Okay. Therapy tonight and oh what a night it was. Got a lot of things out in the open, namely sex. I’ve definitely come to terms with the open relationship thing, against my initial wishes but I’ve been busy and don’t want to waste my life waiting for something that doesn’t seem like it going to happen anytime soon. The surprising thing is we’re companions, partners, roommates, and friends even, but are we really lovers?

In the biblical sense, since we do love each other so very much. Just those 7”are noticeably missing. Like I said, I am comfortable with the open relationship. I wish it wasn’t open but I suppose it’s making the best out of a messed up situation. It’s like sitting in a comfortable chair when you’d rather stand. It’s not so bad when you think of it.

I also have to wrap my mind around the fact that I’m always going to be second to bus driving. That is his passion in life. Flesh and blood takes a back seat both literally and figuratively. He’s not going with me to see Philip Beansprout next week because it’s a big holiday weekend and he’s going to be driving. So I’ll be seeing Philip solo next week.

It was a strange walk home after the session due to what was said during tonight’s session. Bill is resolute in his ways and quite proud of it. He’s not going to change. He’s told me this many times in the past and over the past six years I can’t say that I really saw any major change.

He has certain issues with some suggestions I’ve made to spice things up, to rekindle our sex life yet he offers no suggestions of his own. So nothing gets done and we wind up seeing Philip Beansprout on a Friday evening. We definitely have different outlooks and it could stem from the fact that we came out of the closet at drastically different times. I knew when I was 13 and never doubted it at all. I think he might have really struggled with the fact that he was gay.

I mean, it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for me, so to speak, but I knew. All my life plans were changed at 13. I don’t know what Bill’s story is and I won’t try to guess at it. But it is intriguing. Philip agreed with me on the fact that Bill doesn’t have any suggestions to start things up again, he’s content with the status quo.

On the walk home I told Bill I was willing to do anything, really anything to get him interested in me sexually again. He didn’t have any immediate ideas, and I wasn’t expecting any. But he knows that I am willing. Is he? I have an open mind, and if it’s reasonable I’m game. If not, then a drink might be in order beforehand.

The talk continued when we got home, lots of silences and deep soulful looking in the eyes. We talked about how he used to say that he doesn’t mind if I fooled around since he knows he has my heart and he’d be waiting for me in bed. But there is no guarantee that I couldn’t fall in love with someone else, and there’s no guarantee for him either.

The night I met him I didn’t go to the Men In Suits party thinking I was going to fall in love with some guy and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He could go out and find someone just like me but with that extra oomph that he feels is missing from me. And I could go find some guy that just released from jail.

Yes, relationships are hard work. And it’s worth it.