Monthly Archives: March 2006

Lonesome Day Blues

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Ok. Not a day to write about but things being what they are, I feel obliged. I had a better attitude today that’s for sure. Appreciating Matt the temp a lot. Cool kid. Lives under Webster Hall. Has a cabaret act at Don’t Tell Mama this month. Also has a blog, which I linked to. Film reviews. Nice style. We had a talk about Brokeback Mountain and I played the soundtrack, which started to bum me out.

The song by Teddy Thompson is great. I put his two albums in my shopping cart at Itunes. Of course he’s down with the Wainwrights. I think he used to go out with Martha. He’s the son of Richard and Linda Thompson. Oh these children of talented parents. I try not to get jealous.

I also recommend David Rakoff’s ‘Don’t Get Too Comfortable’. It’s almost as good as his first book, ‘Fraud’. Wandered around midtown for lunch. Nowhere in particular. Instead of the east side I went west. Exotic. Just to get away from the office. It wasn’t so bad out. Had the Ipod going and walking in the sun. Quite nice.

The other day, Sunday, I was on line at Hoboken Bagels, getting the usual when who is online in front of me? Senator Menendez, who replaced Corzine, when Corzine became governor. I didn’t say anything to him, some customers were deferential, not me. I sent him a nasty email telling him off after he sided with the credit card companies with the bill that makes personal bankruptcy difficult. I was fierce and rude. I told him a great majority of his constituents fall into that category. I’m sure he never saw it, though it’s possible since he was Representative Menendez then.

I also didn’t to trip him on the way out since he was heading down to Belmar to march in Belmar’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. He announced this before he left the bagel store. What a hard working politician. Walk down the street and wave at the people you’ve screwed.

My loins are behaving like spring is here. Why not, the weather’s been so wacky or rather nutty, that the trees are budding. I think it’s happening all over the metro area. The men are getting better looking and bears are coming out of hibernation. And the amount of hits that I’ve been getting are a lot more than usual, which means I’m getting hits. It’s flattering for sure, but then again nonexistent since this is the Internet after all.

I was talking to a fellow blogger Rod and he mentioned that since the Internet most guys (read: gay guys) tend to see sex as an all you can eat salad bar at Wendy’s. That’s almost a direct quote. It’s true. A lot of guys do. Sometimes I’m in the main chat room at gay.com and it’s cock cock cock. Oh my. Then Juan and I will disrupt the natural order of things with our surreal repertoire.

So I am home. I am not the master of my domain. That ended a few days after I wrote it. I’m not complaining. I will be master of my domain once again, maybe next fall. It was Philip Beansprouts’ suggestion anyhow. Oh this frustration.

This Is What We Find

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Another crap Monday. I know there are occasionally good Mondays, just that today wasn’t one of them. A gray cloud hung over my head today. It wasn’t easy to start the day that’s for sure. Nothing bad happened just a feeling in the pit of my stomach. A malaise if you will.

Having fled early on Friday I had no idea on what awaited me in the office. Turns out it was nothing really. Matt the temp is really a plus to the operation, at least my operation. And today he was needed since I certainly didn’t want to be there. I did find out the Persian Bitch was reprimanded and given an official warning which pissed her off. That happened after I left on Friday so it was probably a good thing that I wasn’t there since I am prone to gloating on occasion.

I did feel apart from most everyone at work today. Perhaps I was wearing my ennui on my sleeve. Dry cleaners have a difficult time removing stains and ennui must be a real tough one. Hard to see and easy to wear. Most people that know me can see how I feel from a mile away. Some can tell by the tone of voice I use over the phone. I can’t hide it, couldn’t if I tried.

But I got through the day. Perhaps what Bleedin’ Hope said was true. That would be a first. If they get rid of the Persian Bitch, they’ll have to get rid of me. I don’t see why, but that might be a possible scenario.

Tonight was also the wonderful world of couples counseling. I almost walked past the Library where I usually meet Bill since I hadn’t heard if he wanted to meet up beforehand. I took the initiative and called. Bill noticed my mood and didn’t pursue it much. He has a lot of things going on with him acting wise, so I just let him tell me all the things that were going on.

I walked alongside, silently puffing on a Padron. It was a nice night for a walk. I did want to go to St. Mark’s Place in my continuing hunt for Gauloises but since I asked if Bill had eaten, and he hadn’t we walked to the pizzeria around the block from Psych Central. I wasn’t hungry so I watched him wolf down a chicken pizza. We walked to Psych Central and sat in the waiting room. Bill closed his eyes, and I read the David Rakoff book that I have to return to the library tomorrow.

Philip Beansprout showed up and we wandered into our designated room. I sometimes think that Philip has his hands full with us since we usually go all over the map and Philip gets a look of exasperation on his face for a quick instant. My urge to satisfy sometimes makes me think if Bill and I are doing therapy the right way, playing by the rules. Time will tell I suppose.

I talked about my situation at work and the stress it’s been causing me. I don’t think it’s having an effect on our relationship. I don’t think Bill feels that it is. What came out of the session and that subject was that when Bill gets down about something, he shuts up and gets very introverted. Me, I talk about it. Sometimes not initially, but I do. And once I do I generally feel better. Good friends and family know that if you give me fifteen minutes I usually spill my guts. I’m sure I’d hold up under interrogation.

I told Philip about my lack of a college education and my disdain for formal education. I may be intelligent, but I don’t have the piece of paper that makes it official apparently. I also mentioned that I’m getting on in years (oh so ancient) and I’d like to find a job that I can ride out the rest of my life on in relative comfort.

Somehow we got on the subject of goals. I mentioned about this blog and my writing. Philip seemed interested. I told him about Lewis Lapham and what he had said, and how I enjoy writing, how I find it empowering.

Philip asked if there was money to be made through blogs. There are but that’s for a lot of people on the tippy top. I am off the map. Plus this is such a personal blog that it’s amazing that some people actually read it, but no. No money to be made right now through this. This is the art for the enjoyment of the six readers I know about. Or is it five?

It was a good meeting. I fucked things up though by taking Bill’s support and encouragement in a manner that hadn’t been seen in these parts of my head since the eighties. That means badly. No drama, just me shutting down. I can give Bill all the support and encouragement he might need, but man I can’t handle it when I get it return. Fucked up huh?

I’ve had many good friends through my life that have believed in me and my writing, quite a few of them doing this without ever reading anything that I’ve written. Bless them for they know not what they do. The return of my crippling self-doubt. Can’t say I’ve missed it, just plodding through with nary a thought about it.

So there’s an unease in the apartment tonight and it’s all from my not believing in myself. I just can’t see what other people see.

I feel that if I believe in myself, my ego would run rampant. And I don’t think that would be a good thing. I constantly knock myself down and pick myself up again. At least I pick myself up.

Crazy shit huh? I am grateful for the people in my life that have supported me and believed in me. I apologize for not taking your compliments better and thinking there was something wrong with you for believing in me. I’ll do better I promise.

Hang in there.

Thanks.