The Reawakening

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Awakening certificate reawakening can be even more difficult. Wanted to go to work a little bit later since I didn’t have to be there until 9:00, so I thought I’d sleep until 7:00

Unfortunately, Bill woke me up at 6:30. I thought he knew, but maybe he forgot, but then again, I’m a fucking idiot.

And who could forget good old Frankie, who kept pleading with me to call him last night when he heard of my despair, and when I did call him, he was not there. You’ve got to love friends who just say I’ll be there for you and when you need them, they are not there. Very much like Daniel Chieffo.

So this new chapter concerns the diminishment of my sex drive. It has been a blessing and a curse. I remember when Bill and I were seeing a therapist, I mentioned that I wished I were asexual, which caused the therapist to have some raised eyebrows, and I was explaining to him that it’s just so much difficulty, and now here I am 20 years later saying the same lines

63 years old, I lived through the epidemic, dodged many bullets, not about to go back on the firing range, and seeing if I can dodge more, it’s just not worth it. Bill and Mike, you can bless their cocks cuz I was going to say hearts, but it’s more about their cocks than their hearts

Bill bounces around from the NYSC gymnasiums throughout Manhattan. He’s got a connection here, he’s got a connection there, and I’ve often thought that’s what was going on, but figured no, that’s not his style, but seeing him on Monday night after our discussion, that is his style

I was feeling flattered right now thinking that please type to go running around, that’s my lottery for myself, prevented me from saying it as a sexual feast of a sexual person actually

I was talking to Jimmy Chile and remarked how my sexual upgrading was usually on the run and in public bathrooms at the mall and department stores, as well as men’s cars. It was all about getting off as quick as possible and getting out of there. So I had no one to teach me but my feet and my wits, and somehow they got me through it.

That would explain my lackluster experience with Bill. In a better world, perhaps there would be a dialogue where one would say to the other you know, maybe if you did this, maybe if we did that but that never happened, and I was left hung out to dry. And here I am 25 years later, licking my wounds because there’s nothing else to lick.

I do have to say that Google’s dictation machine really sucks dick as good as I suck dick, and I am no good at sucking dick.

I suppose I should talk with Bill with regard to what’s going on in my head, and it’s probably not going to go well since things like this never go well with him.

Perhaps it’s better if I don’t say anything and let things continue on the way they are, and wait for him to bring it up. Passive-aggressive narcissism, let’s see how that plays out.

I just wandered around the office, and not much is going on. I was hoping to talk with Marcus and Jimmy, but Jimmy was not there, and Marcus was, as usual, a tight-lipped persona
So now here I am, minutes later, back at my desk

Plymouth Charger

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2 minutes left in the morning of January 22nd, 2026. I just had the realization that probably because I was such a lousy, thoughtless, and selfish lover, could be why I’m still alive today. Granted, I’m paying the price for it now with lotion and a right hand, but I am able to be alive. The hope that spring eternal has run dry, at least the well of Hope

So far, I’ve only spoken to Bill and or Mike when we’re face to face, at least the past 24 hours. I find that lately, in the past 24 hours, I’m happiest when I’m at work. It helps that it’s a good job, easy, and I like the people I work with.

So I carried hope for 15 years with regards to Bill, and I guess now we’re companions, literally Bert and Ernie. With the same useful genitalia as those Muppets

I readily admit my idiocy when it comes to sexuality and Bill. It was a happy Pollyanna-like existence in the past 15 years or so. Ignorance is bliss, and I was quite blissful. Now that the bandage has been ripped off, I see things as they are.

No one wants to be alone, I know I don’t, and I know Bill doesn’t, so this is where we are- companions.

Passing by Xavier High School with bus number two outside, and I remembered I used to take bus number two from grammar School 50 years ag,o holy fuck.

And in my desperation or need to speak to somebody, I’ve been confiding in Marcus, and I’m not sure if that’s something, although he has told me that what was said was confidential, but still there’s doubt and or paranoia involved.

Now I find myself at the spot where 7 months ago there was much happiness with Bill, Mike, and me for the parade. Now the trees are barren, it is cold out, and I am alone. Bill and Mike are supposed to talk today about whatever it is they want to talk about, will I be brought up, who knows yet, think I would be, but with two narcissists who can tell?

I like wool hats, especially when it’s very cold. I have been very cold lately, but when I wear a wool hat, it gets wet with sweat, so I left it on the heater a little too long, and the wool hat was fried. So today I went around on my lunch break, I bought a new hat which was a good price, $10.

Otherwise, it’s not that cold in the 40s, I assume, but they are anticipating a major snowstorm this weekend. I’ve heard 16 inches expected to fall. Mike is coming over, or so he says, but we know how that goes. I told Bill that I don’t care if he does or not. I’m not going to encourage or discourage a visit.

Walking around, I heard Madonna singing Holiday and now that song has taken residence in my head.

Thankfully, that was overtaken by Siouxsie and the Banshees, Switch from their first album, The Scream. That LP and the Ramones’ first album was the soundtrack for returning to North NJ from the Village in Laszlo Papp’s Plymouth Charger in the early 80s.

I’m sure I’ve written about Laszlo in the past. Another HBJ name and an influence on my life, somehow… we shared September 12 for our birthdays.