It’s Friday and I’m happy. No talking to proctological refugees today on the phone and I didn’t mind at all. Last night I watched Ugly Betty, 30 Rock, Scrubs and Earl, missed the Office since it was a repeat. It was a mellow evening, especially after having written over 1300 words last night. It was an accomplishment as well as being therapeutic. I went to sleep around 11:30 and slept ok, waking up at 4:00 then finally at 6:00. I woke up ok. Picked out my suit and tie for today last night since I asked if they had casual Fridays at the job and was told they didn’t.

I found out they actually did have casual Fridays at work so I was the only one in a suit and tie. Not that I minded, I do enjoy wearing a suit and tie after all. It was also a beautiful day so I didn’t have to wear a top coat. I strolled across town enjoying the morning and walked through Grand Central Station stopping by a Tie Shop that had very nice ties at very expensive prices. Some very nice braces too which were priced in triple figures. Out of my league and my price range. Grand Central was also in the process of setting up for Earth Day festivities.

Got to work and no one in at 8:05. I made coffee and turned on the lights and printers and copiers. Greg Stevens made it in, looking dapper. He heads to the Hamptons every Friday afternoon at 1:00 and was dressed for it. It was good to see that he wasn’t dead since there was a front page obituary on the New York Sun, stating that Greg Stevens had died. So that was reassuring to see Greg Stevens in the flesh even though his name has been changed to protect the relatively innocent, meaning me.

I was asked to hang two pictures in one of the conference room which should have been really easy since I had done it several times throughout the office this past week. I also had the experience of hanging pictures when I lived with Willie B. all those years in Weehawken. He was an artist and expert framer and there was always a lot of artwork needing to be hung throughout the apartment and hallway. This turned out to be quite the comedy of errors.

I had two nearly identical pictures and though I had to nail through plaster into cinder block, the first one went up without a hitch. The second went like a bitch. Hey, I just used that word because it rhymed. Sue me, it’s a Friday. I had a hammer and I swung it in the morning, but since the nails I was using couldn’t make it through the cinder block like the previous picture, I was relieved of swinging that hammer in the evening as well as all over the land. I went through about 20 nails which made me start to bite my nails. Not easy to do while hammering. Also trying to avoid the Jimmy Grant scenario.

Jimmy Grant was a kid in my neighborhood when I was growing up. This story actually happened before I achieved consciousness of life in general. Jimmy was hammering something and from what I heard he had swung the hammer above his head and the nail remover part became embedded in his skull. Of course he started screaming and crying and the only adults in the neighborhood were Jimmy Foglio and my mother who took him to the hospital. Every time I use a hammer I think of Jimmy Grant.

So I went out and bought nails at a hardware store in the neighborhood of Wanker Banker. I was tempted to see if anyone was around but decided against it. I went back to my office and started hammering. I bent about a dozen nails before I gave up. Some plaster fell to the floor too. I went back to the hardware store and bought more nails, and spackle for the wall. Eventually I found a large nail and decide to forgo the thing that is used to actually hang the picture and hung it on the nail itself. That large nail went through the cinder block easily. I hope it stays hung over the weekend. Interpret at will.

This is odd. It’s Thursday which isn’t so odd. The odd thing is that I’m writing this before eating. 4 out of 5 doctors recommend eating before writing a blog but I’m ignoring their sound medical advice. I watched the Gilmore Girls last night which I recorded the night before. It was good but I’m getting tired of the trials and tribulations of Lorelei and Rory. Don’t get me wrong it’s an entertaining show but I’ve been watching it for some time and how long can I watch these Gilmore Girls. The thrill is gone. Maybe it’s because they canned the Executive Producer between seasons last year, but I’m over it.

I watched Lost with Bill last night after the Gilmores and that was good. Not much explained just more stories. It was good that Charlie wasn’t killed. Yet. And I do love my Kate. She’s hot and she rocks. After that it was more of the idiot scumbag on TV getting his wish and having his hate filled screed broadcast around the world. Yes his hand and voice reaching out from beyond the grave. I’m more than sure it was horrible for the relatives of the victims to hear and see it, not to mention that it was on the front page of most of the newspapers, but the idiot scumbag’s parents had to hear it and are probably thinking where did we go wrong?

I slept well in Bill arms and woke up after hitting the snooze button then realizing that I had to get up at 6:00, no more 6:30 for me. I jumped in the shower, not as an ogre, but as a man. I realized that looking down and washing my private parts, confirming that yes, I am indeed a man. Had a manly breakfast too. Reveling in my accredited butchness, I had my cereal and coffee, checked some email and the weather and what Otis Livingston was wearing when he said the sports news on Today in New York. I sometimes takes my tips on what to wear on what Otis is wearing. He is a mad cutie.

Got to the office a little after 8:00 and no one was in. I walked around turning machines on, making coffee and sat in my cube starting my computer and wondering what it was I was going to do today. I have to compile notes for a to do list and I think that’s number one on the to do list. Number One: Make a list. People came in, I interacted. And stress was due to arrive soon enough, little did I know. It wasn’t the phone call with my brother Frank. He wants to go see Company on Broadway, the 1970’s Sondheim musical. I’d like to see it too. Maybe I could afford it, if I scrimp. There is a deal though with cheap tickets and I think Frank is checking into that. He also has to check with Elaine, his wife, the holder of the purse strings.

The stress was actually seeded on Monday, my first day. My office, like a lot of offices in Manhattan require a key card to get access. The thing is they didn’t have extra cards, not one for me and it’s my job to get extra cards for the office. I got the number for who to call and I called the All Time Detection Systems in Westchester. They had been in the office soon after my people moved in in February on a service call and to little old me, it didn’t seem like a big thing. So I called this company and spoke to Jeffrey who took my order and said that he’d send them over right away. I expected it to be done right away, and when I didn’t get them on Tuesday I called and left a voice mail message. Actually left two messages.

On Wednesday when they didn’t arrive by noon I called and left 2 more messages. Jeffrey didn’t seem to be returning my calls so I tried to get in contact with someone else. I spoke with Marie and explained that I couldn’t get through to Jeffrey and could I get someone else? She got someone named Jason who was of no help whatsoever. Today came and Carla the receptionist got a phone call from someone who said they had a package from All Time Detection Systems. Yes the cards were shipped to the wrong location. A few blocks away. Carla went out and got them.

It turns out the cards don’t work. So once again I get acquainted to Jeffrey’s voice mail. I wound up staying later than I expected to when my phone rang at 5:30. It was Jeffrey. He admitted sending the package to the wrong address and knew the cards weren’t activated. That was something that had to be done on my end. He told me to look in the computer room and there was a few computers, but no monitors. Clearly I wouldn’t know what to do. He mentioned that he could send someone down in a week to teach me how to program cards. Knowing his record with time, a week could possibly mean two. I mentioned that this could have been done with if we had gotten the cards sooner. Especially since when I spoke with him on Monday he told me that he could have dropped them off since he was in the area that day. But of course I was talking to him after the fact. When he heard me mention getting the cards sooner, Jeffrey lost it.

“I don’t need this. I have hundreds of other customers. I don’t need this fucking shit.” I was down shifting and he was revving up. I told him to relax, that all I said was we should have gotten the cards sooner. He wasn’t hearing it, despite me telling him to stop going bananas. I was cool headed, he was nuts. The call ended badly. I called up his company and asked the receptionist who the owner of the company was and could I speak to him. Surprisingly enough, I got him. I told Mike Bender (the owner) about Jeffrey, what he said, how he sent the cards to the wrong location, how he told me he basically built the company with his bare hands. Mike seemed sympathetic.

He listened to me and then told me that Jeffrey was on the other line. He got off the phone with me and took Jeffrey’s call. Fifteen minutes later the owner of All Time Detection Systems called me back, telling me that Jeffrey worked at the company for 22 years and Mike had never heard of my company. Also mentioned that he has hundreds of clients making big money and the cards were negligible. Basically we weren’t worth his time. I recited everything on the invoice from his company stating that they had indeed did business with us already. True we don’t have a maintenance contract but we do make service calls. At 240.00 an hour at that.

He offered to make an appointment for next week so someone could stop by to show me how to program cards, but I told him I don’t have the authority to make that call. Actually I do, but at 240.00 an hour? I don’t think so. I’d have to run by the CFO just to be on the safe side, but tomorrow I’m getting in touch with building management to see if there is anything they can do or recommend a not as abusive security company as All Time Detection Systems. I guess they’re detectives and I guess that makes them dicks.

And it was this day, last year that I started working at McMann and Tate, aka Wolff Olins.