strike fear in the likes of my co-workers and I am not like that at all, but here I am, striking fear in these people I work with. Let’s face it, these co-workers see me as an angry old white guy.

But I’m the type of guy, who if I saw them in trouble on the street, I would do my best to help them.

My friend eventually moved to the West Coast to get away from the life he led for a living. I continue to wish him well.