Sunday. Last day of vacation. Nine days have passed and I had quite a few good times. Juan was up for a few days and that made a lot of difference. Always good to have a compatriot around to get in and out of trouble with. An able accomplice. The past two days were spent with Juan mainly and good times abounded. We watched ‘Hair’ last night. He had never seen it before, and I think he enjoyed it as much as I had for the nth time. Alas he had to go back to school and I have to go back to work so it works out on some malevolent level I suppose.
I woke up this morning feeling sad. Sad about having to go back to work. The magic from having spent Thanksgiving with my cousins has worn off which contributed to the sadness. Bill was miles away on the other side of the bed and that was sad, such a distance of a few feet can amount to a large gap, filled with some loneliness. Julio and Stine are basically incommunicado, still doing newlywed things and getting ready to spend the upcoming holidays in Denmark. No one around much lately. It’s odd because I never had feelings of loneliness before, just lately.
Perhaps I’m on the cusp of a midlife crisis. (I thought I had gone through that in my angst ridden twenties, but with that math I should be dead by now.) A week or so ago, or maybe just the other day, as I was drifting off to sleep I came to the realization that I’m 44 years old. Ancient to some, infantile to others and it was a Naked Lunch moment, in the sense that it’s when you see what is exactly on the other end of the fork, and that was mortality. It was a sobering thought and the type of thought I didn’t really need to ponder as I was trying to drift off to sleep.
Had quite a heavy talk tonight with Bill who said that he sometimes thinks that Juan and I have something going on. That wasn’t the main topic of discussion. It was started by Bill asking me how I was doing, and I told him I was doing pretty good, I had been on a date. Nothing sexual, just coffees in Starbucks in Chelsea with a guy named Baron. We talked about relationships and boyfriends. He was just out of a ten year relationship that sort of fell apart when his ex decided on an open relationship, opening the door for Baron to see what else was out there and deciding to move on. Now that Baron has left his ex wants him back but for Baron it’s too late. Nothing to do with me, mind you.
It got me thinking about whether or not there is hope for me and Bill. 90% of the relationship is functioning, it’s the 10% that isn’t working that stresses me out somewhat and I don’t see Bill thinking about it and that stresses me out even more. I just don’t want to be Blanche Du Bois, dependent on the kindness of strangers. Some personal ice had melted through some casual contacts I had lined up this week, and oh how that human sexual contact made such a difference. That’s the 10% that isn’t working between Bill and myself.
I become hung up and get bitter towards Bill and that is not right since we do have to live together, and I shouldn’t have written ‘have to live together’ since we want to live together for the rest of our lives, both of us looking forward to helping each other off the floor in our eighties when we fall. It was a heavy talk, heavier than we ever had when we were seeing Philip Beansprout. Too much introspection on my side I think.
Things are a lot better now, we hugged and we kissed after talking. We sit at our computers, peace in the air.