Monthly Archives: June 2010

Across the Universe

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It’s been an up and down kind of 24 hours. Like I may have written earlier in the past week, when I am on my own I find myself in despair. And once again it happened last night, a little after midnight. Just crunching some numbers and found myself a bit upset.

I chatted with an online friend who like my other friends and family was extremely supportive. I also sent out a few applications for work, a little closer to home. Still I went to bed with a heavy heart.

I thought about doing something dishonest and then decided not to, which was good. The dishonest thing would have the potential to bite me on the ass. The reward for being honest was the fact that I wouldn’t be looking over my shoulder all the time.

Bill was asleep while I was going crazy and I soon joined him in our air conditioned bedroom. Surprisingly I slept well.

I woke up and still had the blues and while I showered Bill came in to use the loo. When I came out we talked. I explained the way I was feeling, the fear that I have. I am making less money than before, and that stressed me out.

It’s more money than unemployment but once again I find myself gazing longingly at the past, thinking that at such and such a job, I was making this much. Bill, my rock, reminded me that I will be making a commission which if I play the game right, will help make up for the lower pay.

It’s all about the hustle.

Why is it that other people believe in me a lot more than I believe in me? I am so fucking lucky to have family and friends who are there for me. Some people don’t have that.

Bill sat there and listened as I talked, as I cried. I would love to have a Monday through Friday job, a 9 to 5 job which is what I’ve had for the past 20 years but it’s not that world anymore. And I have to wrap myself around that fact.

I also have to stop looking backwards. My life is not the same as it once was. I won’t be able to take a week off when my sister is in town like I have all the previous years when she came to visit, and now that I can’t I get upset thinking about it.

I was lucky to be able to get 3 days off at least. And that first day Bill arranged for me to take photographs of his band when they rehearse. And also it’s the day before the party so there will be all that running around. It will be catered, pasta and salad. Cash bar.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Bill was great, so understanding, so supportive. A great big hug and his reassurance that he’s here for me. He asked if I wanted to go out for breakfast and I said we could get some bagels and come home but he wouldn’t hear of it. I also expressed that I was upset that our neighbors Mike & Nicole had to move away. I know they had to do it, it’s all for the best, but there’s been so much change in my life this week.

I couldn’t even buy the paper this morning as a way to avoid the bad news that keeps coming through.

So we walked over to Stacks Pancake House and had a very nice breakfast. It was good timing since when we were leaving there was quite a line for breakfast. After that we walked to the supermarket where I bought food for lunch at work.

Got to save money and bring my own lunch in, but more importantly, I have to bring the lunch with me when I head off to work and not leave it behind.

Tonight I am off to the Theater for the New City to see Bill in a play. He plays a child molester. Very creepy and I’m glad he’s not a method actor. I wanted to talk to him about what has been going on in my head after the play, but he wouldn’t hear of it.

I don’t know if I could have lasted that long anyhow. Once I talk about what is going on in my head, it starts the process. I suppose it’s true, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Like I said it’s been a rough 24 hours but I have to take things day by day, if not hour by hour, minute by minute.

And I am so grateful that Bill is there for me. I love him so very much.
A halfhearted smile, but a smile nonetheless.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with the retail world, and working for a commission, I would really like to hear about it.

I work in one of these buildings.

Ain’t It Funky Now, Pt 1

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A day off. On a Saturday, which for some one like me, a newbie at the cigar shop, promises to be rare. I just woke up from a 20 minute nap. It’s been a sticky day weather wise, in the upper 80 degree range. I was pretty much tired last night when I came home, but stayed up until 12:45, when I went to bed.

Bill wasn’t home yet and I was a little worried about him when he wasn’t home yet. I lay there sweating and around an hour later I got out of bed to take a melatonin tablet. There was Bill on the couch, a little bit weird. He has been working on a play, performed for one night tomorrow and he was told to get really in depth for his character. I’ll tell you more about that tomorrow.

I was relieved and hoped that now he was home I would be able to sleep. But it was so hot and the melatonin was not acting fast enough. Eventually it did kick in and I fell asleep next to the soundly sleeping Bill.

He was up and about early and I eventually woke up around 9:00 this morning. Still quite warm. I made some coffee and headed out to the supermarket for some eggs and groceries. I was surprised to see my neighbors Mike and Nicole moving out.

Mike’s dad isn’t doing well and him and Nicole have been staying out there somewhere in North Jersey. They’re subletting and I was surprised at how much stuff they had. They offered Bill & I a new king size bed, but we have a California King already. Too much trouble in any event.

I watched An Incident at Owl Creek Bridge, the original Twilight Zone episode and was surprised at how surreal it was. Really brilliant. I knew the concept but had never seen it from start to finish. Brought it back to the library and found I was late with another DVD, a new version of Owl Creek Bridge with Campbell Scott.

After forking over $2.00 I headed over to Church Square Park across the street and hung out with Julio and Alexander for a little while. I pushed Alexander on the swing where Alexander and I counted to 20 with each push. I also told Julio about the work week I had and we both complained about the weather.

Then it was a 1-2-3 whee walk with Alexander holding Julio and my hand. I came home and decided to install the window unit air conditioner, sweating up a storm. Vacuumed a bit and found I needed some new vacuum bags.

I walked over to Shop Rite but they didn’t have any. I bought some hot dogs instead. I decided to walk down Madison Street to check out some Italian deli’s and get some info on catering for the party next month.

I ran into Roda’s cousin Tony who invited me to a Positive Thinking seminar that he is hosting at the Elk’s Club on Tuesday but told him I couldn’t make it since I’d be working. He’s also a cigar aficionado and was happy with the fact that I got a gig at the cigar shop.

Stopped by the Guitar Bar but Mr. Wonderful Jim Mastro was out on tour with Ian Hunter. I was able to get vacuum bags at a hardware store and came home and completed my vacuuming as well as doing laundry.

I had hoped to make it to my friend Roger’s party for his wife but I had too much to do and I was plenty tired after not sleeping so well last night. And there is still laundry to be done. It’s been a busy day and I hope to sleep well tonight.

Air conditioner is working nicely and my spirits seem to be better.

I can’t believe Elton John is singing at Rush Limbaugh’s fourth wedding. Srsly.